“He said, she said, they said, and now we have a conflict!” “I don’t remember what we fought about, but I do remember how I felt when you yelled at me.” “When I hid the ‘send’ key, I didn’t expect this reaction!” “Now that we are in the parking lot, let me tell you what I...

S-H-I-F-T is a way to remember the basics of emotional systems (Self-Differientation, Homeostasis, Identified patient, emotional Familiy field, and Triagulation) and how they operatin in congregations.

Learning how to be in community with people who have different opinions or experiences is essential in UU congregations.

Self-differentiated Leaders know who they are well enough that they also know where they stand, and what they will and will not do; they understand the necessity of boundaries, and work within the congregation to ensure that healthy boundaries are in place and are supported; they can be clear in who they are, without requiring others to join them in that same place, but instead to be true to their own self.

Leaders know where their buttons are, and know how to manage their own anxiety; they recognize that anxiety serves little purpose in moving a congregation forward, and instead can lessen that anxiety and help the congregation focus on the issues involved, rather than the anxiety and fear that uncertainty can create; they are comfortable in and with ambiguity.

Leaders know how to read people emotionally, and how to help people feel safe enough to not be driven unconsciously by emotions. Leaders help people understand how to appropriately express emotions and to use them as forces to move the congregation forward, rather than trapping them in the past.

Emotional Intelligence—one of the recommended leadership development competencies—includes: Forbearance, e.g. having self-control, especially when provoked. Presence and functioning, i.e. a high level of self-awareness with an alignment between the body and the mind. Knowing and taking...

Learn how the human brain is impacted by anxiety in organizations like congregations.

Healthy and transparent communication needs to be mutual, with all parties taking responsibility for their words. Leaders should have firm policies against accepting anonymous feedback. And yet, there are times when cultural differences or power differentials require a nuanced understanding of healthy communication.

Surveys that work best come out of an understanding that the job of leadership is not to “make people happy” but to help the congregation live out its mission.  Surveys that are useless at best and divisive at worst typically seek to honor personal preferences about various areas of congregational life (including the minister).