As UUA staff, I’ve heard several stories in the last year where the behavior of children was a matter of conflict between adults. Usually between adults who are actively parenting children and adults whose children are adults themselves. This difference in generational expectations of children’s behavior stands out to me as one of the barriers to welcoming more families into our congregations. And one of the areas of difference is how parents today understand neurodiversity.
To explain, I’ll start out with an example:

For a very long time, left-handed students in US schools were forced to use their right hands to write, draw, eat, etc. Left-handedness was thought of as evil, as not polite or proper in others, or as an unacceptable inconvenience to other students and teachers. When students repeatedly tried to write in the way that was natural for them, they were labeled “defiant” and often punished. When left-handed students who had been forced to write with their non-dominant hand had shaky or illegible handwriting, they were often assumed to be stupid.

In the second half of the 20th century, US society as a whole caught on to what had always been true. Left-handedness is a naturally occurring human variation that carries no moral implications. Forcing children to do everything with their nondominant hand causes long term harm. In contrast, making the adjustments to accommodate left-handedness (such as having left-handed desks, allowing left-handed children to sit to the left of their peers so as not to knock elbows, supplying left-handed scissors, etc.) may require an initial adjustment, but do not cause harm or present an undue burden on right-handed people.

As Unitarian Universalists, dedicated to the values of pluralism and equity, understanding that all people have inherent worthiness and dignity, we would find the idea of a congregational policy of tying down a child’s dominant hand and forcing them to use the other hand abhorrent. Left-handedness isn’t bad; it’s just different, and we can certainly make space for left-handed children to be their full left-handed selves in our communities.

In the decades since we have collectively come to understand all of this about left-handedness, we have discovered several other ways that kids (and adults) can differ from each other. Turns out that just as some people are naturally left-handed, some people are naturally autistic, or have a natural tendency to high energy. Just as writing with our right hand is automatic for some of us and nearly impossible for others, being still for an extended period of time is easy for some of us and nearly impossible for others. Some people can only listen well when they are not distracted by anything else. Some people can only listen well if they have something to do with their hands at the same time. These are just some of the differences in the broad category of neurodiversity.

Neurodiversity refers to the ways that human brains are set up differently. It’s a way of understanding these differences not as “good” or “bad,” “healthy” or “disordered,” but just as natural variations in how brains work. Right now, we are in the middle of a societal shift from describing these differences as disorders, diseases, a sign of something wrong, etc. to understanding them as morally neutral variations.

Just as we eventually learned that forcing left-handed children to use their right hands caused far more lasting harm than asking right-handed people to make space for left-handedness, we are also learning that asking kids (and adults) whose brains work differently to force themselves into ways of being not built for them is far more harmful than making space in our communities for people to exist in ways that are natural for them.

Since this is an area of understanding that is in active transition right now, adult UUs are at different points in the journey from one paradigm to the other. To use our left-handedness analogy, some of us saw the need for left-handed desks years ago, helped design them, and are using them regularly. Others have recently realized the possibility of handed diversity as a good thing and are actively changing practice. And some of us are still insisting that we’ve always taught all kids to write with their right hands, and today’s kids can learn it too if they just apply themselves.

One of the key points of conflict in congregations right now is between the parents of kids who have needs that haven’t been recognized previously and those who are sure that it’s still best for kids to be taught to conform to a certain way of being and especially behaving.

If you’re reading this and you’re one of those parents, we know that parenting right now is very hard, and especially when you have to struggle in a community that should be a safe and supporting place to get others to see, appreciate, and love your kids. You’re doing great!

If you’re reading this and you are a person who often finds yourself judging kids in your congregation and their parents, I invite you to consider the possibility that you are doing the equivalent of judging parents of left-handed kids for letting their kids write with their left hands. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is the behavior I am responding to harmful to anyone? Be honest here. Harmful meaning you would consider this to be harmful between any two people of any age. Personal insults would go in this category for sure, as would any physical action intended to hurt someone. If the answer is yes, then this is a different category, and consistent actual harm might be something you want to gently approach a parent about.
• Or is this behavior simply annoying or distracting? Most of the points of contention in congregations are about child behavior in this category. No one is actually getting hurt or harmed. Someone is annoyed or distracted. In this case, I invite you to consider that your annoyance or distraction might be your responsibility and not the child’s. This doesn’t mean there can’t be good solutions that help you get your needs met, just that they shouldn't come at the expense of the child’s needs. For example, some people find it distracting if someone near them is moving during worship, fidgeting for example, or playing silently with a toy. Others can’t focus without doing something with their hands. Perhaps the congregation could create designated “still seating” areas where things like knitting, drawing, or silently playing are not present so those who need stillness can get it.
• Am I only upset because this is a child? There are some things I noticed from my 11 years in parish ministry when I was facing the whole congregation for most of worship most weeks. Yes, it’s true that if two kids who are friends are sitting next to each other, they are likely to be whispering to each other at some point. It is also true that adults who are friends and sitting together often whisper to each other. Often at a much higher volume. Yes, it is true that a child may be playing with a toy in a way that causes rustling or an occasional thump. It is also true that adults rifling through purses or coat pockets make a similar amount of movement and noise. And every single time I’ve observed a cell phone ringing during worship, it has always belonged to an adult. If you are inclined to view adult actions with forbearance but not the actions of children, that might also be your responsibility, not the child’s.
• What do I not know that I don’t know? If you have not ever meaningfully engaged with the concept of neurodiversity or with resources about creating communities that are welcome to neurodiverse people, maybe now is the time. It might help you understand the kids and families in your congregation, and it might help you become the sort of adult who supplies left-handed scissors.

What’s next in more fully welcoming neurodivergent people of all ages? If your congregation has a religious professional, minister or religious educator, you could ask how you can help with this learning. If you’d like to know more about welcoming neurodivergent children and youth, we recommend this 2022 Neurodiversity 10 1 and panel presentation on Supporting Children and Youth from the UUA and UUMA's Neurodiversity Skill Up series