Part of Thriving in Religious Education
As UUA staff I get asked a lot of questions about parents and families from “where are the families?” to “how come parents aren’t volunteering in RE?” Parental stress is a big part of the answer to all of these questions and even the US Surgeon General is noticing.
The US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, recently released an advisory report called “Parents Under Pressure".
Here is the description of what this means from the beginning of the advisory:
A Surgeon General’s Advisory is a public statement that calls the American people’s attention to an urgent public health issue and provides recommendations for how it should be addressed. Advisories are reserved for significant public health challenges that require the nation’s immediate awareness and action.
This Advisory calls attention to the importance of parental stress, mental health and well-being, stressors unique to parenting, and the bidirectional relationship between parental mental health and child outcomes.
In other words, the stresses of parenting the way it is currently structured in US society is such a heavy lift that it has become a health concern for parents, one that Dr. Murthy believes requires serious attention from all Americans.
I highly encourage you to read the report directly, but here is a brief overview of the contributing factors making life so difficult for parents right now.
Now, if you are a parent of adult children, you might be inclined at this point to say that parenting is always stressful, and has always been stressful, and you would be right! And there are some specific stressors that have intensified in the last few decades. I particularly want to lift up the time challenges of parenting in the 2020s.
The Advisory spells out how parents are both working more hours and directly parenting for more hours compared to the 1980s (emphasis mine):
The average employment work hours for parents have increased over time, with parents now dedicating an average of 33.5 hours per week to employed work or engaging in work-related activities. This represents a 28% increase for mothers, rising from 20.9 hours per week in 1985 to 26.7 hours per week in 2022, and a 4% increase for fathers, increasing from 39.8 hours per week in 1985 to 41.2 hours per week in 2022. Balancing work commitments and occupational-related stress with family responsibilities can lead to work-family conflict, guilt, and burnout among parents.
While parents and caregivers are working more, they are also spending more time engaging in primary child care than before. This care includes physical care, education-related activities, reading to/with children, and playing/doing hobbies with children, among other activities. Time spent weekly on primary child care has increased by 40% among mothers from 8.4 hours in 1985 to 11.8 hours in 2022, and by 154% among fathers from 2.6 hours in 1985 to 6.6 hours in 2022. Of note, the overall time parents report providing primary child care is only a fraction of the amount of time parents report being with children. Evidence suggests that demands from both work and child caregiving have come at the cost of quality time with one’s partner, sleep, and parental leisure time.
I think most UUs would agree with Dr. Murthy that, “Raising healthy, educated, and fulfilled children is at the heart of building a strong future. It benefits all of society. And it is a collective responsibility.”
Dr. Murthy lifts up a range of interventions that can support the wellbeing of parents. Some of these require policy changes at all levels of government. I encourage you to read those sections of the Advisory, especially if you are in a position to significantly influence public policy in any sphere.
However, I am a congregational consultant, not a lawmaker, so my attention was caught by the recommendations for ways community groups, including faith communities, can support parents. In fact, congregations are particularly well-positioned to offer some of this support.
Here are the specific suggestions from the Advisory our congregations seem particularly well-poised to follow:
“Foster open dialogue about parental stress, mental health, and well-being.”
Understanding the challenges that parents are facing in this cultural moment, and talking about that with compassion and sensitivity is something all of us can do. Look for ways to speak with kindness and respect about parents currently raising children (by the way, that also means Millennials). Talk openly about the struggles they are facing with appropriate respect for how hard they are working to support their children.
“Elevate the voices of parents and caregivers to shape community programs and investments.”
In our congregations, this means talking to the parents who are already connected to the congregation and parents who are not about your ministry for children and families. I recommend asking the parents in your community this question: “How can we help?” Or, “How can we make your life easier?” Do not assume that you know the answers to these questions until you ask. Also, notice how different this question is from all the versions of, “How can we get you to bring your kids to our congregation on Sunday mornings?”
“Creating opportunities for parents and caregivers to come together, share experiences and ideas, and support each other.”
Loneliness and isolation make parenting harder, and are reported by many parents. Time with others experiencing similar challenges can be very healing. For parents to take advantage of these opportunities, you need to check in with them about what would make it possible. What time of day and what day of the week? Would it help if the congregation also provided a meal? How often should these opportunities occur? And however it is structured, make sure to provide engaging activities for kids at the same time so that the parents can really participate fully.
These recommendations from the Surgeon General suggest some Dos and Don’ts for our congregations in relationship to parents currently raising kids under 18:
DON’T | DO |
|---|---|
Think of families with kids as a resource you can tap for volunteers and pledges. | Think of families with kids as a group in desperate need of supportive ministry. |
Create programming for families based on what has worked in the past. | Ask parents what they need, and create programming based on that. |
Expect parents to create your ministry for families or be its primary volunteers. For example, as a general rule, look for RE teachers among people who are not currently raising children. | Remove as many barriers to participation as you can. For example, always have activities for kids during any programming for parents. Think about providing a meal along with a program, etc. |
Judge parents for sporadic attendance/participation in family ministry. | Celebrate any time that parents are present and engaged with the congregation. That means they have worked to create space for it, and it means you are doing ministry that is worth that work. |
Think of Millennials (most of today’s parents) as a generation that is disengaged, selfish with their time and money, and unwilling to put in effort on things that matter to them. | Think of Millennials, especially those raising children, as a generation facing profound challenges with less financial resources than previous generations, working really hard to support their kids, and generally doing their best. |
Assume that parents want or need advice from people who raised children under different conditions and with different expectations. (If they do want advice, they’ll ask!) | Support parents by giving them a break - engaging their children, offering meals or other practical support, giving them space for peer support and affirming the things you appreciate about them and their kids. |
Think first about what you want to get from families with kids. | Think first about what you can offer families with kids. |
In the building of the congregation where my family belongs, right outside the main bathroom, there is a large poster with the number of the state’s Parental Stress Line and other parent support resources. Whenever I see it, it reminds me that the congregation understands how hard this can be, and wants to help.
This brings me to the last of the Surgeon General’s suggestions that I hope congregations take up, which is about helping parents access resources outside the congregation:
“Equip parents and caregivers with resources to address parental stressors and connect to crucial support services"
This should include conversation starters for parents to use with health care professionals, friends, significant others, and children; tools for parents to advocate for programs and resources to address critical stressors in the workplace, school, and community; guidance on how to manage stressors and mental health challenges; and information on how to seek professional help.”
While parents and families are less and less present in congregations during Sunday morning programming, that is not because parents don’t need supportive, loving communities. They do! They need those communities to be understanding, compassionate, and non-judgmental, and they need those communities to make it as easy as possible to participate.