Introduction: Reclaiming What Connects Us

For centuries, Enlightenment-era philosophy has elevated reason over intuition, teaching us to understand ourselves as rational beings who sometimes feel. In truth, we are emotional beings who sometimes think —our deepest longings can never be accessed or met through logic alone.

In his 1998 book Affective Neuroscience, neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp identified seven core emotional systems shared by all mammals, including people: SEEKING, RAGE, FEAR, LUST (or vitality), CARE, PANIC/GRIEF, and PLAY. His research offered a direct challenge to Enlightenment assumptions about human nature by theorizing that it’s these emotional systems, and not our cognitive processes, that shape how we attach, how we learn, how we regulate ourselves, and how we respond to others.

In addition to shaping our emotional lives, this emotional architecture provides a biological foundation for spiritual life. It shows us that our need to be in community with others is a core mammalian instinct.

When we understand this, we gain tools for creating congregations that honor and meet the needs of the whole person, not just the thinking mind. And when we design our multigenerational life together with this understanding, we can build congregations that help people of all ages feel safe, connected, and emotionally resourced enough to thrive.

The Born to Belong paradigm affirms that in the 21st century, a pluralistic religious tradition like Unitarian Universalism needs more than shared values. We also need shared experiences and spiritual practices that help us live out those values in the world with integrity and courage.

And we need models for how to do this together.

Educator James W. White’s work on intergenerational religious education (IGRE) offers one such model. His four patterns of intergenerational learning—In-Common Experiences, Parallel Learning, Contributive Occasions, and Interactive Sharing—mirror the rhythms of emotional development and spiritual integration and allow people of all ages to practice what it means to be held in community.

By placing White’s patterns of engagement within the framework of Panksepp’s emotional systems theory, Born to Belong reimagines faith formation, worship, and community life as a series of co-created rituals centered in emotional presence. I explore this ritual-building process in four parts:

• Part 1 introduces Panksepp’s seven emotional systems and makes them concrete by connecting each one to a mammal that symbolizes its wisdom. These systems provide a common language for emotional and spiritual development across the lifespan, accessible to children, teens, and adults alike.
• Part 2 examines the implications of these systems for spiritual communities, from how we design spaces to the rituals that support emotional safety and connection.
• Part 3 offers a set of shared callings, rooted in the emotional systems and our Unitarian Universalist theology, that help us focus our work as religious leaders and laypeople alike.
• Part 4 integrates the work of Jaak Panksepp and James W. White into a practical framework for designing emotionally-attuned, multigenerational experiences that promote spiritual belonging for all ages.

Together, these sections invite us to reorient our congregational life around the transformational work of supporting the emotional, developmental, and relational needs of the whole multigenerational community. They encourage us to remember that we gather not to escape the messiness of being human, but to be more deeply human together. We gather to remember what our bodies already know: we were born to belong.

Part 1: Developing a Shared Language

Long before we name our values or articulate our theologies, we come to know the world through feeling: love, curiosity, sorrow, pleasure, and connection.

In 1998, neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp made the startling claim that this way of engaging is not uniquely human. Instead, he wrote, all mammals share seven emotional systems—an inheritance that spans generations and species.

This inheritance offers us a new way to understand religious community: what if, rather than gathering with the purpose of transmitting knowledge or reinforcing belief, we gather to nurture our shared emotional needs?

To begin exploring that question, Part 1 introduces Panksepp’s seven emotional systems through stories and symbols drawn from the animal world. Each emotion is paired with a mammal whose way of being brings its wisdom to life. These pairings offer us a language that is intuitive, accessible across the lifespan, and evocative enough to shape how we gather.

This is spirituality for mammals: a grounded, embodied path back to what makes us fully human—tender, connected, and alive.

We Are Born to Wonder. Like the fox, we are curious creatures. Our SEEKING system lights up when we explore. Communities that honor wonder—with rituals, questions, and opportunities for discovery—nurture the sacred impulse to grow.

We Are Born to Tend. The CARE system fuels compassion. Like elephants, we bond deeply and care fiercely. In community, we show up in love.

We Are Born to Protect. Like the bear, our RAGE system helps us protect those most in need of care. Together, we transform anger into love and justice.

We Are Born to Seek Safety. The FEAR system reminds us that safety is a need, not a luxury. Like the rabbit, we need soft spaces and trusted rhythms. In churches, courage grows in connection.

We Are Born to Grieve. Mourning is part of love. The PANIC/GRIEF system calls us back to each other when we’ve lost our way—like a wolf pup howling for home.

We Are Born to Feel Alive. Embodiment is a spiritual gift. The LUST (vitality) system, seen in the dolphin’s exuberance, invites us to reclaim delight in our physical selves and all they can do.

We Are Born to Play. Delight is a sacred need. Otters teach us that joy, laughter, and trust belong at the center of our life together.

Part 2: Developing Shared Spaces, Stories, and Behaviors

In a time of rising fascism, climate emergency, and deep social fragmentation, spiritual communities must offer more than ideas. We must offer embodied refuge—places where people can come as they are, feel what they feel, and experience connection that is not contingent on perfection, productivity, or belief.

The Born to Belong paradigm invites us to build spiritual communities centered not in shared belief or shared identity, but in shared emotional need. No matter who we are—how old or young, skeptical or devout, exhausted or energized—we have these things in common:

We crave experiences of shared embodiment that offer proof we are not alone: to sing, move, create, and breathe in rhythm with one another.

We are called to offer lived experiences of connection through shared ritual, movement, breath, and joy. 

We seek opportunities to explore together, so we remember we are still becoming: to playfully and faithfully engage in the whys and what-ifs that stretch our spirits and connect us to wonder, to wisdom, and to one another.

We are called to center play, laughter, and delight as essential spiritual practices that restore and renew. 

We long for places where our collective grief and anger can be transformed into justice—where those who have suffered are held and heard, and where our fury becomes fuel for change.

We are called to make space for holy anger and courageous action, transforming pain into justice. 

We wish to do the good and holy work of caring for one another: bearing witness to each other’s joys and struggles, tending to those who are vulnerable, and practicing love as a shared responsibility.

We are called to tend to one another with care, practicing interdependence and love as daily acts of devotion. 

We yearn for spiritual homes where we feel safe enough to soften: where trust grows over time and where consistent rituals and reliable relationships offer us rest.

We are called to create dependable spaces where presence is enough —where people feel rooted, steady, and free to bring their whole selves. 

These emotional needs are not tangential to our theology—they are foundational to it. Unitarian Universalism teaches that every person has inherent worth and dignity, that we are bound together in a web of mutuality, and that love is a force powerful enough to transform the world. But too often, our communities center the mind while forgetting the body, speak of welcome but fail to create felt safety, and invite participation but overlook the emotional scaffolding that makes true belonging possible.

If we take seriously the emotional architecture we share as mammals, then our worship, religious education, pastoral care, and justice work must be designed not only to inform, but to attune and connect. This means:

• Designing multigenerational spaces that speak to both the cognitive and emotional capacities of those present.
• Offering rituals that regulate and restore: rituals of grounding, celebration, mourning, and play.
• Training leaders to notice emotional signals, respond with compassion, and model relational practices with the understanding that people of different neurotypes might do this differently
• Remembering that care is not a ministry of the few, but a practice of the whole—something the whole community can do.

We need communities that understand we gather not to be convinced, but to be held, kindled, moved, and changed.

This is not a new or radical idea—but it is newly urgent. When our world devalues human life and isolates us from one another, congregations can become countercultural sanctuaries: places where we rehumanize ourselves through tenderness, trust, and shared delight.

Born to Belong offers a path forward—a way of being in community that honors what is deepest in us, not just what is visible or verbal. In doing so, it calls us back to the most enduring truth of all spiritual life: we were never meant to go it alone.

Part 3: Developing Shared Rituals

James W. White’s four patterns of intergenerational religious education offer a practical foundation for creating programming that affirms the emotional needs of all ages. When grounded in Jaak Panksepp’s seven core emotional systems, these learning experiences can move beyond knowledge transfer and become transformative practices of belonging.

1. In-Common Experiences

What they are

Shared activities where people of all ages come together to experience something at the same time—listening to a story, singing together, engaging in a ritual, or working on a collaborative art project. These experiences are typically nonverbal / low-speaking, sensory-rich, and happen at a “concrete operational” level so everyone, regardless of age, can participate meaningfully.

What they accomplish

This kind of experience activates the CARE and PLAY systems, helping people feel safe and connected through joyful, embodied presence. It equalizes power across generations and creates a shared memory— what Fred Rogers called the foundation for authentic intergenerational connection. Everyone is anchored in a common emotional and sensory field, which fosters trust and openness.

How they feel

In-common experiences regulate the nervous system through rhythm, wonder, and relational proximity. They create a foundation of emotional safety and shared attention that makes all other learning and connection possible.

Example

At the beginning of a multigenerational Earth Day service, everyone is invited to co-create a nature mandala in silence. Children, youth, and adults place natural items—stones, flowers, shells—on a large circular cloth in the center of the sanctuary. Soft instrumental music plays. No instructions are spoken beyond a simple invitation: “Bring what you love from the Earth and place it in the circle.”

As people move, observe, and add their items, the space becomes filled with a sense of reverence and attentiveness. The youngest child and the oldest elder bend down side by side. Later, this shared moment becomes a touchpoint for reflection and storytelling.

In that quiet, embodied ritual, the CARE system is awakened through shared intention; the PLAY system through creative interaction; and the FEAR system gently calmed by relational presence.

2. Parallel Learning

What it is

After a shared introduction to a topic, different age groups explore the same theme separately, in developmentally and emotionally appropriate ways. Children might learn through storytelling and movement; teens through dialogue and creative expression; adults through reflection, discussion, or journaling.

What it accomplishes

Parallel learning respects cognitive and emotional differences while keeping everyone focused on a unifying theme. It activates the SEEKING system, supporting curiosity and mastery, while also protecting individual autonomy and dignity. By resisting the tendency to center children’s experiences alone, this pattern affirms the spiritual growth of every age group.

How it feels

By honoring difference within shared purpose, parallel play reinforces the idea that spiritual community means being seen and valued as you are.

Example

During a Sunday series on the theme of Forgiveness, the service begins with a shared story on the theme.

• Children move to their classroom to explore the story through movement and clay figures, sculpting “forgiveness stones” they can give or keep.
• Youth gather around a table with prompts: “Can someone earn forgiveness?” They write anonymous responses on sticky notes, creating a gallery of perspectives.
• Adults attend a quiet reflection circle guided by poetry and journaling, where they examine personal narratives of harm and reconciliation.

Though separate, each group is rooted in the same core exploration.

The SEEKING system is sparked by inquiry and expression, while the CARE system is upheld by the assurance that each age group is trusted with meaningful, resonant content.

3. Contributive Occasions

What they are

After exploring a theme separately, groups reconvene to share what they’ve discovered, made, or felt. This might include performing a skit, displaying artwork, offering a group reflection, or simply describing an insight from their session.

What they accomplish

These occasions activate the CARE and PANIC/GRIEF systems by creating moments of mutual recognition, where each group’s contribution is needed to complete the whole.

When people offer something they’ve created or processed and are met with attention and appreciation, it deepens their sense of mattering. The act of contributing reinforces the idea that everyone has wisdom worth sharing.

How they feel

Contributive occasions allow us to know that we are not just held—we hold others in return. Through giving and receiving, spiritual community becomes a place of co-creation and mutual regard.

Example

On a Sunday focused on the theme of Gratitude, participants begin in parallel learning groups, then reconvene in the sanctuary for a Gratitude Procession:

• The youngest children bring in paper lanterns with drawings of people they are thankful for.
• The older children and youth carry handmade “gratitude flags” on which they’ve written names or places that shaped them.
• Adults each read aloud a single phrase from their earlier reflection: “I’m thankful for…” followed by a person, moment, or lesson.

The room fills with color, movement, and emotion. One adult tears up watching the children process in; a teen lights a chalice in honor of a lost grandparent. In this moment, PANIC/GRIEF is met with shared care, and CARE becomes reciprocal. The community becomes a witness to one another’s lives.

4. Interactive Sharing

What it is

A facilitated exchange where people of different ages reflect together— sharing thoughts, stories, feelings, or questions. This might happen in small groups, through storytelling circles, or with the help of tools like talking objects or reflection prompts.

What it accomplishes

Interactive sharing builds empathy across generational lines and helps participants “cross over” into one another’s perspectives. It activates the CARE system while gently regulating RAGE, PANIC/GRIEF, and FEAR by allowing individuals to be heard, affirmed, and seen without judgment. It also supports meaning-making: we integrate learning most deeply when we speak it aloud in the presence of others.

How it feels

Interactive sharing transforms congregations into communities of testimony and deep attention. Belonging is sustained not only by being together, but by being known—and by practicing the art of knowing others.

Example

During a multigenerational series on Bravery, the congregation holds a Story Circle Sunday. Everyone gathers in intergenerational groups of five or six. A facilitator introduces the theme and offers a talking object—an unusual stone or small sculpture. Each person is invited to answer the prompt: “Tell a story about a time you were brave, or someone else was brave for you.”

Children tell stories about losing teeth or standing up to a bully. Teens share moments from school or activism. Adults recall coming out, quitting jobs, or facing illness. Elders speak of wartime, caregiving, or choosing peace over pride.

Throughout, people listen deeply, hold silence when needed, and affirm one another with simple gestures or words. No one is forced to speak.

By the end, the FEAR system has been honored (not overridden), and the CARE system extended across age and experience. Participants walk away knowing more than stories—they carry one another’s courage.

When intergenerational religious education is guided by emotional wisdom, it becomes a practice of belonging in every sense: rooted in our collective need for care, connection, and contribution. These patterns are invitations. Each one says: “You are welcome here—just as you are. And we need you for the circle to be whole.

Part 4: Allowing for Shared Transformation

Spiritual life begins not with belief, but with the basic truth of our nature: we are creatures shaped by emotion and connection. From our first moments, we reach for warmth, rhythm, and care. These impulses do not fade with age—they remain the bedrock of our longing for community.

Born to Belong is a paradigm grounded in this reality. Drawing from affective neuroscience and intergenerational learning theory, it reframes religious community as a space for co-regulation, curiosity, and shared purpose. It calls us to create environments where all ages can move, question, celebrate, and heal together not in spite of our differences, but through them.

This is an invitation to deepen our practices. It asks us to notice how people feel when they gather, what makes safety visible, and where joy finds room to unfold. It invites us to make care a shared habit and to trust that when we design with emotional needs in mind, we build something more resilient and more true.

Born to Belong is not about adding more to our plates. It is about reorienting toward what matters most: that each person who walks through our doors senses they matter, not because of what they know or how they perform, but because they are here.

Communities shaped by this vision will look and feel different. They will breathe differently. They will welcome interruption. They will treat laughter as sacred. They will respond to pain with presence. They will nurture a kind of strength that comes not from certainty, but from shared responsibility and compassion.

In these times of instability and isolation, spiritual community can become a living alternative—a place where tenderness has structure, where trust is built with intention, and where everyone has a role to play in our collective flourishing.

Let this be our shared work.