Introduction
In Spring 2025, the UUA Wave Cohort called “Caring for Parents as Whole Beings” gathered UUs who
are parents currently raising children to learn more about the challenges their families face and what kinds of support they want from their congregations.
We invited a diverse group of parents to join us for three gatherings. We also worked with a BIPOC facilitator to convene a conversation focused specifically on the experiences of BIPOC parents. Recruiting participants was a challenge because parents are overwhelmed and overscheduled. Eventually, we talked to 12 parents in the course of four conversations and a written survey.
As facilitators, we came into this experience already knowing something about the disconnect between the expectations of congregations and the lived reality of families in 2025. We were also informed by the 2024 Surgeon General’s Advisory, “Parents Under Pressure.”
Here is what we learned from our conversations with the parents in our cohort in response to the three big questions that Meet the Moment waves are considering.
1. What is the moment we are in?
It is hard to be a parent/caregiver raising children right now. This was confirmed and made much more concrete and present through our wave cohort.
The degree of economic precarity that our families are living with was striking. About half of our families reported struggling to pay for housing (rent or mortgage). One of our families has two adults and a young child. Both adults work two jobs in order to afford housing. One of our participants mentioned how helpful it would be for congregations to serve enough food at coffee hour for it to be lunch because going out to lunch after worship is a hardship.
This aligns with the findings in the Surgeon General’s advisory, which reports that 66% of parents feel “consumed by worries” about money compared to 39% of other adults; 1 in 4 parents report that there were times in the last year when they did not have enough money for basic needs.
This is a very different reality from most Unitarian Universalist congregations 30-40 years ago. Our communities have often thought of “us” as well-off – or at least comfortable – and so our work to provide people with the basic necessities of life is usually directed “out there.” Now, our families are struggling (and many of them have been struggling beneath the radar all along).
The Surgeon General’s advisory tells us that parents in the 2020s are working more. Compared to parents in the 1980s, fathers work 4% more hours and mothers work 28% more hours. But more significantly, parents are parenting more. Compared to parents in the 1980s, mothers spend 40% more time directly parenting, while fathers spend 154% more time directly parenting. (Sadly, the gender binary built into the data from the report is reflected in these statistics.)
This time crunch was definitely a theme in our cohort. Parents agreed that they – and their kids – generally have too many obligations. UU community gatherings that require extra effort and expense might sound helpful, but can actually add to their feeling of overwhelm. The most inviting offerings are free and low-stress, with a “come-as-you-are” vibe. For example, one parent talked about how their congregation was hosting a parents’ night out, but they were the only family who signed up, so the event was cancelled. They felt that really deeply because they were really counting on that time.
Our cohort also had some experiences that are not quite as widely shared among all US parents. Parents of neurodivergent kids were overrepresented in our cohort compared to the general US population. One of our participants pointed out that this is likely not a coincidence. Rather, neurodiverse/neurodivergent families may be drawn to UU communities because of our stated commitments to inclusion. Time and money challenges were greater for these families. For example, several participants cited not having the money for the extensive testing recommended for their child. Another talked about how caring for their child’s needs sometimes takes more time than anticipated, making it harder to get places on time.
2. What are the most important and urgent needs of this moment?
Our cohort participants lifted up a need for practical support. Picking up on themes from the previous question, our families need (but are hesitant to ask for) financial assistance. Many need support with housing, healthcare and other basic necessities.
And our parents need more time. They need time alone or with their partners and friends without kids. They need time to attend to logistical tasks, such as arranging carpools, signing up for summer camp, cooking dinner, etc. They need time with other parents currently raising children for support, commiseration, and collaboration. And they need time for rest and sleep.
Although our cohort included both kids and parents who are trans/nonbinary, our cohort participants didn’t talk about the particular needs of trans families very much. But it feels important to say a couple things here. First, families with trans and nonbinary kids are disproportionately represented in UU congregations – again, likely due to our commitment to inclusion. Second, this is a very difficult time to be trans/nonbinary or to parent someone who is trans/nonbinary in the US. Support, care, and practical assistance for these families is critically important and urgent.
Finally, every parent in our cohort expressed a deep longing for understanding. They need their fellow congregants to understand the level of struggle they are living with. This includes understanding that parenting really is harder (on average) than it used to be. They need congregations to understand that there is very little that individual families can do about those challenges, so blaming these parents for their lack of availability to volunteer or the resources to donate in high amounts is not helpful.
In other words, the people currently raising children are not able to come and save our congregations. They need us to save them.
3. How do our UU values call us to respond to the urgent needs of parents and families in this moment?
The Surgeon General’s report offers three recommendations that congregations are well positioned to act on:
The first is, “Elevate the voices of parents and caregivers to shape community programs and investments.” In other words, ask them what they need.
You can learn from this report, but don’t forget to ask your own families about their specific needs on a regular basis.
It is difficult for many of us to acknowledge our needs or to ask for help. The dominant culture tells parents that if they’re working hard and in the right kind of family and parenting the way they should, everything will be fine. So parents who are admitting they’re not fine need validation and support – definitely not doubt or blame. Believe them. Normalize their experience. Empathize. Reassure them they are not alone. Thank them for their courage and honesty.
Once you have heard these needs, be willing to reimagine how you provide ministry to children, youth, and families. For example, could you provide programming on different days of the week or at different times? How could you structure programming to meet the specific needs parents are raising?
The second recommendation from the Surgeon General’s report is, “Create opportunities to cultivate supportive social connections among parents and caregivers.”
In other words, parents need time together to build community.
For example, they want ways to quickly check in with the wisdom of other parents/caregivers, such as a chat group where they can ask things like, “Are you letting your kid(s) watch that new show everyone is talking about?” Parents in our cohort and in other conversations often express a desire for relatively unstructured or unprogrammed time with other families where the kids can keep each other busy, allowing the parents to talk to each other.
The third recommendation is, “Equip parents and caregivers with resources to address parental stressors and connect to crucial support services.”
In other words, help them find resources in the larger community, and offer some resources yourselves.
What do you already do to support your members that you could extend to parents? For example, if you already provide meals to members of the congregation who are struggling, maybe you could provide dinner to your families sometimes. Maybe offerings to support those struggling financially in your larger community could also include financial support to the families in your congregation who are struggling.
We recommend that a whole meal be offered every time you invite families to show up in person at the congregation. That might mean breakfast before and/or lunch after Sunday worship or dinner at evening events. This helps both financially and time-wise by providing food they neither have to purchase nor prepare. (Potlucks where parents are expected to bring something are generally not experienced as helpful; they can actually be more expensive and more time consuming than regular family meals.)
Finally, if we step back from the details of each family’s day to day challenges, we can see that many of the stresses parents are experiencing come from larger systems and structures.
Parents are working multiple jobs or worried about money because the cost of living keeps increasing, and incomes for all but the very wealthy are not keeping up. Compared to parents in the 1980s, parents in the 2020s have much higher debt on average, driven by the massive increases in the costs of higher education and housing. These conditions continue to get harder and harder for an increasing number of American households, both those raising kids and others.
The current social and political climate is exacting a huge toll, particularly on families with targeted identities. And every parent in our cohort is worried about their child(ren)’s future, given the violence, instability, and uncertainty we are experiencing locally, nationally and around the globe.
If we really want our parents/caregivers and families to thrive, we need to take an active role in healing the context of their lives. Let us keep this in mind as one more reason we do the work to make our values real in our congregations and in the larger world.