Centering (5 minutes)
This is a time to make the transition from the busy world to the group experience. A member of the group may read these words from Unitarian Universalist minister Vivian Pomeroy:
Forgive us that often we forgive ourselves so easily and others so hardly;
Forgive us that we expect perfection from those to whom we show none;
Forgive us for repelling people by the way we set a good example;
Forgive us the folly of trying to improve a friend;
Forbid that we should use our little idea of goodness as a spear to wound those who are different;
Forbid that we should feel superior to others when we are only more shielded;
And may we encourage the secret struggle of every person.
Check-in (10 to 25 minutes)
Each person in the group has the opportunity to share something about his or her life. What significant events have taken place recently in your life? Have you accomplished something meaningful to you? Have you experienced any losses or setbacks? Have you had any insights or new ideas?
Group Discussion (45 to 70 minutes)
Our spiritual theme for this month is Forgiveness. If all of us behaved perfectly all the time, there would be no need for forgiveness. But sometimes we behave imperfectly. That is, our conduct sometimes falls short of generally accepted standards, or our own personal standards. How shall we understand this persistent gap? How can we best live with ourselves and others, given that our conduct may be imperfect? Can there be forgiveness without justice? What is the difference between guilt and shame? Does the possibility of forgiveness reduce our need to behave as honorably as we can?
For group discussion, please consider the questions associated with one or more of the following numbered sections. You need not address all of these sections, and you need not address them in this order.
1. How difficult should the process of forgiveness be? Can there be forgiveness without justice? Can there be forgiveness without a process of making amends?
2. Some religious thinkers distinguish between guilt, a bad feeling that occurs because one has done bad behavior, and shame, a bad feeling that occurs because one believes that one is a bad person. If forgiveness is the antidote for guilt, what is the antidote for shame? Is anyone a bad person? What role might shame play in political and social oppression? Guilt may have a beneficial effect when it helps us avoid bad behavior, but what could possibly be the beneficial effect of believing that one is a bad person?
3. The Roman poet Terence wrote, “Nothing human is alien to me.”
Could you say this about yourself? That is, do you feel that you can look within yourself and observe the entire spectrum of human motivation, both positive and negative? Or does some human behavior seem alien to you?
4. Patrick Miller wrote, “Forgiving your flaws and failures does not mean looking away from them or lying about them. Look at them as a string of pitiful or menacing hitchhikers whom you can’t afford not to pick up on your journey to a changed life. Each of them has a piece of the map you need hidden in its shabby clothing. You must listen attentively to all their stories and win the friendship of each one to put your map together. Where you are going – into a forgiven life of wholeness, passion, and commitment – you will need all the denizens of your dark side working diligently on your behalf.”
Can you imagine winning the friendship of your faults and failures so that they will help you put your map together and work diligently on your behalf?
5. Unitarian Universalist minister Charles Stephen offers this description of a forgiving (or at least understanding) religious community: “‘Be kind,’ someone has written, ‘nearly everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’ The burdens of the world are many, the burdens carried by people all around us, imperfect, stumbling people much like ourselves, people with strength and will and pride and weaknesses and sorrows and fears. And guilt sometimes. ‘Guilt,’ says a modern writer, ‘is a guardian of our goodness.’ If we have never felt guilt, it would mean either that we are saints (and that is highly unlikely) or that something inherently human and humane in us has been put to sleep. A religious community is not a gathering of saints. I know of no one who has not missed the mark at times, who has not made unwise decisions, who has not done harm. Perhaps judgments come too easily in a complex world; surely they must be made, but they need not be made harshly. And often the harshest judgments are those we make of ourselves. A religious community, composed as it is of imperfect people, must ever be prepared to give support to those about us who trip and fall and get bruised, as each of us does from time to time.”
What wisdom do you find in this statement?
Conclusion (5 to 10 minutes)
What will you take away from this discussion? What would have made this time together more meaningful or satisfying to you? What did you enjoy? The entire group may share this responsive reading from Unitarian Universalist minister Robert Eller-Isaacs:
For remaining silent when a single voice would have made a difference
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For each time that our fears have made us rigid and inaccessible
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For each time that we have struck out in anger without just cause
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For each time that our greed has blinded us to the needs of others
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For the selfishness which sets us apart and alone
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For falling short of the admonitions of the spirit
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For losing sight of our unity
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.
For those and for so many acts both evident and subtle which have fueled the illusion of separateness
We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.