“The first rule of Bi Club is that you can talk about Bi Club all you want, because most people won’t believe it’s real anyway.” ~ Lindsay King-Miller, Ask a Queer Chick
The first time I read that line, I laughed out loud. It was funny because it was true. You can come out again and again, and some people still tilt their heads at you like you’ve spoken in riddles. That has been the pattern of my life as a bisexual, Two-Spirit, and nonbinary person.

When you are bi, many social gatherings come with a pop quiz. At one party, someone leaned in and asked, “So… are you still married to a man, or are you over that phase?” I smiled and said, “Still married. The expiration date on my vows hasn’t happened yet.” They laughed, but I could see they were puzzled. For them, bisexuality had to be a phase, never a whole truth.

Another time, I told a coworker I was bi, and they blinked twice, like their brain had hit pause. They responded, “Oh… so you’re half gay and half straight?” I laughed and said, “No, I’m whole me. That’s already complicated enough.” And then there was the dinner party guest who leaned in and whispered, “So… does that mean you’re attracted to everyone in this room?” I shot back with a laugh, “Well, not you.”

The truth is, I’m not the confusing one. The confusion belongs to the assumptions people make. That is the joke, not on me but on boxes they keep trying to fit me into. We live in a world that insists on either/or, and bi folks keep showing up as both/and. People want categories; we bring abundance. People want boundaries; we say no.

Bisexual people are not a sliver of the LGBTQ community. We are the majority. Study after study shows that more than half of LGBTQ people identify as bi+. Yet we are also the least likely to be out, the most likely to struggle with mental health, and the most likely to feel invisible in our own spaces.

Bisexual people are told we are confused, unstable, greedy, or unfaithful. I have heard it all from family, from straight friends, and even from other queer people. After a while, the clichés stop cutting and start sounding like a bad sitcom.

You say I’m confused? Please. I know exactly who I am.
You say I must be unstable? I have been married for decades.
You say I must secretly be straight or gay? Sorry, no. I’m bi today, bi tomorrow, bi forever.
It is important to remember that this erasure is real and has deeper consequences. As Scholar Shiri Eisner reminds us, erasure is never passive. It is the active rewriting and collapsing of bi identities into gay or straight until our truth no longer counts. But we are here, and we always have been.

For me, the best part of being bi is the freedom to love beyond boxes. I do not fall in love with genders. I fall in love with minds, with laughter, with kindness, and with the spark in someone’s eyes. Love, as Leah Raeder wrote inBlack Iris, is “blurry, slippery, quantum.” That feels right to my experiences.

And — I love my spectrum of attraction: crushing on Kristy McNichol in the campyPirate Movie, falling for the tenderness of Tre inBoyz n the Hood, crying over River Phoenix inMy Own Private Idaho, holding hands with my college girlfriend Mindy at a party, being married to my spouse of 24 years. These were not just infatuations. They were lessons in understanding myself. What draws me in is not anatomy or a single image of beauty. It is courage, gentleness, humor, and loving resilience.

What I love most about my bisexuality is the way it reminds me often that my heart is not limited. It has always been wide enough to hold more than one kind of beauty, more than one kind of love.

The first rule of Bi Club may be that people will not believe it is real.
But the rule I live by is this: I am real anyway.

Discussion Questions

1. What assumptions about bisexuality have you heard?
2. Why do you think bisexuality, though statistically the largest identity in the LGBTQ community, is still so invisible?
3. How does erasure show up in faith, family, or community spaces you know?
4. What would it mean to celebrate bisexuality as an example of human possibility, not just a tolerated identity?

Chalice Lighting for Bi Visibility

We light this chalice in honor of bisexual people.
Too often their truth has been called confusion,
their love erased by silence,
their lives doubted for crossing boundaries.

This flame reminds us that bisexual people are here
in our pews and pulpits,
in our families and friendships,
woven throughout history and present among us now.

This light proclaims that bisexuality is real,
that it is faithful and holy,
that abundance is not indecision,
and love that spans genders is love in its fullness.

As we kindle this flame,
we commit to seeing what has been invisible,
to naming what has been unnamed,
and to welcoming all who live beyond either/or
as beloved and whole.

More Recent Resources

• Life Isn’t Binary: On Being Both, Beyond, and In-Between by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi (2019). Explores bisexuality, gender, and fluidity through a lens of possibility and liberation.
• Bi the Way: The Bisexual Guide to Life by Lois Shearing (2021). Accessible and practical guide to navigating relationships, identity, and community as a bisexual person.
• This Is Why They Hate Us by Aaron H. Aceves (2022). Young adult novel centering a bisexual teen, offering humor, heartache, and honesty.
• Bi: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw (2022). A lively exploration of bisexuality through history, science, and culture.
• Bisexual Men Exist: A Handbook for Bisexual, Pansexual and M-Spec Men by Vaneet Mehta (2023). A passionate call to visibility for men who love across genders.