“Disappoint other people with your no; don’t disappoint yourself with a yes you’ll later resent.”
—Holly Whitaker, in Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol

It was Saturday afternoon and I had yet to stop and browse the drinks aisle of my neighborhood grocery store. That evening, small groups of people from the congregation that I serve would gather for a shared meal in members’ homes. I was one of two people on beverage duty for my dinner.

Still new to the congregational system, I’d noticed casual mentions of beer and margaritas, and the occasional joke about the number of bottles of wine consumed at gatherings. I wondered if being assigned “drinks” came with the expectation to bring alcoholic ones—and if so, how much money I was expected to spend. After some thought, I decided that as a non-drinker myself, I wasn’t going to agonize over choosing something—the right flavor, an acceptable label—that I wouldn’t partake in. A solid choice for the Minister, I hoped.

Later in the afternoon, just before heading to the store, I received a text from a new, very shy church member who had also been assigned drinks. “Should I bring red and you bring white?” they asked.

“Actually,” I typed in response, “I don’t drink and was planning on bringing Kombucha. You should bring whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Oh thank God,” they replied. “What a relief. Neither do I. I’ll pick up a pack of seltzer.”

We arrived at the same time with our bounty of non-alcoholic beverages, making eye contact and smiling… a moment of connection, an “I see you.” Neither of us abandoned our needs or our values to give in to an unspoken expectation, nor would we be the only ones drinking water. It was liberating.

Our group broke bread together around the table and the air was filled with laughter and thoughtful conversation.

I believe that we create and affirm our congregation’s values when we ask who’s excluded—or made to feel like an outsider—when the unspoken assumption is that everybody drinks… and when we’re willing to choose a different way. All of us are active participants in co-creating congregational and community life; it’s ours to build and share and re-make.

Prayer

You from whom all love, connection, and belonging flows: Give us the bravery to examine honestly the cultures we create and uphold… the tenderness to question who they serve and who they leave out… and the willingness to make a new choice. May all be welcome at our table. Amen.

The author of this reflection is a Unitarian Universalist minister serving a small UU congregation. Braver/Wiser’s Editor agreed to publish their reflection anonymously partly in order to protect the congregation, and especailly because this experience is a common one.