New address: 24 Farnsworth Street, Boston, MA 02210-1409.
First UU Youth
Second UU Youth
Third UU Youth
Fourth UU Youth
Name tags for characters, on card stock with string for hanging around the neck
A city sidewalk outside a tall parking garage
NARRATOR: Some UU youth arrive in the city for a UU conference. They walk out of the parking garage and onto the street.
FIRST UU YOUTH: That's got to be the slowest elevator in the world. Oh-oh. Here's trouble.
NARRATOR: A gang of bullies is blocking the sidewalk.
FIRST BULLY: Hey you!
SECOND UU YOUTH: Yeah?
SECOND BULLY: Who do you think you are?
SECOND UU YOUTH: Ah . . . I'm me.
SECOND BULLY: You got a name?
SECOND UU YOUTH: Hugh.
SECOND BULLY: Hugh? Hugh what? You got a last name?
SECOND UU YOUTH: Hughes.
THIRD BULLY: Hugh Hughes? You gotta be kidding.
SECOND UU YOUTH: That's what I keep telling my parents.
FOURTH BULLY: So who are the rest of you guys?
THIRD UU YOUTH: We're UUs.
FIRST BULLY: What? You can't be. (Points) I thought that was Hugh Hughes.
FOURTH UU YOUTH: Not Hugh Hughes. UUs. Unitarian Universalists.
SECOND BULLY: Uni-Uni what?
FIRST UU YOUTH: Unitarian Universalists. It's a religion.
THIRD BULLY: What, like you gotta believe in God and stuff?
SECOND UU YOUTH: We don't got to. I mean we don't have to. We can if we want.
FOURTH BULLY: You don't have to believe in God? What kind of a religion is that?
THIRD UU YOUTH: It's Unitarian Universalism. We all have our own beliefs about God. But we all agree on our Principles.
FIRST BULLY: Don't go swearing at me!
THIRD UU YOUTH: Swearing? Where's the swear?
SECOND BULLY: Where's the swear? You don't even know? The swear is "principals." That's even worse than "teachers." And that's as bad as "school."
FOURTH UU YOUTH: We're talking about principles, with an E, not principals with an A. You guys need a spell-check.
THIRD BULLY: Oh yeah? You better button up that lip before I bloody it up.
FIRST UU YOUTH: Excuse us. We're going to be late.
NARRATOR: The UU youth try to move on but the bullies keep blocking their way.
SECOND UU YOUTH: What do you guys want? Our advisors are waiting for us and our conference is starting. We need to go.
FOURTH BULLY: You're not going anywhere until we say so. This right here is our sidewalk. And it's a toll sidewalk. What we want is a little bit of money and a whole lot of respect.
THIRD UU YOUTH: We haven't got any money. But we've got respect. You can have all the respect you want.
FOURTH UU YOUTH: UUs have respect for everything and everybody. It's in our Principles.
FIRST BULLY: There you go dissing us with rotten language again!
FIRST UU YOUTH: And the Principles aren't all we've got. We've got Sources, too.
SECOND BULLY: Sorcerers? You've got sorcerers?
SECOND UU YOUTH: Sources, not sorcerers. Spell-check time again.
THIRD BULLY: Spells? Sorcerers and spells? Is that what this uni-uni stuff is all about?
FOURTH BULLY: Sorcerers and spells! I am so, so scared!
THIRD UU YOUTH: No. Earth-based religions are among our Sources. But we're not talking about magic.
FIRST BULLY: Sorcerers and spells, huh? Tell me more about this uni-uni stuff. Maybe us guys should join.
FOURTH UU YOUTH: We'll tell you everything you want to know. But not now. We can meet you later and talk.
FIRST UU YOUTH: Right. It's hard to explain Unitarian Universalism in a nutshell.
SECOND BULLY: Who are you calling a nut?
NARRATOR: The bullies snarl and move toward the UU youth.
ALL BULLIES: Snarl.
SECOND UU YOUTH: Wait! I'll tell you about Unitarian Universalism. I'll give you my elevator speech.
THIRD BULLY: You're messing with us, right?
THIRD UU YOUTH: No, we're not. Our minister says every UU should have an elevator speech.
FOURTH UU YOUTH: That's right. An elevator speech is a short description of Unitarian Universalism. It's something you can tell another person very fast.
FIRST UU YOUTH: Like when an elevator is going up or down.
FOURTH BULLY: So let's hear it. And it better be quick!
FIRST BULLY: Yeah, and the part about the magic better be good!
SECOND UU YOUTH: But we can't tell you here.
SECOND BULLY: Why not?
THIRD UU YOUTH: You can't give an elevator speech on the sidewalk. You have to be in an elevator.
FOURTH UU YOUTH: Like the one we just came down on in this parking garage.
THIRD BULLY: So let's go. You guys lead the way so we can keep an eye on you.
NARRATOR: The bullies follow the UU youth to the elevator. At the door, the First UU Youth pushes the up button. When the elevator comes the youth steps back and says respectfully to the bullies:
FIRST UU YOUTH: You first. This is your territory, so be our guests.
FOURTH BULLY: If it's our territory, how come you guys ain't the guests?
SECOND BULLY: Oh, shut up. Let's get in there and get this over with.
NARRATOR: So the bullies go to the back of the elevator. The First and Second UU Youths enter behind them. The First UU Youth presses the top floor button and jumps off. The Second UU Youth presses the close door button and jumps off. The door begins to close and the Third UU Youth yells through it.
THIRD UU YOUTH: Have a heavenly ride!
NARRATOR: The door clangs shut. But the UU youth can still hear the bullies yelling back.
ALL BULLIES: Hey, you . . . you . . . you . . .
FOURTH UU YOUTH: Wow. That was close. Let's get out of here fast.
FIRST UU YOUTH: I thought we were done for. Is this what they call universal salvation?
SECOND UU YOUTH: I don't know. We haven't had that lesson yet.
THIRD UU YOUTH: Let's book it before they get out!
FOURTH UU YOUTH: There isn't any hurry. That elevator takes forever even to get to the first floor. And we're still in time for the opening chalice lighting.
NARRATOR: The end.
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Last updated on Wednesday, October 26, 2011.
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