HARVEST THE POWER
A Tapestry of Faith Program for Adults
WORKSHOP 11: KEEPING DISTRESS PRODUCTIVE
BY GAIL TITTLE, MATT TITTLE, GAIL FORSYTH-VAIL
© Copyright 2009 Unitarian Universalist Association.
Published to the Web on 9/29/2014 9:18:47 PM PST.
This program and additional resources are available on the UUA.org web site at
www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith.
WORKSHOP OVERVIEW
INTRODUCTION
Solutions are achieved when "the people with the problem" go through a process together to become "the people with the solution." — Ronald A. Heifetz, contemporary author and leadership educator
This workshop, the third in the Path unit, explores conflict and difficult behavior as signs that a congregation has a deeper issue to bring forth. Participants will learn tools to discern and address the emotions and concerns that feed a congregational conflict. They will learn strategies for responding to difficult behavior and resources for managing and transforming high level or intractable congregational conflict. With a focus on deeply understanding and faithfully addressing conflict, participants explore ways adaptive leaders can "give the work back to the people."
GOALS
This workshop will:
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
WORKSHOP-AT-A-GLANCE
Activity | Minutes |
Welcoming and Entering | |
Opening | 2 |
Activity 1: Individual and Community Polarities | 15 |
Activity 2: Story — The Fowler and the Quail | 10 |
Activity 3: Managing Difficult Behavior | 25 |
Break | 10 |
Activity 4: Giving the Work Back | 35 |
Activity 5: Adaptive Leadership | 20 |
Faith in Action: Applying UU Principles to Conflicts | |
Closing | 3 |
Alternate Activity 1: Representing Adaptive Leadership | 30 |
SPIRITUAL PREPARATION
Before facilitating a workshop that deals with conflict and difficult behavior, take time to reflect or journal about some of your own experiences with conflict, both in your family and in organizations. What is your usual role in conflict? What is your usual response? Is it a "fight" response, a "flight" response or maybe a "freeze" response? Is responding appropriately to conflict something that has been difficult for you? How have your responses changed over time?
WORKSHOP PLAN
WELCOMING AND ENTERING
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite any participant who needs a name tag to create one now.
OPENING (2 MINUTES)
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Gather the group. Ask a participant to light the chalice as you or another participant read the opening words, "In the quietness of this place," Reading 498 in Singing the Living Tradition.
ACTIVITY 1: INDIVIDUAL AND COMMUNITY POLARITIES (15 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite participants to name tangible and intangible benefits of belonging to their congregational community. Capture responses on newsprint. Keep the brainstorm time short (about two minutes).
Now invite participants to name what they give up in order to be part of the community — a question that will require more thought. Record responses. Keep this brainstorming to about three minutes.
Distribute Handout 1 and invite participants to consider tensions between our needs for individuality and community. Ask for verbal assent (or nodding) if the chart names tensions they have felt as a member of a faith community.
Invite participants to discuss with a partner the question at the bottom of Handout 1. Tell them that their leadership group might consider revisiting this question as part of future work together. Allow eight minutes for pairs to share. Remind them to switch speakers after four minutes.
ACTIVITY 2: STORY — THE FOWLER AND THE QUAIL (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite a participant to read the story to the group. Ask for comments on the ways this ancient Buddhist tale speaks to the tension between individuals and community, and the ways this tension can lead to conflict.
ACTIVITY 3: MANAGING DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR (25 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Say, in your own words:
In a complex system, such as a congregation, disagreement is inevitable as people live out the tensions between individuality and community. Healthy response to expressed disagreement is a key responsibility of leaders, especially when the expression of disagreement is awkward, uncivil or even hostile.
Invite participants to sit quietly and bring to mind an incident during their time in the congregation when disagreement made them uncomfortable. What were the circumstances? What was their role? What was the behavior exhibited? What did they do, or not do, in response? What did others who witnessed or heard about the behavior do or not do in response? Did they have thoughts after the incident about what they or someone else should have done differently? Tell participants that they will not be asked to share their thoughts with others. After a minute or two of silence, invite participants to name some of the emotions they felt as they recalled the incident. As they name feelings, write them on newsprint.
Say, in your own words:
Sometimes behavior of a congregant or group of congregants rises to a level we might define as difficult behavior. In the book, Never Call them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior, Arthur Paul Boers defines difficult behavior as "patterned and sustained behavior that is abusive, irrational, hostile, adversarial, or distorted.'" It can make leaders and the community uncomfortable or emotionally and spiritually unsafe. It can hijack the congregation's and the leadership's attention. It can disrupt processes and lead to conflict or withdrawal from the congregation. It is often an indicator that something in the congregation's system needs attention. Leaders must learn to respond in ways that encourage healthy congregational functioning.
Distribute Handout 2 and invite a volunteer to read the first section on "hardball" responses and another to read the next section on "softball" responses. Invite participants to discuss their own congregation's patterns of response to difficult behavior. Does their congregation tend to use "hardball" or "softball" responses or a combination of the two? Allow ten minutes for this conversation.
Now, read aloud the section of the handout that explains a third way to respond to difficult behavior. Allow brief questions and comments.
Tell the group they will now return to their small groups and consider a "difficult behavior" scenario. Read aloud:
A congregant is of the opinion that the congregation is a hostile place for people of his theological point of view. He writes frequent letters to the governing board and regularly visits the minister to expound on why the congregation is not a welcoming place for him. He takes every occasion at congregational meetings to express his anger at the way the congregation treats him. He often threatens to cut his pledge, but he never actually does it. Other members of the congregation have grown weary of his complaints and are avoiding him.
Post the newsprint sheet you have prepared and ask the small groups to consider the scenario in terms of the posted questions. After five minutes, re-gather and ask each small group to share their responses.
ACTIVITY 4: GIVING THE WORK BACK (35 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Explain that this activity will explore some ways to discern underlying issues that feed conflict or difficult behavior. Point out that leaders who are prepared to seek and address underlying issues can encourage healthy disagreement as a route to solving congregational problems.
Read the first set of scenarios in Handout 3. Invite observations about what the items in Set 1 have in common. Guide participants toward the idea that, in each case, the congregation (or a subset of the congregation) engaged in learning new ways to meet an adaptive challenge. Be ready to write these points on newsprint as they surface in the conversation:
Note: The language participants use to express the key concepts may be different—listen for concepts. If no participant raises these points, raise them yourself. Allow 15 minutes for this part of the activity.
Now, read the second set of scenarios in Handout 3 aloud, one at a time. For each item, invite participants to comment on why the second scenario demonstrates a less effective model for dealing with congregational challenges. Ideally, participants will consider these items in a group of six to ten people. If the group is larger than ten, form smaller groups and ask each group to record their responses on newsprint and post for a large-group discussion.
Participants may observe (in their own words):
Allow 20 minutes for this part of the activity. Encourage participants to bring their own congregational experiences into the conversation as appropriate. If you have formed two or more groups, allow 15 minutes for small group work and five minutes for sharing insights in the large group.
Invite general comment about "giving the work back," and how congregational leaders might make this a regular practice.
ACTIVITY 5: ADAPTIVE LEADERSHIP (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Ask: Bearing in mind all you have learned and experienced in our Harvest the Power workshops, what are important practices for leaders facing adaptive challenges? Invite participants to move into groups of two or three and design a poster of "Best Practices for Adaptive Leadership." Invite them to leave a third of the space open at the bottom of their posters. Instruct them to express best practices in their own words. Tell participants they will have about ten minutes to work, and acknowledge that their lists may be incomplete.
Invite each pair or triad to post and present their list. If you will do Workshop 12 of Harvest the Power, save the posters for that workshop
CLOSING (3 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Gather participants. Invite the group to share a brief moment of silence to honor the important work they have done together. Lead the group in singing the hymn three times.
FAITH IN ACTION: APPLYING UU PRINCIPLES TO CONFLICTS
Description of Activity
Look for congruence of adaptive leadership strategies with our Unitarian Universalist Principles and Sources (at www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml). As we plan how to manage difficult behavior or "give the work back to the people," are there questions or issues we need to address from a Unitarian Universalist point of view?
Practice viewing disagreement as an opportunity to engage in dialogue and discover more about the other person's point of view. Try using adaptive leadership strategies in your family or another organization or group to which you belong.
LEADER REFLECTION AND PLANNING
TAKING IT HOME
Solutions are achieved when "the people with the problem" go through a process together to become "the people with the solution." — Ronald A. Heifetz, contemporary author and leadership educator
Research well known leaders to explore how they have "given the work back to the people." Watch feature films and documentaries about leaders such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Wangari Maathai and Harvey Milk, paying attention to the ways they involved others in finding solutions to adaptive challenges:
Gandhi, film directed by Richard Attenborough (Sony Pictures, 1982)
Milk, film directed by Gus Van Sant (Alliance Films, 2008) and Study Guide (at www.uua.org/leaders/leaderslibrary/leaderslibrary/125446.shtml) for Milk (Unitarian Universalist Association, 2009)
Taking Root: The Vision of Wangari Maathai (at takingrootfilm.com/), a film by Lisa Merton and Alan Dater (Marlboro Productions, 2008).
Find Out More
You may wish to add resources that informed this workshop to your congregation's leadership library:
Boers, Arthur Paul, Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior (Herndon, VA: Alban Institute, 1999)
" Conflict is Part of Congregational Life (at www.uua.org/leaders/leaderslibrary/congregationalhandbook/34760.shtml)," Unitarian Universalist Association Leaders Library
Congregational H a ndbook (at www.uua.org/leaders/leaderslibrary/congregationalhandbook/index.shtml) (Unitarian Universalist Association, 2005)
" Dealing with Disruptive Behaviors (at www.uua.org/leaders/leaderslibrary/ethicscongregational/44145.shtml)," Unitarian Universalist Association Leaders Library
Hobgood, William Chris, Welcoming Resistance ( Herndon, VA : Alban Institute, 2001).
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 1: REPRESENTING ADAPTIVE LEADERSHIP (30 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
What strategies and skills does an adaptive leader use? What kind of presence does that person have? Distribute clay and invite participants to create a representation or symbol of what it means to exercise adaptive leadership.
Allow the group 15 minutes to work with clay. Then invite each participant to present and explain their representation.
HARVEST THE POWER: WORKSHOP 11:
STORY: THE FOWLER AND THE QUAIL
This is a Jataka Tale, one of many folk tales from India concerning previous lives of the Buddha, known as Bodhisattva. This version is adapted from a translation in Jataka Tales (at www.archive.org/details/jatakatalesfranc00fran), by H. T. Francis and E. J. Thomas (Cambridge, England: The University Press, 1916).
Once upon a time the Bodhisattva was born a quail and lived in the forest as the leader of thousands of quail.
There was in that place a fowler who would imitate the call of the quail so as to draw many quail together. When many quail were together, the fowler would fling his net over them, gather them up and bring them to market to sell for food.
The Bodhisattva was determined to help the quail avoid this terrible fate. He called them all together to tell them his plan: "When you hear a quail's call, be alert and remember that it might well be the deceptive call of the fowler. If we keep our wits about us and work together, we can escape the fowler's net. Here's what to do: The very moment he throws his net over you, let each one put their head through an opening in the mesh and then, all together, you must flap your wings. Fly with the net until you are able to let it down on a thorn bush. After the net is caught on the thorns, all may pull their heads out and escape from underneath." All the quail understood the plan. All nodded in agreement: They would work together.
The very next day, the net was cast over a group of them, and they did as they had been instructed by the Bodhisattva. They flew the net to a thorn bush and let it down, escaping from underneath. While the fowler was still untangling his net from the thorns, evening came and he went home empty-handed.
Day after day, the quail used the same device. Day after day, the fowler was forced to untangle and repair his net. His wife grew angry because he brought home no quail to sell at market. But the fowler only said, "Wait a while. Those quail have decided to work together now, but they will not cooperate always. Pretty soon they will start bickering among themselves and I will capture the lot of them."
Not long after this, one of the quail stepped on another's head by accident as he landed on the feeding ground. "Who trod on my head?" the second quail asked angrily. "I'm sorry," said the first. And both quail began to murmur about how crowded the feeding ground had gotten lately. Pretty soon, the two began to taunt one another, and others joined in. Each claimed they had a bigger share of responsibility in lifting up the net to escape the fowler.
The Bodhisattva reminded them they faced great danger if they did not work together, but they were not much interested in what he had to say. He led those who were still willing to cooperate away from the quarrels at the feeding grounds, away from the danger of capture.
Sure enough, the fowler came back a few days later and once again collected the quail together by imitating the sound of a quail. Once again he threw his net over a whole group. One quarrelsome quail said, "I'm tired of carrying such a big share of the load. Others need to flap harder," at which point a second quail defending herself, saying, "I've lost feathers in the effort to lift this net. I work hard enough. There must be lazy ones among us." And they began to quarrel about who was stronger, who worked harder and who should be the one to say when it was time to flap their wings and lift that net off the ground.
And while they were arguing about who should do the work of lifting the net, the fowler lifted the net for them, crammed them in a heap into his basket, and took them off to market.
HARVEST THE POWER: WORKSHOP 11:
HANDOUT 1: THE POLARITIES OF COMMUNITY
The Polarities of Community
*Maintain Self | < -----------------------------> | Connect to Others |
*Allow Freedom | < -----------------------------> | Help One Another |
*Take Risks | < -----------------------------> | Maintain Safety |
*Sacrifice | < -----------------------------> | Benefit |
*Comfort | < -----------------------------> | Challenge |
*Stranger | < -----------------------------> | Friend |
Personal Experience in a Congregation
Describe an experience you had in your congregation which helped you grow, even as you had to give something up.
HARVEST THE POWER: WORKSHOP 11:
HANDOUT 2: RESPONSES TO DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR
"Hardball" Responses
This is the "fight" mode of response to abusive, irrational, hostile, adversarial or distorted behavior. It includes blame, retribution, hostility and counterattack. The basic goal of such tactics is "to outwit, subvert, outmaneuver or silence opponents." Even if leaders succeed at accomplishing a change using hardball methods, the change tends not to last.
Note: On rare occasions, a situation requires a "hardball" response, such as asking an individual to leave. The Conflict Management (at www.uua.org/documents/congservices/dynamics_conflict.pdf) section of the Unitarian Universalist Association Congregational Handbook offers information on how to institute policies and procedures for these occasions and when to seek outside help (such as UUA District staff) to manage congregational conflict.
"Softball" Responses
This is the "flight" mode of response to abusive, irrational, hostile, adversarial or distorted behavior. It includes placating, appeasing, reasoning and avoiding problems. Its goal is to relieve anxiety and re-establish tranquility at any price. Such tactics inadvertently invite the person exhibiting difficult behavior to control the system and the congregation's agenda.
A Third Way
Difficult behavior, however inappropriate, may be a sign of anxiety or distress in the congregational system. If leaders move to alleviate the anxiety on a short-term basis, using either hardball or softball methods, the underlying issue will likely linger in the congregational system and reappear in a different form. There is a third, and generally more effective, way to work with the anxiety that informs difficult behavior: Ask questions and listen to the responses to understand the underlying issues. The third way invites leaders and congregations to learn new ways to respond to conflicts and challenges.
HARVEST THE POWER: WORKSHOP 11:
HANDOUT 3: GIVING THE WORK BACK
Ronald Heifetz notes that an essential strategy of adaptive leadership is to "give the work back to people, but at a rate they can stand." Below are two sets of scenarios. Explore the differences between the actions described in the first set and those described in the second.
"Giving the Work Back" Scenarios — Set 1
Giving the Work Back Scenarios — Set 2