Parent Caregiver Session
Part of Authentic Selves
Goals
Participants will explore:
- the stories of families of transgender and nonbinary people that are shared in Authentic Selves and relate them to our own stories as parents and family
- feelings that parents may experience as a child comes out and transitions
- ways for parents and caregivers to support one another
Materials
- Chalice, candle, matches or lighter
- Copies of the group covenant OR handouts and supplies for making covenant found in Session One of the any/mixed group UU Common Read guide
- Modeling clay, drawing paper, and markers
- Copies of the “We Move Forward in Love” litany handout for each participant
- Optional: A copy of the book, Authentic Selves: Celebrating Trans and Nonbinary People and Their Families
- Optional: Background music for art activity and equipment to play it
- Optional: A few copies of Singing the Living Tradition
Facilitator Preparation
- Decide on your covenant process and gather copies of existing group covenants, if there are any.
- Prepare a sheet of newsprint or a slide with these questions:
- What stories in Authentic Lives resonated for you? What did you find relatable or understandable in those stories?
- What stories surprised you? Did you gain any insights into someone who might feel differently than you do?
- What stories give you hope or inspire you?
- Overall, what lessons on how to be a loving parent to a trans or nonbinary person do you take away from reading the book?
- Gather your art supplies and (optional) select music to play while people do the grieving and letting go activity. If you will meet on Zoom, give participants advance notice to have art supplies of their own choosing ready at home.
- Read the "We Move Forward in Love" litany. Practice it as necessary so you are comfortable leading it with the group.
- Optional: In your copy of Authentic Selves, use sticky notes to mark pages with quotes you will share during this session. The page numbers are provided below with the Opening, Closing, and other readings that come from the book.
Session at a Glance
Total: 90 or 100 minutes
Activity | Time |
---|---|
Chalice Lighting and Welcome | 5 min |
Covenant Reminder | 5 or 15 min |
Introductions and Our Kids | 10 min |
Families in Authentic Selves | 15 minutes |
Grieving and Letting Go | 10 minutes |
Sharing Challenges Families Face | 15 minutes |
Moving On in Love | 10 minutes |
What Next? | 10 minutes |
Closing and Chalice Extinguishing | 5 minutes |
Session Plan
Opening and Chalice Lighting (5 minutes)
Light the chalice with these words by Alex Kapitan from page xviii of Authentic Selves:
"This book is not a manual for how to understand or relate to the people in your life who are trans and/or nonbinary, nor is it a guide to understanding your own identity. Rather, it is a testimony to the power of being exactly who we are meant to be.
"May it inspire you to be your authentic self and celebrate authenticity in all those you love."
Covenant Reminder (5 minutes, ongoing group; 15 minutes, new group)
If your group has completed the previous four sessions of this Common Read and made a covenant then, remind everyone of that covenant now.
If your group is an ongoing parent support group with its own covenant, remind all of that covenant.
Lift up an aspect of the covenant that you find important for today’s discussion. For instance, you might say, “I especially want to remind us about our agreement to listen for understanding and only give advice that is asked for. This agreement always helps me be more open in my sharing.”
If this is a new group without a covenant, you will need additional time to agree on one. Refer to the Covenant activity in Session One of the Any/Mixed Discussion Guide for this Common Read.
Introductions and Our Kids (10 minutes)
Offer a reminder about not outing others and about respect for our loved ones’ privacy. Say something like:
As parents and caregivers of children, we often seek a delicate balance of sharing outside our family and finding support for ourselves, while also respecting our loved one’s right to privacy and to tell their own stories. And so we are reminded that we don’t, and won’t, know everything about each other and our stories. Some of us may have loved ones who have come out to us, but not to the rest of the world. Some of us may be holding stories and challenges in our hearts that we cannot speak fully about here.
Be gentle, do not make assumptions, let us each share what is right for each of us with no pressure to share more.
Invite a round of introductions. Invite people to share their names, pronouns, and a bit about their parenting stage and the ages of their kids. A facilitator should go first to model brevity, and then proceed by mutual invitation.
Families in Authentic Selves (20 minutes)
Say something like:
The book, Authentic Selves, has gifted us with incredibly personal and vulnerable stories. With photos and in people's own words, we have glimpses into the family lives of a diverse gathering of trans and nonbinary people in the United States.
One way the family stories vary is in parents' reactions.
Share these two of many examples from the book:
Page 16: “For me, there was not even a moment of hesitation or a question in my heart and mind whether I could accept Angelle. In fact, I loved her even more! After all, she was the same beautiful person I birthed into the world …. To me, this was a reintroduction of who Angelle had known herself to be--a woman, a sister, a daughter--my trans daughter!” -- Angelica Canlas Castro
Page 51: “For all my open and affirming acceptance of any kid that came through my door, I had no idea how to process that my 'daughter' was a boy. All my attachment to my feminist ideal of passing on the mantle from mother to daughter came crashing down … all these thoughts and more kept me frozen in grief.” -- Tamira Burns
Then say:
There are additional examples of siblings, twins, parents, and grandparents who vary in the ways that they have accepted, supported, and loved their trans family member. And, there are stories shared by trans and nonbinary people about how their family members have never accepted them or have rejected them.
Lead a discussion with these questions:
- What stories in Authentic Selves resonated for you? What did you find relatable or understandable in those stories?
- What stories surprised you? Did you gain any insights into someone who might feel differently than you do?
- What stories give you hope or inspire you?
- Overall, what lessons on how to be a loving parent to a trans or nonbinary person do you take away from reading the book?
Letting Go of Expectations (10 minutes)
NOTE: Offering a clay option is more inclusive of people with vision impairment and may also help those with art anxiety. No matter what option people choose, the art-making will not be shared. It is only for their own self reflection purposes.
Introduce this activity by saying something like:
It is a common sharing for parents of trans and nonbinary people to talk about grieving. And, when parents express grief around having a trans child, that is often hurtful to and even resented by trans people.
Parental feelings of grief are not unique to parents of trans children. They can come from any gap between expectations and reality. Any parent might feel grief at a difference between their imagined, expected child and the actual child they parent. Expressing any of these griefs, too, may also be hurtful to those actual children.
Ask participants to think of their own childhood. Invite them to silently reflect on these questions:
- What expectations did you know others had for you? When did you feel like you were meeting those expectations?
- Were there expectations you knew you were not meeting? How did that feel?
- Were there aspects of yourself you wished were accepted but never were? How did that feel?
Say:
This exercise may help clarify what imaginary child you were holding. It then invites you to let that imaginary child go, so that you may be more fully present with your actual child.
The artwork in this exercise is neither to keep nor to share. There is no wrong way to do this.
Distribute the art supplies, and explain the exercise by saying something like:
Draw a simple sketch or mold a clay model of the “dream child” you may have envisioned before your real, actual child came to you. Include the gender you expected or hoped for, the way you thought they might look ("They’ll have my eyes!") and the personality traits and interests you thought they would have ("We’ll play catch just like I did with my dad, or they’ll love ballet and be really good at it.").
Explore your expectations, with art, for about five minutes.
Optional: Play music as people work on their art explorations.
Give a one-minute warning, and then call everyone’s attention back. Then, say something like:
Now do something to let that child go. Just cross your drawing out, or crumple up the paper, even rip it up. Smoosh up your clay. Whatever feels good to you. If you don’t want to smoosh or rip, you can give it to the Facilitator to dispose of for you. Just don’t keep it, (and definitely don’t let your actual children see it!). Let it go.
If people are doing this at home on Zoom, give them extra encouragement to make sure the art is completely discarded/destroyed. This is for two reasons: So they can complete the exercise as intended, and so their artwork will not be lying around to be found by others.
Sharing Challenges Families Face (15 minutes)
Invite participants to form pairs. If any participants are co-parents, mix them up so they can share with someone other than their co-parent. Have participants share for 10 minutes total about this question:
- What challenges did you expect as a parent or caregiver, and what have been the unexpected challenges?
Bring the whole group back together after 10 minutes and invite reflection on these questions:
- When have you felt isolated in your challenges as a parent? How does our society leave us alone in our challenges?
- What supports have you found in facing your challenges?
Moving On in Love (10 minutes)
Say something like:
In all close relationships, including parent child relationships, mistakes will happen. We are human, and imperfect. And what we know is that healthy relationships are not ones that never experience a “rupture,” but are rather relationships where there is “repair”.
The cycle of rupture and repair can even strengthen a relationship and help model resilience, growth, and healing for our children. And so we are here, all having likely made mistakes that we may regret. And now we will offer each other a litany of blessing to make repairs.
Distribute copies of the “We Move Forward in Love” litany to read aloud together. Explain that this litany is inspired by a reading in Singing the Living Tradition, reading #637, by Robert Eller-Isaacs. (Optional: Share copies of Singing the Living Tradition to those who would like to read the original reading.)
Point out that the litany has an invitation for participants to add their own sharings. Remind participants to hold each others’ sharings in confidentiality and care.
Lead the litany.
What Next? (10 minutes)
Use this time to explore next moves for participants and the group. If you hope to organize an ongoing support group, use this time to begin that process (Option One). If you are not sure what might come of this session, choose a group reflection time (Option Two).
Option One: Explore an Ongoing Support Group
Pose these questions:
- What would be our goal for an ongoing parent support group?
- Who would be included or invited?
- What is our next move to make this happen?
Option Two: General Reflection
As a whole group, reflect on these questions:
- What is the next move for you in your parenting journey? What growth and transformation would you like to cultivate?
- How can you, as a parent or family member, offer support to other parents?
- How can you, as a parent or family member, support people’s gender authenticity?
Whichever option you choose, be ready to guide the group into any immediate actions steps their conversation suggests. For example, you can offer to share out contact information. Or you might suggest a day/time/location for a next meet-up, for those who are interested in continuing to plan.
Closing and Chalice Extinguishing (5 minutes)
Extinguish the chalice with these words by Alex Kapitan from page xviii of Authentic Selves:
“[Here] is a testimony to the power of being exactly who we are meant to be. May it inspire you to be your authentic self and celebrate authenticity in all those you love.”