Session Three is the hard one, dealing with family and support—and the frequent lack of family and support. The session begins with sharing different family structures that participants have experienced firsthand. An activity for representing support through art follows. Finally, discussion focuses on support provided (and not provided) by families of origin and choice. This session can deal with difficult issues, so take your time, proceed carefully, and always allow participants to pass.

Materials

• Chalice and a way to light it
• Name tags and markers
• Newsprint, or a whiteboard and dry erase markers
• Laptop or other way to show a video
• Depending on your chosen option for the Symbols of Support activity:
  • Paper, scissors, glue sticks, and magazines with suitable pictures (cut them out yourself in advance if possible, to save time); or
  • Prepared slideshow on a platform like Google Slides, with a slide for each online participant; or
  • Suitable objects to be arranged into still lifes
• Brochures and printed web pages (annotated with URIs) of local organizations that support transgender and nonbinary people and their families

Preparation

• Post a large, easily readable copy of the group covenant where everyone can see it.
• Prepare to show the video “Family Narratives in Authentic Selves.”
• Choose an option for the Symbols of Support activity and prepare the materials for it.
• (optional) Prepare one sheet of newsprint (or a slide, for online or hybrid meetings) with all the sharing questions:
  • When did you need support from your family?
  • When did you get support from your family?
  • When did you not get support from your family?
  • When did you provide support to your family?
• (optional) Prepare three sheets of newsprint (or slides, for online or hybrid meetings) with one discussion question on each:
  • Can the experiences of the families of transgender and nonbinary people be usefully described as a transition?
  • When a transgender or nonbinary person comes out, is it accurate to say that their families grieve?
  • When the families of transgender and nonbinary people move to another state to avoid transphobic legislation, do they deserve our support?

Session at a Glance

Chalice Lighting (5 mins)

Light your chalice with these words, which are excerpted from “Asking for Help,” by Quinn Gormley.

Introduce the reading by saying that its author, Quinn Gormley (she/her), is a spiritual caregiver who serves as the Equity and Access Coordinator for the Maine Coalition against Sexual Assault and as a call chaplain for Southern Maine Health Care . She has substantial work experience in clinical, policy, and nonprofit settings and is dedicated to work that lifts up marginalized people.

His kid came out a few nights ago and wants to transition. He’s very worried. He watches the news. He knows how trans kids get treated. I do too. I was a trans kid. I released the breath I’d been holding. This was a conversation I know how to have.

We talked for a while about how cruel the world is, about how his kid might very well get hurt. Lots do. He’s afraid to let them transition. But then we talked about how we can’t control the world. His kid is different and might get hurt either way. “So why not let them control what happiness they can? You can teach them how to handle the rest.” We talked about how happy kids are safer kids, because happy kids have adults they can ask for help.

A hug, a trading of numbers, and a few tissues later and he was on his way to the store to buy his son a clip-on tie and those Spider-Man shoes he didn’t give him for his birthday.

Sometimes the story does end well.

Then say something like:

This session we will be exploring some topics and experiences that may be difficult. So it’s important to remind ourselves of our covenant and how we will hold each other in patience and support as we do this together.

Have participants read the items on your covenant by mutual invitation: each person reads a line and then invites someone else to read the next one. Read the first one yourself.

Check-Ins (10 mins)

Once the covenant has been read, say something like:

We’re going to go around the room for a quick check-in and also reintroductions, just in case people forgot names and pronouns or in case anyone wants to use a different name or pronoun than they did last time. When it’s your turn, give us your name and the pronouns we can use for you today. Tell us briefly how things have been with you, and if you’re drawing a blank there, share with us your favorite pizza topping. When you’re done, call on somebody who hasn’t checked in to go next. I’ll start.

Supply your name and pronouns and your favorite pizza topping. It’s okay if it’s pineapple. This is a safe space. Have participants make name tags for themselves with the name and pronouns they have indicated.

Video: “Family Narratives in Authentic Selves” (5 mins)

Show the video “Family Narratives in Authentic Selves.”

Sharing: What Is Family? (20 mins)

Say something like:

As we all know, families come in all shapes and sizes. There are a couple terms used in Authentic Selves with which you might not have been familiar. The terms “chosen family” and “found family” are often used to describe families that we’ve created as youth or adults, that are different from the socially prescribed pattern of a couple and their children. The “House of” terminology comes from Black ballroom culture and describes its tight networks of mentorship and support.

Invite the group to share the family structures they come from, or interesting exceptions in their extended family trees or chosen family. Keep the discussion focused on the lived experiences of the participants and their close family and friends. If any sharing gets uncomfortably close to talking about the experiences of people who aren’t in the room, move on to someone else.

Once most of the group has shared, verbally recognize that family structures are never permanent. They all change, develop, fall away, and are replaced. Some participants may have already shared how their families have changed; briefly recognize those mentions. Then invite the rest of the group to share how their families have changed over time.

Then say something like:

No matter their shape or history, a common theme in healthy families is support for each other as their members navigate their lives. Next we’re going to talk about support in our families, which can be a difficult topic to discuss. I want to remind everyone that anyone can pass at any time. We have four discussion prompts. When it’s your turn, you can pick one to answer briefly and then nominate another person to speak, or you can just nominate somebody else to go immediately.

Reveal the four prompts:

• When did you need support from your family?
• When did you get support from your family?
• When did you not get support from your family?
• When did you provide support to your family?

Give the group about 5 minutes to share some stories about family support, until everyone who wishes to has spoken. In a small or medium-sized group, you may have time for people to speak more than once.

Symbols of Support (20 mins)

Introduce this activity by saying something like this:

Much like the families that provide it, support can come in many shapes and sizes. We have physical needs, safety needs, emotional needs, and more. We need structure and we need freedom. Next we’re going to explore what support looks like or has looked like with a creative exercise.

Now introduce the option you have chosen for this activity, and tell participants they will have 10 minutes to work on their creation before sharing about it.

Option 1: Collages of support. Provide participants with a selection of pictures, or magazines to cut images from, along with scissors, glue sticks, and paper, and invite them to create collages that depict what support can look like.

Option 2: Online collages. Create a slideshow in advance on a platform like Google Slides, with one slide for each participant. Share the link to the slideshow with participants and invite each person to import imagesinto their slide to create a collage of what support can look like.

Option 3: Found object still life. Provide a variety of objects and have participants select some and arrange them into a still life composition to represent support. You can invite online participants to find objects in their space and arrange them to share on camera. Encourage everyone to use all their senses, not just sight, in choosing objects: which ones feel like support, or smell or sound like it?

Play some music during the 10 minutes of work time from the Authentic Selves playlist (YouTube).

After 10 minutes, bring the group back together and invite participants to briefly share their creation and explain how it represents what support means to them.

Discussion: Support in Families (20 mins)

Start this discussion by saying something like:

In the book, Anjali Rimi’s mother Gouri tells her, “Whatever gender you are, you should live as that person. I am with you. I am always with you. Even if your father is against you, never mind, I am with you.” Some of these accounts describe family members who were very supportive, like Gouri. Others describe family members who did not provide that support. What other stories about families, good and bad, in the book struck you as noteworthy?

Invite the group to share which family stories from the book they remember best, speaking whenever they wish. Some participants may need some time to remember which story a family comes from, so it would be helpful to have a copy of the book for people to refer to as needed.

Allow enough time for each person to speak if they wish to share. Then shift toward focused discussion questions.

Say something like the following, demonstrating the hand signals as you describe them:

We have some discussion questions next, for which we’ll use Fist to Five to canvas general agreement. If you haven’t done this before, you raise your hand holding out a number of fingers. That number describes how much you agree with the given statement. Five fingers is full agreement; no fingers—a fist—is strong disagreement; two fingers for slight disagreement, four for mostly agree, and so on. After we raise our hands, people who want to elaborate in words will have an opportunity to do so. Make sense?

Once everyone is on board, say something like:

In his story, Parker Glick says, “I do take into consideration that my transition is also a transition for my parents and siblings. It’s not been all smooth sailing, but I appreciate the efforts they are all making.” What do you think? Do families of transgender and nonbinary people experience a transition comparable to that of their family members? Let’s see your agreement on your fingers.

Give the group time to choose their level of agreement and signal it with the appropriate hand gesture. Summarize the general consensus or highlight the range demonstrated by the group. Ask a few participants to elaborate on their answers.

Then say something like:

In his story, Ryan Michael Alexander says, “When I came out to my mom, there was a lot of crying and open sadness in the beginning. My mom informed me that she needed time to process the grief.” Do you think that “grief” is an accurate word for this? Show us your fingers!

As before, poll the group, summarize the results, and invite participants to elaborate if they wish. Then say something like:

Since the publication of Authentic Selves, a wave of transphobic legislation has been passed in many places in the United States. Some families of transgender and nonbinary people, especially kids, are moving to different states to avoid that legislation. Some can’t move without financial or material assistance. Do these families deserve support? Let’s use Fist to Five one last time.

Poll the group and ask one or two participants to elaborate, possibly with ideas as to what that support would look like or entail.

Next Moves: Faith, Community, and Support (5 mins)

Say something like:

To close we’re going to move our focus outward to our faith community. As Unitarian Universalists, we covenant to affirm and promote a whole bunch of things, including the inherent worth and dignity of every human being. A faith community is not a family, but it can provide support, both for individuals and for families. What can our local, regional, or international UU community do to better supporttransgender and nonbinary people and their families?

Treat this question as a light brainstorming session, exploring ideas and methods for outreach. If disagreements crop up, reframe them as highlighting obstacles and move the conversation along.

Share the brochures and websites of local organizations which support transgender and nonbinary people and their families. Some participants may want to share personal experiences with these organizations.

Keep an eye on the clock in order to end on time.

Closing and Chalice Extinguishing (5 mins)

If you did not collect or photograph the “I Am” poems after Session Two, remind participants to bring them to the next session.

Read the following excerpt from the chalice lighting and extinguish the chalice:

But then we talked about how we can’t control the world. His kid is different and might get hurt either way. “So why not let them control what happiness they can? You can teach them how to handle the rest.” We talked about how happy kids are safer kids, because happy kids have adults they can ask for help.

Sometimes the story does end well.