This session focuses on understanding what family means. Some transgender and nonbinary people have supportive and loving families of origin, but others do not. Like many people, they may seek out their own “chosen family” that will envelop them in a structure of caring and compassion they did not find in the one they were reared in. This session invites participants to consider what family means to them.

We suggest that, as people arrive for this session, you play “Everything Is New,” (YouTube) by Jamie Wilson, a transgender male singer and advocate, or other songs from the Authentic Selves playlist. If using Jamie’s song, tell participants that the two voices harmonizing in the song are both Jamie: one from before his medical transition and one after.

Materials

• Chalice and a way to light it
• Name tags and markers
• Copies of the group covenant, for new participants
• Laptop or other way to show the video
• Depending on your chosen option for the Symbols of Support activity:
  • Paper, scissors, glue sticks, and magazines with suitable pictures (cut them out yourself in advance if possible, to save time); or
  • Variety of appropriate objects, enough for each participant to choose four to six
• Copies of Handout 3-1: Support Resources for each participant
• (optional) Equipment to play music
• Prepared slideshow on a platform like Google Slides, with a slide for each online participant; or

Preparation

• Make copies of the group covenant to share with any new participants joining in this session.
• Decide what you want to highlight about the group covenant this week and prepare to say something brief about it in the covenant review.
• Prepare to show the video “My Relationship with My Family after Telling My Story.”
• Prepare a slide or sheet of newsprint with these discussion questions for the What Is Family? activity:
  • What is your definition of family?
  • Have you had your idea of family stretched or challenged? When has it grown or changed to meet new circumstances or learned truths?
  • What do we gain when we no longer assume that there can be only one family structure? What are some of the different structures we find in the world?
• Choose an option for the Symbols of Support activity and prepare the materials for it. If the group includes vision-impaired participants, choose Option 3.
• Prepare a slide or sheet of newsprint with these discussion questions for the Discussion: Support in Families activity:
  • What stories did you read that showed examples of good and healthy support being offered within a family (using a broad understanding of what family means)?
  • What challenges did some family members in the book disclose that they had, and what can we learn from some of the mistakes they reported?
  • How did these stories expand your understanding of what support trans and nonbinary people and their families might need?
  • How did these stories expand your understanding of what giving and receiving support can look like for all people?
• (optional but encouraged): Research local support resources for trans and nonbinary people, and compile them in a handout to supplement Handout 3-1.

Session at a Glance

Chalice Lighting (5 mins)

Ask people to make name tags for themselves as they arrive, and invite them to share their pronouns on their name tags. Before moving on to the chalice lighting, ask if anyone requests that the name or pronouns they have shared be kept confidential within the group during participation (this is an important protection for transgender or nonbinary people who might not be out publicly).

Light your chalice with these words, which are excerpted from“Asking for Help,” by Quinn Gormley, which can be found on the UUA’s WorshipWeb.

Introduce the reading by saying that its author, Quinn Gormley (she/her), is a spiritual caregiver who serves as the Equity and Access Coordinator for the Maine Coalition against Sexual Assault and as a call chaplain for Southern Maine Health Care. She has substantial work experience in clinical, policy, and nonprofit settings and is dedicated to work that lifts up marginalized people.

His kid came out a few nights ago and wants to transition. He’s very worried. He watches the news. He knows how trans kids get treated. I do too. I was a trans kid. I released the breath I’d been holding. This was a conversation I know how to have.

We talked for a while about how cruel the world is, about how his kid might very well get hurt. Lots do. He’s afraid to let them transition. But then we talked about how we can’t control the world. His kid is different and might get hurt either way. “So why not let them control what happiness they can? You can teach them how to handle the rest.” We talked about how happy kids are safer kids, because happy kids have adults they can ask for help.

A hug, a trading of numbers, and a few tissues later and he was on his way to the store to buy his son a clip-on tie and those Spider-Man shoes he didn’t give him for his birthday.

Sometimes the story does end well.

Covenant Review (5 mins)

Remind participants of the covenant that they created in Session One and have copies available, especially for any new participants.

Highlight any section of the covenant that seems important to you with your group. Keep your remarks brief and speak from your own experience and authenticity.

For instance, say something like:

One part of this covenant that I’d like to lift up for us all today is the section called “Practice Self-Focus.” I love this idea because it reminds me to get curious when I am feeling irritated or having a reaction to something someone else said or did. I find that when I do that I’m able to learn more both about myself and about other people.

Or:

One part of this covenant that feels important to me is “Confidentiality.” I always feel more able to share deeply when I know my stories aren’t going to be repeated elsewhere without my permission.

Check-Ins (10 mins)

Have participants offer brief check-ins, using mutual invitation. Ask them to share the name and pronouns they would like others to use for them today, and either one way they have recently received support or one way they have recently given support. Check in first yourself, to model brevity.

Have participants make name tags for themselves with the name and pronouns they have indicated.

What Is Family? (20 mins)

Say something like:

Now we will explore the concept of family. Many of the authors in Authentic Selves talk about the idea of “chosen family.” A chosen family means people who deliberately choose to love and support each other, regardless of marriage, blood relationship, or legally recognized forms of kinship. TAYLOR and SZN ALXNDR and Dee Dee Ngozi Chamblee also mention being members of a “House.” The concept of Houses comes out of Black ballroom culture and the way that trans people, especially, created homes and families within it. These are just some of the many concepts and constellations of family that are shared in Authentic Selves. How do these stories invite us to expand our own understandings of family?

Show the video “My Relationship with My Family after Telling My Story.”

Introduce the discussion questions by saying something like this:

As we discuss family, we hold the truth that, while family can be a great source of love and support, it can also be a source of suffering. We do not know what stories of trauma may be held in this circle, and no one needs to share more than they want to. And so let us hold each other in care and compassion, for all that is shared and all that is not.

Post or reveal the discussion questions and lead the group in responding to them using mutual invitation.

• What is your definition of family?
• Have you had your idea of family stretched or challenged? When has it grown or changed to meet new circumstances or learned truths?
• What do we gain when we no longer assume that there can be only one family structure?

Symbols of Support (20 mins)

Introduce this activity by saying something like this:

Now we will explore the concept of support through a creative exercise. People have many kinds of needs: physiological needs, needs for safety and security, needs for love and belonging, a need to be esteemed, and a need for self-actualization, among others. Support can help us meet any of these.

Explain the option you have chosen for this activity, and tell participants they will have 10 minutes to work on their creation before sharing about it.

Option 1: Collages of support. Provide participants with a selection of pictures, or magazines to cut images from, along with scissors, glue sticks, and paper, and invite them to create collages that depict what support can look like.

Option 2: Online collages. Create a slideshow in advance on a platform like Google Slides, with one slide for each participant. Share the link to the slideshow with participants and invite each person to import images into their slide to create a collage of what support can look like.

Option 3: Found object still life. Provide a variety of objects and have participants select some and arrange them into a still life composition to represent support. You can invite online participants to find objects in their space and arrange them to share on camera. Encourage everyone to use all their senses, not just sight, in choosing objects: which ones feel like support, or smell or sound like it?

Play some music from the Authentic Selves YouTube playlist during the 10 minutes of work time if you like.

After 10 minutes, bring the group back together and invite participants to briefly share their creation andexplain how it represents what support means to them.

Discussion: Support in Families (15 mins)

Say something like:

The stories in Authentic Selves offer examples of loving support, of support denied, and of stumbles along the way to healthy support. The stories are told from multiple perspectives, and what one person needed for support was sometimes different from what another needed. Sometimes family members and others didn’t realize that someone needed support. Now we will discuss what we found in reading these stories.

Divide participants into small groups of three or four people and post or reveal the discussion questions:

• What stories did you read that showed examples of good and healthy support being offered within a family (using a broad understanding of what family means)?
• What challenges did some family members face in figuring out what support their family member needed and what mistakes did some of them make?
• How did these stories expand your understanding of what support trans and nonbinary people and their families might need?
• How did these stories expand your understanding of what giving and receiving support can look like for all people?

Allow 15 minutes for discussion.

Taking It Further (10 mins)

Pass out Handout 3-1: Support Resources. If you created a handout of local support resources, pass it out as well.

Say something like:

One good rule for offering support is the Platinum Rule. This is an extension of the Golden Rule, which some of us may be more familiar with: the Golden Rule says to “do to others as you would have them do to you,” while the Platinum Rule says, “do to others as they would have you do to them.” The Platinum Rule reminds us that people are different and what feels good and supportive to one person may not to another. So, as we are offering support, let’s be mindful to give support that is wanted, and not prioritize our own need to Do Something over other people’s needs.

Ask participants to look at the handouts and ask themselves, “What are some next moves for me? How can I seek the support I need? How can I offer the support I can give?” Allow a few moments for silent reflection. Then use the remaining time to have the group discuss the following questions:

• What are some next moves for the congregation?
• What support can the congregation offer to its trans, nonbinary, gender-expansive, and gender-questioning members and friends, and to their legal and chosen families?
• What support does the congregation need? (Examples could include education, resources, and help with structural changes.)

Note that the group will explore next moves for the congregation more in the final session, and participants can continue to think about these questions between now and then.

Closing and Chalice Extinguishing (5 mins)

If you did not collect or photograph the “I Am” poems after Session Two, remind participants to bring them to the next session.

Extinguish the chalice either with this excerpt from the chalice lighting by Quinn Gormley:

But then we talked about how we can’t control the world. His kid is different and might get hurt either way. “So why not let them control what happiness they can? You can teach them how to handle the rest.” We talked about how happy kids are safer kids, because happy kids have adults they can ask for help

or by quoting Dee Dee Ngozi Chamblee in Authentic Selves (page 131): “Sometimes your family of origin must go through a mourning period of letting the old person die to receive the new person—the one who was there all along but who they never recognized.” Add that this is true for all humans, no matter who they are. At times our families must release their expectations of us in order to accept us.

Close by saying, “We extinguish the chalice today committing to keep walking authentically and to keep inviting others to live their own authenticity.”