Here Comes the Judge! Learning to Cultivate Curiousity...
I grew up eating a lot of ethnic northern European foods. I would often get comments in the workplace lunch room about the leftovers I had brought in that day. I remember one comment about "what a strange food combination" I was eating (sauerkraut with a dollop of sour cream) that made me feel really defensive and reactive. Both the person who made the comment and I were perplexed by my reaction at the time, but I've recently been given a framework that has helped me make sense of that incident.
The framework is from a recent Intercultural Competency Training that I took, the same model that is being used in the Who Are Our Neighbors program being offered to ministers (and will later be offered to others) by the Unitarian Universalist Ministers Association (UUMA) . The co-worker was perplexed because she thought she was just expressing curiosity about food she had never seen before. What neither of us understood at the time was that she was doing so from a place of judgment -- i.e. that she held the framework of what foods were "normal" and what foods were "strange." I now understand my own reactivity as being seen as "strange" and "not normal" by eating food that was very much a part of my cultural identity.
The lesson I'm trying to learn as I cultivate my own intercultural competence is that the "new normal" is that there is no "normal," at least when it comes to the expressions of our Unitarian Universalist faith that are cultural. Instead of being judgmental from our own cultural lens, we can practice dialogue that helps us to listen to and understand how others live in and interpret the world.
How might this look?
From: "You used the word "God" 14 times in that sermon. Isn't that a bit excessive?"
To: "I notice you used the word "God" a lot in your sermon. What is your understanding of that word?"
From: "It's alright to have folk music every once in a while, but it's important that we not deviate from the excellent classical music that is part of our reputation."
To: "Folk music is not my favorite type of music in the service, but I notice that you were enjoying it. Tell me about what you were experiencing."
From: "You brought Styrofoam cups?!? Don't you know how damaging that is to the environment?"
To: "I see you brought some cups. I'm curious as to why you chose that particular kind."
Developing this practice of starting from a place of curiosity rather than judgment creates an atmosphere where dialogue can create a shared, negotiated understanding because we can learn about the underlying identities and values that support our preferences.