- So I understand SHIFT, 
but the T is triangulation in SHIFT? 
And I want to really understand that. 
Can you explain it really well for me? 
- Absolutely. 
One of the things that we've got to remember 
about triangulation is that it's not triangle. 
So one of the mistakes that we make is 
that we believe every triangle that gets formed 
in relationship to ourselves ends up being a triangulation, 
and that's not true. 
Triangles are really, really strong shapes, 
and so it's impossible to sit on a two-legged stool, 
but it's fairly easy on a three-legged stool. 
And so what we've got to remember is that when I go to you, 
and I'm seeking counsel, 
you are my peer, and we are equals, a
and I go to you, seeking counsel, counsel is okay to seek, 
and it's okay for you to give me your advice. 
The issue comes in when you come to me, 
and you want me to save you, 
and you want me to save you from another individual, 
and if I take that role on, then we've got triangulation. 
- So a healthy way to do this is 
that if I have an issue with my friend, 
and I come to you to seek counsel, 
I'm talking about my friend. 
- Right. 
- That's not bad? 
- No, it's not bad, 
it's never bad. - Okay, 
so I'm gonna ask you to help me with my friend, 
and you give me some advice, and then we go away. 
- Right. 
- And that's healthy? 
- That's totally healthy. 
- Okay, so what's not healthy? 
- If you come to me, 
and you're not seeking advice any longer, 
you're seeking a savior, 
so you're a victim, and you've been victimized by Renee, 
and you feel you've been victimized by Renee, 
and what you tell me is a secret, 
is something that was between the two of you. 
I was not involved in it. 
And I feel flattered by the fact 
that obviously, I'm a fabulous savior, 
and you've come to me for help, and I must help you. 
And so I then take on your situation with Renee, 
and I go to Renee, and I decide I'm gonna stick my foot 
into your relationship with her. 
- I really like that, because you get to fix my problem. 
- I know! 
You get to go home and go to sleep, 
and I stay awake at night, thinking about those. 
That's right, that would be triangulation, that's right. 
And it isn't that we won't all try to do that. 
Anybody can do that. 
Everybody who's under duress wants help 
and often wants to hand it to somebody else, 
it's just so wanting to do that. 
I'm so stressed out, I need for you to go do this for me. 
And the answer is no, 
and that's true for congregations, too. 
Congregations call Congregational Life staff 
in a triangulation. 
And they say, "You have to come in, 
"and you have to save us. 
"For 50 years, we've been doing this thing, 
"and we're doing it again, 
"and we want you to come in, 
"and we're gonna give you six hours 
"on Saturday to fix this." 
And that, again, is just more triangulation. 
So it has to be that the individual 
who is being triangled in doesn't create triangulation, 
absolutely says, instead, 
"How can I help you go do this work?" 
It's not my work. 
Your work is with Renee. 
Your work as leaders in the congregation is 
with your congregation. 
Nobody from the outside 
of that relationship can actually save that relationship. 
- So if a congregation were gonna call you, 
as part of Congregational Life staff, 
they're calling you to seek your counsel, 
but they're not calling you to fix their problem. 
Is that what I hear you saying? 
- In the best of all worlds, 
that's exactly the way it would work, yes. 
But often, congregations do call, wanting a savior. 
In spite of the fact 
that Unitarian Universalism doesn't have bishops, 
when conflict has happened, 
what we want is somebody to come in and say, 
"You're right, you're wrong. 
"This is what needs to happen." 
And what really needs to happen, 
because of who we are and what we stand for in the world, 
is we have to help them do their own work. 
So how do I help you? 
How do I help you, congregational leader? 
How do I help you, minister? 
How do I help you, religious educator? 
To do your own work, rather than handing it to me, 
because I can't fix it. 
- But if you can't fix it, 
and I'm the leader of a congregation, 
why should I call you if I know you can't fix it? 
- I have tools, I have expertise, 
and I can walk with you while you fix it. 
And you can continue to ask my counsel. 
So I will walk with you as you do your work, 
but I will not do your work for you. 
- It sounds really comforting to know 
that I wouldn't be alone doing this really hard thing. 
- Yes, it does. 
We're better together.