PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT
A Tapestry of Faith Program for Adults
WORKSHOP 6: CONNECTION
BY MELANIE J. DAVIS STEPHANIE HAYMAKER, PH.D. CRAIG HIRSHBERG, M.DIV. RICHARD BELLINGHAM, ED.D.
© Copyright 2008 Unitarian Universalist Association.
Published to the Web on 9/29/2014 9:03:06 PM PST.
This program and additional resources are available on the UUA.org web site at
www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith.
WORKSHOP OVERVIEW
INTRODUCTION
Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect . . .
— E.M. Forster, early-twentieth-century British novelist
A healthy, satisfying relationship is not based on love alone. Rather, it is supported by a web of qualities such as those explored in this program: intention, humility, trust, dignity, connection, generosity, play, collaboration, and commitment. When couples integrate these qualities into their lives, they become stronger as individuals and as a couple.
In this workshop, participants work toward enhancing the connection they feel with their partners. They explore how couples connect and how to deepen that sense of connection (physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually); how to complement each other's need for connection; and how they can grow as a couple by connecting to families, friends, and community. They will also explore their individual and/or mutual needs for higher purpose and their connections with the larger web of existence.
Guiding Unitarian Universalist Principle
Seventh Principle: Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part
Connection is that deep sense of knowing another person, which gives us the confidence to live in the world as part of a couple. The way we, as partners, communicate with one another — physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually — and the way we connect with others reflect how we value our interdependent web. Further, all of our actions and attitudes as partners are shaped by an interdependent web of family, friends, environment, community, and world.
Considerations for Adaptation
Alternate Activity 2, Four Dimensions of Connection, can provide couples with concrete ideas for activities that enhance or sustain connections. You may wish to consider using it if your group is looking for directly applicable skills. Activity 2, The Art of Connection, is more playful and offers couples a connecting experience in and of itself. Activity 3, Connecting from the Heart, can be emotionally intense. If your couples have had difficulty "going deep" with each other in previous workshops, you may wish to preface the activity with worship, meditation, or a ritual that can help participants open up to their partners.
GOALS
This workshop will:
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
WORKSHOP-AT-A-GLANCE
Activity | Minutes |
Welcoming and Entering | |
Opening | 10 |
Activity 1: Check-in | 10 |
Activity 2: The Art of Connection | 20 |
Activity 3: Connecting from the Heart | 35 |
Activity 4: Strengthening Your Social Web | 20 |
Activity 5: Finding Your Thread in the Interdependent Web | 15 |
Closing | 10 |
Alternate Activity 1: Faith in Action — Social Justice | 20 |
Alternate Activity 2: Four Dimensions of Connection | 30 |
SPIRITUAL PREPARATION
Consider the guiding Principle for this workshop, "Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part," and the workshop's focus on connection. Take some time to reflect on ways you connect with others in physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual ways. You may have a different answer for each category of people with whom you are in relationship, such as a partner, family, or friends. Are there ways you would like to connect, but don't? How can you change that? Reflect on how Unitarian Universalism and/or your congregation support those connections.
WORKSHOP PLAN
WELCOMING AND ENTERING
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
As participants enter, invite them to sign in, create name tags, and pick up a schedule for the workshop series if they have not already done so. Direct their attention to the agenda for this workshop.
OPENING (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Refer to Leader Resource 1, Order of Service — Connection, to conduct the opening. You may adapt the service to fit with your group's interest as well as your congregation's identity and customs. The Order of Service is provided as a starting point.
Including All Participants
Pay attention to the modulation of your voice throughout the opening, and particularly during the meditation. Make sure that your tone is gentle and meditative, but keep your volume high enough to be heard throughout the room. Note that some participants may need to keep their eyes open during the meditation in order to understand your words.
ACTIVITY 1: CHECK-IN (10 MINUTES)
Description of Activity
Invite participants to take turns briefly sharing insights they have had since the previous workshop on generosity. Ask whether couples have noticed anything new about the way they relate to each other.
If desired, you can move this activity along briskly by asking participants to limit themselves to one-sentence comments.
Once you feel participants know each other well enough, you may wish to offer an alternative check-in that is more meaningful to the group.
Including All Participants
Pay attention to participants' volume, and ask those who speak softly to speak louder.
ACTIVITY 2: THE ART OF CONNECTION (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Introduce the concept of connection using these or similar words:
Psychology describes at least four dimensions of human experience: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Couples can feel connection in any and all of these areas. They can work to maintain and enhance their physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections.
Sometimes our sense of connection can best be expressed in ways that have nothing to do with words. The way partners treat each other, the activities they enjoy together, and their shared goals or spirituality may say more about their relationship than an entire volume of love poetry or romantic stories.
Invite couples to sit together at the tables. Distribute one or two pieces of drawing paper to each couple, and let them select drawing implements. Explain:
You are going to make a drawing together. Here's how: One partner will think of an activity or situation that helps you two connect. Without saying anything, that partner will draw one element of the activity or situation. For example, if you enjoy the conversations you have while walking the dog together, you might draw just the dog or just one person walking.
When the first partner finishes drawing that one element, the second partner will draw another element — without asking what the first partner intended the picture to show.
You must complete the activity in silence. Words are not allowed — nothing written, signed, or spoken. The communication must happen entirely through the drawing.
Continue taking turns drawing one element at a time. It's okay if one partner doesn't understand what the other intended to draw. For example, if the first partner drew a dog, the second partner may think it's a horse and draw a saddle to represent horseback riding together. That's okay. Just keep going, without speaking, and see what your drawing becomes.
Allow the participants to draw for about ten minutes. Then invite partners to spend a few minutes talking with one another about the connections they were attempting to illustrate.
After allowing a suitable length of time for partner discussions, re-gather the large group. Invite volunteer couples to share some of the hits and misses they experienced in the activity. Ask:
Including All Participants
Encourage couples to adapt this activity to work with each partner's physical abilities.
ACTIVITY 3: CONNECTING FROM THE HEART (35 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
This activity allows couples to take turns questioning each other to reach the heart of what makes them feel connected to each other. To create a sense of privacy, you may want to play background music or suggest that the couples spread out around the meeting space.
Explain that in this activity, one partner in each couple will ask a set of predetermined questions while the other partner responds. Display the sheet of newsprint you prepared in advance, and draw participants' attention to the three questions:
Point out that each question invites the responder to look deeper inside to explore new levels of understanding. Explain that the questioner will pose the first question, wait for an answer, and then ask the second question. After receiving an answer to the second question, the questioner asks the third. She/he will then continue asking the third question until the responding partner expresses satisfaction that the core emotion behind the feeling of connection has been identified.
Advise the couples not to assume they know where the answers are headed. The questioner should listen actively, using an encouraging tone of voice, so that the partner feels welcome to search deeper.
After ten minutes, ask the partners to switch roles and repeat the process.
After both partners have taken a ten-minute turn responding to the questions, re-gather the large group. Invite participants to share their feelings about the activity. Ask:
ACTIVITY 4: STRENGTHENING YOUR SOCIAL WEB (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Offer these words of focus for the activity:
At the start of a romantic relationship, it is not unusual for couples to enjoy tuning out the rest of the world. They may be almost completely focused on each other as they get to know each other and revel in their new love.
But sustained relationships are often strengthened when partners have close friends and family in their lives. Through these connections, couples benefit from the wisdom, enthusiasm, experience, and support of others. Care and closeness with others can be especially helpful in times of illness, financial struggle, or loss.
Not all relationships with family and friends are healthy and satisfying. However, a couple benefits by building those relationships that are positive forces in their lives.
Ask participants to call out some of the ways in which they connect with family, friends, and others outside of their romantic partnership. List their responses on newsprint. For example, they might mention family holiday celebrations; helping family, friends, or neighbors with chores; taking a class; entertaining guests; doing volunteer work; participating in a special interest group; developing friendships in the workplace; and so on.
Invite the group to reflect on the list. Ask:
Invite participants to pair up with their partners and spend ten minutes discussing their emotional involvement with friends and family. Display the sheet of newsprint you prepared earlier, and ask participants to consider these questions:
ACTIVITY 5: FINDING YOUR THREAD IN THE INTERDEPENDENT WEB (15 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite participants to form a circle. Explain the activity using these or similar words:
I'm going to hold on to the loose end of the yarn and toss the ball to someone across the circle. As I do, I'll name a way that I feel connected to that person.
Demonstrate the action described above. Invite the recipient to follow suit:
Now it's your turn. Hold on to the strand of yarn while you toss the ball to a new person. As you do, name a way that you feel connected to that person.
Encourage participants to continue the process until everyone is holding on to part of the "web."
When everyone is included in the web, invite participants to raise the web above their heads to see its beauty. Ask them to pull backward gently to feel its strength.
While continuing to hold on to the web, invite participants to describe the beauty and the strength they have found in interdependence — not only interdependence with other individuals, but also with humanity as a whole, animals, and the natural world.
Pass around scissors so that participants may each take home a piece of the web as a memento of their connections within this community.
Including All Participants
Invite the group's creativity in making this activity accessible for all participants, regardless of ability.
CLOSING (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Summarize the workshop and its focus on connection. Invite participants to share their feelings about this concept. Ask:
Distribute the Taking It Home handout you have prepared.
If you will be using Alternate Activity 2 in Workshop 7, invite participants to bring favorite toys or games (theirs or their children's) to the next session. Explain that they will have an opportunity to briefly demonstrate or talk about the items they bring.
Gather participants around the chalice. Invite each person to offer one thought or insight about feeling connected or about this workshop.
As you extinguish the chalice, read the following closing words:
May our efforts here fuel the fires of connection in this world. May our individual efforts take us one step closer to creating a world of inherent worth and dignity for every person, beginning right here with our partners. Blessed be; may it be so; amen.
LEADER REFLECTION AND PLANNING
With your co-leader, take some time after the workshop to evaluate the session and plan for future sessions. Consider these questions:
Assign tasks for the next workshop, such as gathering materials and printing or photocopying handouts. Decide who will lead each section of the next workshop.
TAKING IT HOME
Affection Connection — Connection
Remaining physically and emotionally connected can be a challenge when a relationship includes conflicting demands on each partner's time and attention. It is not uncommon for couples to end a week feeling as though they've hardly seen each other, let alone experienced a profound sense of connection. These activities will enable you to explore ways of staying connected, even when you are apart by virtue of distance or distractions.
For Individuals: Reflecting on Connections
Spend some time writing whatever comes to mind to complete these thoughts:
For Couples: Staying Connected
Together, write down some ideas for creating and maintaining connection. Encourage each other to be open-minded and respectful of boundaries.
When distance is involved, some ideas to consider include:
When distractions are an issue, consider:
After brainstorming a list, consider whether each idea will realistically suit your personalities, tastes, and lifestyle. Remove from your list any ideas that are not mutually agreeable.
When your list feels complete, select one or two ideas and set a goal for the coming week. At the week's end, review your goal. Discuss what made achieving it possible or what got in the way of achieving it. Set another goal for the next week.
For Couples with Children: Family Connections
Have a family discussion to brainstorm ideas for creating and maintaining connections with one another. Make sure everyone gets a chance to give at least one idea. After generating a list, select two or three ideas that will realistically suit your personalities, tastes, and lifestyle. Set a timetable for when and how you might begin to carry them out.
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 1: FAITH IN ACTION — SOCIAL JUSTICE (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
This activity is designed to broaden the discussion of "connection" to encompass social justice.
Distribute writing paper and pens or pencils. Display the list of questions that you prepared in advance. Invite participants to spend some time silently reflecting on these questions and writing responses to them. You may wish to give them some examples, such as:
After allowing ten minutes for solo reflection, invite participants to re-gather in the large group for discussion. Acknowledge that some individuals and couples are more active in working for social justice than others, and that is all right.
Invite discussion by asking:
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 2: FOUR DIMENSIONS OF CONNECTION (30 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Description of Activity
Ask participants to recall the opening meditation, in which they envisioned themselves connecting with their partners. Invite them to call out one word that describes how that connection makes them feel. Quickly list the responses on newsprint. After a variety of words have been suggested, post the list on the wall.
Introduce the next exercise with these or similar words:
Psychologists describe at least four dimensions of human experience: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Couples can feel connection in any and all of these areas. In this activity, we will identify some concrete ways in which couples can develop connection in each area.
Across the top of a sheet of newsprint, write the terms "Physical," "Emotional," "Intellectual," and "Spiritual." Invite participants to think of ways that each of these types of connections can be sustained or enhanced. Begin by asking:
Write participants' responses under "Physical."
Repeat this process for the other three terms. Some repetition may occur — for example, one person might list sexual activity under physical, but another person might consider sexual activity a way to express an emotional connection.
After participants have suggested ideas for all four categories, post the list on the wall. Invite participants to consider whether any of the activities listed are, or could become, part of their personal "connection toolbox." Suggest that they jot down their favorite ideas for later use. Mention that the Taking It Home "Affection Connection" activities will give them further opportunities to explore these issues.
Introduce the next discussion topic with these or similar words:
Each couple needs a different amount of connection to feel satisfied. Within couples, partners may have different needs. One partner may enjoy reaching out to the other by phone several times a day, while the other partner may find that frequency bothersome.
Ask:
Write responses on newsprint. Examples might include frequency of sexual intimacy, need for private time, interest in athletic activities, desire to travel, and so on.
Encourage further discussion by asking:
Encourage participants to observe their own behavior during the coming week and to note any occasions when they felt the need for either more connection or less. They may find it enlightening to share their observations with each other at the end of the week.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 6:
LEADER RESOURCE 1: ORDER OF SERVICE — CONNECTION
Follow this Order of Service as you lead the opening of Workshop 6, Connection.
Welcome
Chalice Lighting
Principle
Guided Meditation
Reading
Welcome
Welcome participants. Explain that this workshop is devoted to the concept of connection. Participants will explore how connections are established, the function of connection within a relationship, and how a sense of connection can be strengthened.
Chalice Lighting
Light the chalice while reading the following words:
We light this chalice as a symbol of our faith: to seek truth and honesty, to build respect, and to foster greater connection among all people, beginning with ourselves. May we dedicate our time together to these purposes.
Principle
Introduce the guiding Unitarian Universalist Principle for this workshop:
We covenant to affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
Connection is that deep sense of knowing another person, which gives us the confidence to live in the world as part of a couple. The way we, as partners, communicate with one another — physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually — reflects how we value our interdependent web. So does the way we connect with others. Further, all of our actions and attitudes as partners are shaped by an interdependent web of family, friends, environment, community, and world.
Guided Meditation
Lead participants through the following guided meditation to center them for the rest of the workshop. Read the words slowly, pausing between phrases.
I invite you into a time of silence. Try to sit with your spine straight, with your feet flat on the floor. Perhaps close your eyes. Take a deep breath, inhale . . . and exhale. Take another deep breath . . . and exhale. Again; this time, as you exhale, let go of all the pressures of the day. Let go of the "to dos," the "should haves". . . just let them float out of the room. You can return to them later. Take another deep breath. As you inhale, take in the energy of this place. As you exhale, let go of any tension or stress you might be feeling.
[Long pause]
Come into this place of connection. Envision yourself connecting with your partner. It is a gift you are giving each other. What does it feel like? What does it look like?
[Sit in silence for two to three minutes.]
Please maintain this spirit as I read the poem.
Reading
Read "Connections Are Made Slowly" by Marge Piercy, 568 in Singing the Living Tradition.
Sit in silence for a few moments before saying:
When you are ready, please bring your focus back into this room and join our check-in.
FIND OUT MORE
Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press, 1999.
Kellerman, Lois, and Nelly Bly. Marriage from the Heart: Eight Commitments of a Spiritually Fulfilling Life Together. Penguin Compass, 2002.