PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT
A Tapestry of Faith Program for Adults
WORKSHOP 4: DIGNITY
BY MELANIE J. DAVIS STEPHANIE HAYMAKER, PH.D. CRAIG HIRSHBERG, M.DIV. RICHARD BELLINGHAM, ED.D.
© Copyright 2008 Unitarian Universalist Association.
Published to the Web on 9/29/2014 9:01:06 PM PST.
This program and additional resources are available on the UUA.org web site at
www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith.
WORKSHOP OVERVIEW
INTRODUCTION
Love, the fruit of honoring, is reached through the continuing courage to leap into one another's arms. It feels risky to do this at times — in new relationships, for example, or when we feel ourselves changing. Committing to honoring takes stamina and vision. But without the love that honoring creates, the world itself cannot hang together.
— Lois Kellerman and Nelly Bly, Marriage from the Heart
Source: Marriage from the Heart, by Kellerman and Bly, p. 95.
As Unitarian Universalists, we participate in congregations that covenant to affirm and promote "the inherent worth and dignity of every person." What, then, does it mean to affirm and promote dignity, particularly in our romantic relationships? Dignity is defined as "the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed" (Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). How in our relationships do we show one another, and ourselves, that we are worthy? Do our words and actions honor our partners and honor ourselves? Do we show each other the conscientiousness and consideration we would show someone we hold in great esteem? This workshop explores the concept of dignity in relationships, considering the roles of loving actions, relationship rights, and longevity of commitment in upholding dignity.
Guiding Unitarian Universalist Principle
First Principle: The inherent worth and dignity of every person
Relating with dignity means that partners are respectful and worthy of respect. Mutual dignity creates a safe atmosphere in which choices and difficulties can be honestly discussed and resolved. In promoting both partners' ability to express themselves freely, openly, and lovingly, a couple affirms their inherent worth.
Considerations for Adaptation
The Taking it Home activity "Seeing the Sacred in Each Other" can be transformed into an in-class craft project. If you are conducting this workshop as part of a retreat, the shift to a craft activity could be a welcome break from discussion. Be sure to plan accordingly to acquire the supplies involved.
Three of the alternate activities emphasize communication skills. You may choose to use these in place of (or in addition to) other activities if your group is seeking skill-building opportunities in the Principled Commitment program.
GOALS
This workshop will:
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
WORKSHOP-AT-A-GLANCE
Activity | Minutes |
Welcoming and Entering | |
Opening | 10 |
Activity 1: Check-in | 10 |
Activity 2: Defining Dignity | 10 |
Activity 3: Treat Me with Dignity | 30 |
Activity 4: Rights in Relationship | 30 |
Activity 5: Helping Your Relationship Age with Dignity | 20 |
Closing | 10 |
Alternate Activity 1: Faith in Action — Service Project Update | 15 |
Alternate Activity 2: Skills for Communicating Dignity — Empathy | 20 |
Alternate Activity 3: Skills for Communicating Dignity — Respect | 10 |
Alternate Activity 4: Skills for Communicating Dignity — Managing Expectations | 20 |
SPIRITUAL PREPARATION
Before leading this workshop, set aside some time for personal reflection or journal writing. After centering yourself, consider the guiding Principle for this session, "The inherent worth and dignity of every person." How do you live this Principle in your daily life and relationships?
If you wish to reflect on this question further, consider: How do you make others feel they are worthy or honored? How do you know when someone respects your worth and dignity? What spiritual beliefs or practices help you celebrate your own and others' dignity?
WORKSHOP PLAN
WELCOMING AND ENTERING
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
As participants enter, invite them to sign in, create name tags, and pick up a schedule for the workshop series if they have not already done so. Direct their attention to the agenda for this workshop.
OPENING (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Refer to Leader Resource 1, Order of Service — Dignity, to conduct the opening. You may adapt the service to fit with your group's interest as well as your congregation's identity and customs. The Order of Service is provided as a starting point.
Including All Participants
Pay attention to the modulation of your voice throughout the opening, and particularly during the meditation. Make sure that your tone is gentle and meditative, but keep your volume high enough to be heard throughout the room. Note that some participants may need to keep their eyes open during the meditation in order to understand your words.
ACTIVITY 1: CHECK-IN (10 MINUTES)
Description of Activity
Invite participants to take turns briefly sharing insights they have had since the previous workshop on trust. Ask whether they have found ways to use communication skills to build trust in their relationships.
If desired, you can move the check-in along briskly by asking participants to limit themselves to one-sentence comments.
Once you feel participants know each other well enough, you may wish to offer an alternative check-in that is more meaningful to the group.
ACTIVITY 2: DEFINING DIGNITY (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Description of Activity
Ask participants to recall the guided meditation from the opening — specifically, the invitation to envision being treated with dignity. Invite volunteers to call out one word that describes how that experience made them feel. Quickly list their responses on newsprint. No discussion is necessary.
After a variety of responses have been offered, post the list on the wall. Invite participants to consider what the word "dignity" means.
Offer the following points in your own words:
One definition of dignity is the quality or state of worth, respect, honor, or esteem. In terms of relationships, dignity may mean respecting the rights of your partner. It may mean valuing differences in behavior and style. It may mean ensuring that neither partner is humiliated within the context of the relationship.
Dignity may also mean respecting and valuing yourself. In a relationship based on mutual dignity, both partners are worthy, honored, respected, and esteemed.
Dignity is something we may not be conscious of until it is absent — when language or behavior violates dignity.
Relationships can be strengthened by consciously embracing and increasing dignity. When partners treat each other with dignity, they both gain a sense of security. They build the confidence, safety, and trust they need to flourish and grow individually and as a couple.
ACTIVITY 3: TREAT ME WITH DIGNITY (30 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Introduce the activity by emphasizing the connection between a feeling of dignity in a relationship and our actions within a relationship. Then ask:
Invite participants to respond by sharing examples of behaviors that show respect for others. List responses on the blank newsprint. Keep the brainstorm brisk and under five minutes in duration. Examples might include:
Invite participants to pair up with their partners. Explain the next part of the activity with these or similar words:
Now you will take turns as speakers and listeners. The listener's role is to listen without comment. The speaker will have five minutes to respond to this question: Thinking about your relationship, when have you felt especially honored and respected by your partner? Share specific incidents, attitudes, or habits that you see as contributing to a feeling of dignity in the relationship.
After five minutes, ring the bell or chime and ask the partners to switch roles. While they continue sharing, post the sheet of questions that you prepared before the workshop.
After another five minutes, ring the bell or chime again. Invite partners to spend five minutes in a two-way discussion on the questions that you posted:
After five minutes, reassemble the large group. Ask:
ACTIVITY 4: RIGHTS IN RELATIONSHIP (30 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite participants to pair up with their partners. Distribute writing paper and pens or pencils. Introduce the activity using these or similar words:
The concepts of human rights and human dignity go hand in hand. The United States Bill of Rights and the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights are statements of how a government ought to respect its citizens and preserve their dignity. Movements that fight for civil and human rights often do so to protect the dignity of people who have been marginalized and oppressed.
What rights do you want to affirm in your relationship — rights that can help each of you uphold one another's worth and dignity? Some examples might be the right to ask for help, the right to say no, the right to honest communication, the right to build friendships . . . the list goes on.
I invite you to work with your partner to generate a list of rights for your relationship. These can be rights you already affirm, consciously or unconsciously. They can also be rights you'd like to establish for the future. Your list of rights can be helpful down the road as you develop your couple covenants.
If you've printed the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, show participants where they can find a copy for their reference.
After twenty minutes of work in couples, ask the group to re-gather. Discuss with participants:
Encourage couples to continue discussing rights in the coming weeks, especially if they found some controversies in their discussion. Talking about these controversies can be fruitful and helpful in developing a shared understanding of the relationship.
ACTIVITY 5: HELPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AGE WITH DIGNITY (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Description of Activity
Introduce the activity with these or similar words:
It's easy to see why we would want to be honored, respected, and treated with dignity. In the early phases of a relationship, partners may put a great deal of emphasis on doing so. But as relationships mature, is it natural for honor and esteem to be replaced by a pattern of taking each other for granted?
Invite participants to give examples of ways partners may come to take each other for granted. As a group, come up with some ideas for reversing those patterns of behavior and encouraging mutual honor and dignity. Record ideas on newsprint, if desired.
CLOSING (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Ask participants whether they have any questions about the ideas or skills discussed in this workshop. As the leader, you may not be able to answer every question, so encourage participants to continue exploring these ideas as individuals and couples.
If you are thinking of conducting the ritual in Workshop 5 that includes fire, ask if any participants have a strong sensitivity to smoke.
Distribute the Taking it Home handout you have prepared.
Gather participants around the chalice. Invite each person to offer one thought or insight about dignity or this workshop.
As you extinguish the chalice, read these closing words:
May our efforts here fuel the fires of connection in this world. May our individual efforts take us one step closer to creating a world of inherent worth and dignity for every person, beginning right here with our partners. Blessed be; may it be so; amen.
LEADER REFLECTION AND PLANNING
With your co-leader, take some time after the workshop to evaluate the session and plan for future sessions. Consider these questions:
Review and assign tasks for the next workshop, such as gathering materials and printing or photocopying handouts. Decide who will lead each section of the next workshop.
TAKING IT HOME
Affection Connection — Dignity
Extend your exploration of dignity by trying this activity on your own.
Seeing the Sacred in Each Other
Centering deeply on that which you hold sacred in one another can be an important step in honoring both the individuals and the partnership. In this activity, you are invited to meditate on all that is holy in your partner, create a small representation to honor him/her, and share that representation in a loving and sacred way.
Each of you will need a small box and a variety of art materials, such as beautiful ribbons, small stones, glue, paint, or other items.
Sit quietly and think about your partner. Imagine your partner in unpolished moments, when she/he is genuinely his/her imperfect self. Think about all that is holy and sacred about your partner. Think of the whole and of small details, and hold those feelings, images, and memories lovingly. Think of how sacred and intimate an act it is to let oneself be seen and known by another.
Now take a small box and decorate it to honor your beloved partner. Use the art materials to represent the images, details, and ideas you generated during the meditation. You may wish to layer art materials, to use the inside of the box to house more private ideas, and to add to your creation as you think more deeply about your partner.
When your boxes are complete, share them with each other.
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 1: FAITH IN ACTION — SERVICE PROJECT UPDATE (15 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Discuss what has been accomplished and what needs to be accomplished for your group to participate in its service project. Ask:
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 2: SKILLS FOR COMMUNICATING DIGNITY — EMPATHY (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Define and describe empathy so that participants operate from a shared understanding:
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines empathy as an "understanding so intimate that the feelings, thoughts, and motives of one are readily comprehended by another."
To empathize with others can be figuratively described as "walking in their shoes" or "crawling into their skin." It means seeing what a situation looks like and feels like from the other person's perspective.
Ask participants:
As part of the discussion of the last question, you may wish to make the following points in your own words:
The ability to be empathetic builds more positive relationships. It can also defuse potentially negative situations. Partners with empathy deal more constructively with feelings of anger, fear, confusion, sadness, or hurt —their own or their partner's.
Introduce the skills-based portion of this activity with these or similar words:
When we listen empathetically, we listen for both content and feeling. The content is the message being communicated. The feeling is the emotion being experienced. For example, if your partner says "I'm fine," but she looks sad and her voice sounds sad, you might conclude that she's sad and treat her as such.
Invite participants to reflect on times when they have observed conflicting words and feelings. Ask participants:
Share with participants:
A helpful way to listen to both parts of the message involves asking yourself, "Given what I have heard and seen, what is my partner telling me? Why is this significant?" Then ask yourself, "How does that seem to make my partner feel?"
Remember, each person's reactions and responses are unique, even in similar situations. By thinking through these questions first, your response may be more empathetic than if you had blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Use Leader Resource 2, Empathy Role-Play, to present a demonstration of listening with empathy. Co-leaders can play the two roles, or you can select volunteers from the group.
After the presentation, ask participants:
If time allows, ask participants to pair up with their partner and take turns practicing empathetic responses to concerns each partner is facing with work, children, or extended family relationships.
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 3: SKILLS FOR COMMUNICATING DIGNITY — RESPECT (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Description of Activity
Introduce the activity with these or similar words:
The educator Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot writes:
Respect is a circle. It is about symmetry. It's about reciprocity. Even if there are differences in knowledge and status and power and resources and skills, respect is a great equalizer. It is the ways in which we can be symmetric with one another, and it comes again through this sense of connection in relationships.
A central dimension of being respectful to another person is being genuinely curious about who the person is, what the person is about, and what the person's dreams and fears are. It's a matter of wanting to know how others think and feel. Respect requires a special kind of sensitivity. It involves treating others civilly and courteously, accepting personal differences, listening to what others have to say, and refraining from ridicule.
Invite participants to think about respectful people. Ask:
Record responses on newsprint. As needed, you may add that respectful people:
Conclude the activity by inviting participants to discuss:
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 4: SKILLS FOR COMMUNICATING DIGNITY — MANAGING EXPECTATIONS (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Introduce the activity with these or similar words:
Every partner in a relationship has expectations. Any of these expectations may seem reasonable or unreasonable to the other partner. Mismatched expectations can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. By learning to identify and influence expectations, partners can dramatically improve the quality of their relationship.
Tell participants that the process of managing expectations involves several important steps. One at a time, write each step on newsprint and explain it in your own words, using the descriptions below as a guide. Invite comments after explaining each step.
1. Identify communication preferences.
Some people like to process (think through and discuss) everything out loud. Others prefer to process on their own while exercising or cleaning the house. Some like to communicate immediately after an event. Others need time to think things through on their own first. Determine your and your partner's preferences and make an effort to respect them.
2. Understand your partner's history and circumstances.
Everyone's background is unique. Some people are used to a great deal of attention and enthusiasm with even simple communications, like greetings and goodbyes. Others see these communications as a routine matter. It's helpful to recognize that these preferences are often rooted in past relationships with family members or previous partners.
3. Clarify perceptions.
Never assume that you understand how your partner perceives an event or interaction. Clarify perceptions so that undercurrents of emotions don't rise up into a huge wave later.
Distribute writing paper and pens or pencils. Invite participants to think about a recent situation in which their expectations weren't met, or in which they were unable or unwilling to meet their partner's expectations. Ask them to spend a few minutes writing about this situation, including their thoughts, feelings, and ideas about how both partners might have managed expectations more effectively.
Invite participants to discuss this question to summarize the activity:
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 4:
LEADER RESOURCE 1: ORDER OF SERVICE — DIGNITY
Follow this Order of Service for the opening of Workshop 4, Dignity.
Welcome
Chalice Lighting
Principle
Guided Meditation
Reading
Welcome
Welcome participants. Explain that this workshop is devoted to the concept of dignity. Participants will explore their own definitions of dignity and consider dignity in the context of the inherent rights it bestows on partners in a relationship.
Chalice Lighting
Light the chalice while reading the following words or words of your own choosing:
We light this chalice as a symbol of our faith: to seek truth and honesty, to build respect, and to foster greater trust among all people, beginning with ourselves. May we dedicate our time together to these purposes.
Principle
Introduce the guiding Unitarian Universalist principle for this workshop:
We covenant to affirm and promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person.
Relating with dignity means partners are respectful and worthy of respect. Mutual dignity creates a safe atmosphere in which choices and difficulties can be honestly discussed and resolved. In promoting each partner's free, open, and loving self-expression, a couple affirms one another's inherent worth.
Guided Meditation
Lead participants through the following guided meditation to center them for the rest of the workshop. Read the words slowly, pausing between phrases.
I invite you into a time of silence. Try to sit with your spine straight, with your feet flat on the floor. Perhaps close your eyes. Take a deep breath, inhale . . . and exhale. Take another deep breath . . . and exhale. Again; this time, as you exhale, let go of all the pressures of the day. Let go of the "to dos," the "should haves" . . . just let them float out of the room. You can return to them later. Take another deep breath. As you inhale, take in the energy of this place. As you exhale, let go of any tension or stress you might be feeling.
[Long pause]
Come into this place where dignity is honored. Envision yourself being treated with dignity by your partner. It is a gift you are giving each other. What does it feel like? What does it look like?
[Sit in silence for two to three minutes.]
Please maintain this spirit during the reading.
Reading
Read "We Need One Another" by George E. Odell, 468 in Singing the Living Tradition. It may be read by an individual or the group.
Sit in silence for a few moments before saying:
When you are ready, please bring your focus back into this room and join our check-in.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 4:
LEADER RESOURCE 2: EMPATHY ROLE-PLAY
Perform the skit twice. The first time, partner B will read only his/her dialogue, omitting the words in parentheses. The second time, partner B will read the words in parentheses to identify the different parts of his/her response.
Partner A [frustrated; talking about a co-worker]:
It won't do any good to talk to him; he doesn't listen to anybody. He's going to do what he wants to do. What I say won't make a bit of difference.
Partner B [with compassion in the voice]:
You don't think you'll be heard. (response to content) It sounds like you're feeling hopeless and don't believe you'll be able to change things. (response to feeling)
FIND OUT MORE
Lawrence-Lightfoot, Sara. Respect: An Exploration. Perseus Books, 1999.