PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT
A Tapestry of Faith Program for Adults
WORKSHOP 10: LOVE
BY MELANIE J. DAVIS STEPHANIE HAYMAKER, PH.D. CRAIG HIRSHBERG, M.DIV. RICHARD BELLINGHAM, ED.D.
© Copyright 2008 Unitarian Universalist Association.
Published to the Web on 9/29/2014 9:06:33 PM PST.
This program and additional resources are available on the UUA.org web site at
www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith.
WORKSHOP OVERVIEW
INTRODUCTION
Love is an action, never simply a feeling.
— bell hooks (sic), contemporary author, professor, and activist
Quote from hooks's book All About Love. Her name is properly spelled in all lowercase.
Love is the essence of our most meaningful relationships. It is the glue that maintains a couple's connection. Love is nourishment of our soul, and love is the compassion we take with us as we live our lives on a daily basis.
Guiding Unitarian Universalist Principles
All Seven Principles
The transformative power of love underpins every Unitarian Universalist Principle. It is also the foundation for a healthy individual, a healthy couple, and a healthy community. Love can be seen as the source of meaning and as the expression of faith in human relationships. The Greeks identified three types of love: Eros, the passionate love between lovers; Philos, the love among close friends; and Agape, the love for the greater society or greater good. The manifestation of all three forms of love can help a healthy relationship grow. Remembering how to love, and acknowledging the need to give and to receive love, is the basis for all affirmative human relationships. Love can transform a hurting world.
Considerations for Adaptation
If you are leading this workshop as part of a retreat, or if your group appreciates hands-on crafts, consider making time for Alternate Activity 2, Personal Mini-Altars. This activity dovetails nicely with the couple altar-building option in Workshop 11.
GOALS
This workshop will:
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Participants will:
WORKSHOP-AT-A-GLANCE
Activity | Minutes |
Welcoming and Entering | |
Opening | 10 |
Activity 1: Check-in | 10 |
Activity 2: How Do I Know I Am Loved? | 20 |
Activity 3: The Many Facets of Love | 35 |
Activity 4: Tender Points | 30 |
Closing | 15 |
Alternate Activity 1: Faith in Action — Articulating Our UU Faith | 25 |
Alternate Activity 2: Personal Mini-Altars | 45 |
SPIRITUAL PREPARATION
Take some time to complete and reflect upon Activity 4, Tender Points, on your own. If you are going to lead Alternate Activity 2, Personal Mini-Altars, consider creating your own personal altar to use as an example in the workshop.
WORKSHOP PLAN
WELCOMING AND ENTERING
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
As participants enter, invite them to sign in, create name tags, and pick up a schedule for the workshop series if they have not already done so. Direct their attention to the agenda for this workshop.
OPENING (10 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Refer to Leader Resource 1, Order of Service — Love, to conduct the opening. You may adapt the service to fit with your group's interest as well as your congregation's identity and customs. The Order of Service is provided as a starting point.
Including All Participants
Pay attention to the modulation of your voice throughout the opening, and particularly during the meditation. Make sure that your tone is gentle and meditative, but keep your volume high enough to be heard throughout the room. Note that some participants may need to keep their eyes open during the meditation in order to understand your words.
ACTIVITY 1: CHECK-IN (10 MINUTES)
Description of Activity
Invite participants to take turns briefly sharing insights they have had since the previous workshop on commitment. Ask:
If desired, you can move this activity along briskly by asking participants to limit themselves to a one-sentence comment.
You may wish to offer an alternative check-in that is more meaningful to the group.
ACTIVITY 2: HOW DO I KNOW I AM LOVED? (20 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Description of Activity
Ask participants to recall how they felt during the workshop opening's guided meditation, when they imagined themselves expressing love to their partner. Invite volunteers to call out one word or phrase that describes how that experience made them feel. Quickly list the responses on newsprint. There is no need for discussion. When a variety of responses have been listed, post the sheet on the wall.
Invite participants to pair up with someone other than their partner.
Offer these instructions:
I will give you a statement to discuss in your pairs. One of you will share your thoughts about this statement for two minutes while the other listens. Then you will switch speaking and listening roles.
After both of you have had a turn, I will invite each pair to share two of their ideas with the group. This is brainstorming, so all ideas are acceptable, and no discussion is needed. Ideas will be recorded on newsprint as they are spoken.
Once the group understands the instructions, write this statement on newsprint:
Invite participants to begin sharing their ideas. Clarify that heavy-duty answers are not needed. Rather, this is an opportunity to express the small, simple, daily things that let people know they are special in the eyes of one who loves them.
After two minutes, ring the bell or chime and invite participants to switch roles.
When four minutes are up, ask each pair to share two of the ways they filled in the blank. Record these ideas on newsprint. When finished, post the sheet on the wall.
Repeat the process with the next statement:
After ideas have been shared and posted on the wall, summarize the responses to both statements. Lead the group in discussion by asking:
Emphasize that what often helps fertilize the ground for the growth of a loving relationship is simple kindness and thoughtfulness.
Distribute Handout 1, Saying "I Love You" Without the Usual Words. Explain that it offers a few other ideas about how partners may show their appreciation to each other. If there is time, review the handout with participants and encourage them to add their favorite ideas from this exercise to the list.
ACTIVITY 3: THE MANY FACETS OF LOVE (35 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Focus the activity with these or similar words:
The ancient Greeks identified three types of love: Eros, the passionate love between lovers; Philos, the love among close friends; and Agape, the love for the greater society or greater good. The manifestation of all three forms of love can help a healthy relationship grow.
Remembering how to love, and acknowledging the need to give and to receive love, is the basis for all affirming human relationships. Love can transform a hurting world.
Often, when we think of being in a relationship, we think of only the romantic form of love. But truly healthy relationships exhibit all kinds of love — love for oneself, for children and family, for dear friends, romantic love and intimacy, and compassion for the greater world's needs.
Invite participants to reflect on the connections between love for self, partner, and others. Ask:
Display the newsprint sheet on which you drew the triangle diagram. Explain the triangle theory using these or similar words:
Contemporary psychologists have tried to define love, and it's difficult to do — there are many kinds of love and many expressions. A psychologist named Robert Sternberg created a model for understanding love: a "triangular theory."
This theory conceives of love as having three components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. They are represented by the three points of a triangle. Intimacy refers to feelings of close connection and bonding. Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual desire. Decision/commitment is about deciding to love someone and then committing to maintain that relationship.
In this diagram, the sides of the triangle are equal. But in our relationships, the three components of love are not always equal in strength. For example, love may be high in passion and intimacy but low on commitment. Or a relationship might be held together primarily by commitment and intimacy, while passion is low.
We can draw triangles of different shapes to represent relationships with different levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment. If intimacy is high, then the distance from the center to that point of the triangle is long. If passion is low, then the distance from the center to that point of the triangle is short.
In this model, the triangles can change shape over time, even in the same relationship. For example, in the beginning a relationship might be high in passion, low in intimacy, and low in commitment. Five years later, it might be high in commitment, high in intimacy, and low in passion. Ten years down the road, it might be high in commitment and passion but low in intimacy.
Couples often strive for "consummate love" — love that is high in all three areas. Consummate love is achieved from time to time, but it is hard to maintain. Stresses can decrease our passion. Overwhelming demands can decrease our intimacy. Events may cause us to think about the reasons for our commitment. Thus love, while constant, can change shape throughout a relationship.
Distribute Handout 2, The Triangular Theory of Love. Allow a few minutes for participants to review the triangles and descriptions of the components.
Display the newsprint sheet with the list of questions you prepared ahead of time. Invite participants to reflect individually on the shapes of their own relationship's triangle over time and on ways to increase or maintain the passion, intimacy, or commitment they offer the relationship.
After allowing about five minutes for reflection, re-gather participants. Ask:
ACTIVITY 4: TENDER POINTS (30 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
This exercise will help couples know, understand, and respect their partners' innermost dynamics and passions.
Share the following story from Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle:
There is a story of an elderly Hasidic rabbi, renowned for his piety. He was unexpectedly confronted one day by one of his devoted, youthful disciples. In a burst of feeling, the young disciple exclaimed, "My master, I love you." The ancient teacher looked up from his books and asked his fervent disciple, "Do you know what hurts me, my son?" The young man was puzzled. Composing himself, he stuttered, "I don't understand your question, Rabbi. I am trying to tell you how much you mean to me, and you confuse me with irrelevant questions." "My question was neither confusing nor irrelevant," rejoined the rabbi, "for if you do not know what hurts me, how can you truly love me?"
Distribute Handout 3, Tender Points, which has three concentric circles on it. Pass out self-adhesive dots, one sheet of each color for each participant. Have extra dots on hand.
Provide this background information to help participants understand the activity:
We all have tender points — issues that are sensitive or important to us and that stem from our innermost identities. Loving relationships include an understanding and knowledge of these points.
These tender points often come from our passion or fears. They may also reflect ethical expectations, pet peeves, or past hurts. They make us vulnerable, because these are the spots where we can be most easily hurt.
Yet these tender points can also be a connection to a deep and loving relationship. How a partner responds to these tender points can influence the degree of emotional connection and trust between two people. Partners need to know where to tread lightly, when to support, when to protect, and most importantly, how to hold a loved one's innermost feelings sacred.
In this activity, you will map your own tender points by identifying what is most vital, most sensitive, and most important to you.
Display the newsprint diagram of concentric circles. Label the outer circle "Living in the world." Offer this explanation:
When it comes to living in this world, what are your sensitive points? Where do you frequently get hurt, or fear getting hurt? What passion do you have that would cause hurt to you if it were not respected? Perhaps it is extended family, a time-consuming hobby, or focus on career or work. Perhaps it is a fear or a commitment. What are your tender points when living in the world?
Choose one color of dot for your "world" circle. Take a dot of the color, label it with a word describing one of your worldly tender points, and place it in the outer circle of your handout. Repeat with as many dots as needed, in the same color.
Allow a few minutes for participants to complete this task.
Next, label the middle circle "Living in loving relationship." Offer the following explanation:
Each person has tender points when it comes to loving another. What are the tender points within your human relationships? Where are the places you can most easily be hurt? What is most important to you as you live day to day in a loving relationship? Examples might include use of time, kids, parents, partner's lifestyle, cooperation or competition, money, sex, and housework. What is important? What is sacred to you?
Choose a dot of a different color, label it with one of your relationship tender points, and place it in the middle circle of your handout. Repeat with as many dots as needed, in the same color.
Allow a few minutes for participants to complete this task.
Next, label the center circle "Self." Offer the following explanation:
Each of us has many personal tender points that shape and motivate us. What would you list as your personal tender points — the places where you need to learn to be gentle with yourself? Some examples might include insecurities, fears, dreams, needs, spiritual life, or whatever else is important to the makeup of your being. What does your partner need to know about you as an individual to truly understand who you are?
Using a third color, label a dot with one of your personal tender points and place it in the inner circle on your handout. Repeat with as many dots as needed, in the same color.
After allowing them a few minutes to complete this task, invite participants to pair up with their partners and share the most tender points they have identified. Allow up to ten minutes for sharing. If time runs out, either remind everyone that this conversation can be continued at home or simply allow for more conversation.
When the group finishes, display the newsprint sheet on which you wrote the guidelines from Leader Resource 2. Invite participants to read the points in unison. If time remains, invite comments and questions.
CLOSING (15 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Summarize the workshop and its focus on love. Ask whether any participants have questions or comments about the workshop's theme or discussions.
Distribute the Taking It Home handout you have prepared. Explain that this workshop's "Affection Connection" activity is particularly important — it will help couples write their covenants for the final workshop. Remind couples to bring their covenants to the next session. Emphasize that they will be sharing their covenants with the other participants.
You may want to take a few minutes to discuss the form of the next workshop's celebration, which can range from sharing a simple snack to a potluck dinner at someone's home. Participants may be invited to plan the celebration among themselves, using the contact sheet provided at the start of the program.
Gather participants around the chalice. Invite each person to offer one thought or insight about love or this workshop.
If you wish, read the following words by Mother Theresa:
Love cannot remain by itself — it has no meaning.
Love has to be put into action,
and that action is service.
Whatever form we are,
able or disabled, rich or poor,
it is not how much we do,
but how much love we put in the doing,
a lifelong sharing of love with others.
As you extinguish the chalice, read the following closing words:
May our efforts here fuel the fires of connection in this world. May our individual efforts take us one step closer to creating a world of inherent worth and dignity for every person, beginning right here with our partners. Blessed be; may it be so; amen.
LEADER REFLECTION AND PLANNING
With your co-leader, take some time after the workshop to evaluate the session and plan for the final session. Consider these questions:
Review and assign tasks for the next workshop, such as gathering materials and printing or photocopying handouts. Decide who will lead each section of the next workshop. Workshop 11 involves a celebration, which may require more time than usual, plus refreshments and decorations. An altar-making craft activity may also be part of the workshop. Be sure to have a plan in place.
TAKING IT HOME
Affection Connection — Love
Extend your exploration of love by trying this activity on your own.
For Couples: Couple Covenant
Take some time together to work on your couple covenant. You are encouraged to refer to your work from earlier workshops.
If you need some prompts to develop your covenant, you can fill in these blanks, or you can use a form of your own.
We will bring a spirit of ________________________________ to the way we relate.
We will try _______________________________________________________.
We will know ____________________________________________________.
We will strive to balance ____________________________________________.
We will show each other ____________________________________________.
We will help each other do/feel/be_____________________________________.
We affirm and promote ____________________________ in our relationship.
Be ready to share your covenant with the other participants at the next workshop.
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 1: FAITH IN ACTION — ARTICULATING OUR UU FAITH (25 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Many Unitarian Universalists have difficulty describing their faith tradition to people who are unfamiliar with it. This activity engages participants in describing our faith in meaningful ways. With the words of a variety of participants, the group will have a few more ideas in their toolbox when explaining Unitarian Universalism to others.
Invite participants to create small groups of two to three couples each. Give each group a pen or pencil and a copy of Handout 4, Who Are Unitarian Universalists? Invite participants to discuss the questions, with one member of the group recording responses on the handout.
After 15 minutes, re-gather the larger group. Ask participants to share their responses to each question as you take notes on newsprint. Ask the group what phrases or words are particularly illustrative of our faith tradition. Can they be helpful in articulating our faith?
ALTERNATE ACTIVITY 2: PERSONAL MINI-ALTARS (45 MINUTES)
Materials for Activity
Preparation for Activity
Description of Activity
Invite participants to sit at the tables. Give each participant one of the small tins. Explain the activity using these or similar words:
You will now have the opportunity to create small personal altars. These altars will incorporate symbols and words that you choose in order to remind yourself of the important things you have learned about yourself in these Principled Commitment workshops. You can choose what you would like to reflect in your small altar. It might be an insight, a source of personal strength you have tapped into, or something you learned and want to remember. The altar you build can be used along with a tea light candle to inspire personal reflection, meditation, or prayer in support of personal integrity and your relationship.
I'll begin by giving you some questions to reflect on silently. Then I will invite you to begin decorating your tin to create your personal altar. You might cut out small images and words from magazines and glue them to the tin. You can also decorate your tin with fabric, tissue paper, beads, sequins, or any other craft materials you choose.
Your tin doesn't have to be a "work of art." The goal is simply to use your creativity to express what you want to be reminded of.
When everyone understands the activity, display the newsprint sheet with the list of questions from Leader Resource 3. Invite participants to spend a few minutes reflecting on these questions. You may wish to begin playing soft music in the background.
After several minutes, invite participants to begin creating their altars.
When the participants have finished, invite them to place their altars in a circle on a table. Allow time for group viewing in silence.
Explain that these personal mini-altars can be used with a larger altar that couples will create together in the next workshop.
Allow time for the glue to dry before participants take their altars home. If you have obtained a spray-on clear coating, participants may choose to apply it to their altar in order to create a smooth, protective finish.
Including All Participants
Conducting this activity in a well-ventilated room is better for everyone's health. Some participants might be more sensitive than others to the chemicals in the craft products. Arrange the room so that participants can distance themselves from any "smelly" products if they need to, or provide distance between smelly products and participants by creating a station in a separate room for glue and spray-on coating.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
HANDOUT 1: SAYING "I LOVE YOU" WITHOUT THE USUAL WORDS
Other ideas:
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
HANDOUT 2: THE TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE
In his essay "Triangulating Love," Robert J. Sternberg, professor of psychology at Tufts University, describes love in a way that may be particularly helpful to Principled Commitment participants. His triangular theory of love focuses not on the reasons for love, but on how love relationships can be described in terms of three components: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment.
Passion
Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation in a loving relationship. Although sexual needs form the main part of passion in many relationships, other needs may also contribute to the experience of passion. These can include needs for self-esteem, affiliation with others, dominance over others, submission to others, and self-actualization.
Intimacy
Intimacy refers to close, connected, and bonded feelings in loving relationships. Sternberg and S. Grajeck have written an article called "The Nature of Love," in which they identify ten signs of intimacy in a close relationship:
Decision/Commitment
The "decision/commitment" component has both short-term and long-term aspects. In the short term, a person decides that he/she loves someone. In the long term, a person commits to maintaining that love. These two aspects do not necessarily go together, for a decision to love does not necessarily imply a commitment to that love. Similarly, many people are committed to the love of another person without necessarily even admitting that they love or are in love with that person. Most often, however, decision will precede commitment.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
HANDOUT 3: TENDER POINTS
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
HANDOUT 4: WHO ARE UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISTS?
Describe Unitarian Universalism by filling in your group's responses to the questions below.
Who are Unitarian Universalists?
What are our strengths?
What are our roles?
What are our important values?
What are our ethics?
How do we want to relate to the world?
How do we want to relate to individuals?
What are we proud of?
What do we respect about ourselves?
What do we believe?
What are our sources of inspiration?
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
LEADER RESOURCE 1: ORDER OF SERVICE — LOVE
Follow this Order of Service as you lead the opening of Workshop 10, Love.
Welcome
Chalice Lighting
Principles
Guided Meditation
Reading
Welcome
Welcome participants. Explain that this workshop is devoted to the concept of love. Participants will explore the meaning of love as it is experienced and expressed by individuals and couples.
Chalice Lighting
Light the chalice while reading the following words:
We light this chalice as a symbol of our faith: to seek truth and honesty, to build respect, and to foster greater trust among all people, beginning with ourselves. May we dedicate our time together to these purposes.
Principle
Introduce the guiding Unitarian Universalist Principle for this workshop: all seven Unitarian Universalist Principles.
We covenant to affirm and promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person; justice, equity, and compassion in human relations; acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations; a free and responsible search for truth and meaning; the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large; the goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all; respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
The transformative power of love underpins every Unitarian Universalist Principle. It is also the foundation for a healthy individual, a healthy couple, and a healthy community. Love can be seen as the source of meaning and as the expression of faith in human relationships. Remembering how to love, and acknowledging the need to give and to receive love, is the basis for all affirmative human relationships. Love can transform us, and can transform a hurting world.
Guided Meditation
Lead participants through the following guided meditation to center them for the rest of the workshop. Read the words slowly, pausing between phrases.
I invite you into a time of silence. Try to sit with your spine straight, with your feet flat on the floor. Perhaps close your eyes. Take a deep breath, inhale . . . and exhale. Take another deep breath . . . and exhale. Again; this time, as you exhale, let go of all the pressures of the day. Let go of the "to dos," the "should haves" . . . just let them float out of the room. You can return to them later. Take another deep breath. As you inhale, take in the energy of this place. As you exhale, let go of any tension or stress you might be feeling.
[Long pause]
Come into this place of connection. Envision yourself expressing love to your partner, with words or deeds. What does it feel like? What does it look like?
[Sit in silence for two to three minutes.]
Please maintain this spirit during the reading.
Reading
Read the following passage from When All You Ever Wanted Isn't Enough by Harold Kushner:
I was sitting on a beach one summer day, watching two children, siblings, playing in the sand. They were hard at work building an elaborate sand castle by the water's edge, with gates and towers and moats and internal passages. Just when they had nearly finished their project, a big wave came along and knocked it down, reducing it to a heap of wet sand. I expected the children to burst into tears, devastated by what had happened to all their hard work. But they surprised me. Instead, they ran up the shore away from the water, laughing, and holding hands, and sat down to build another castle. I realized that they had taught me an important lesson. All the things in our lives, all the complicated structures we spend so much time and energy creating are built on sand. Only our relationships to other people endure. Sooner or later, the wave will come along and knock down what we have worked so hard to build up. When that happens, only the person who has somebody's hand to hold will be able to laugh.
Sit in silence for another minute before saying:
When you are ready, please bring your focus back into this room and join our check-in.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
LEADER RESOURCE 2: TENDER POINTS GUIDELINES
Copy these points onto a newsprint page for use during Activity 4, Tender Points.
PRINCIPLED COMMITMENT: WORKSHOP 10:
LEADER RESOURCE 3: PERSONAL ALTAR QUESTIONS
Copy these questions onto a newsprint sheet for use during Alternate Activity 2, Personal Mini-Altars.
FIND OUT MORE
hooks, bell [sic]. All About Love: New Visions. Harper, 2001.
Sternberg, Robert J. Cupid's Arrow: The Course of Love through Time. Cambridge University Press, 2000.
Sternberg, Robert J., and Karin Weis. The New Psychology of Love (at www.amazon.com/New-Psychology-Love-Robert-Sternberg/dp/0300116977/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1207082262&sr=1-5). Yale University Press, 2006.