Home > Publications > Synapse > Winter 2007 > Violence in Relationships

Violence in Interpersonal Relationships: Toward an Understanding and a Faithful Response

by Pat Hoertdoerfer

We must become the change we want to see in the world. —Gandhi

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. —Margaret Mead

Interpersonal Violence

Despite the world we live in today, these two aphorisms inspire and guide my life and my work. We live in a culture of violence. Today and every day: 2,140 babies are born in poverty, nearly 12 children and youth under the age of 20 die from firearms, 218 young people are arrested for violent crimes, 144 children are abused and neglected and 5,760 women are battered. (FN: Children's Defense Fund) Hate crimes and teen suicides, (M)TV and video games, Columbine High School and the U.S. Air Force Academy, "globalization" and Internet pornography: the practice of violence permeates American life, from the private sphere to the public arena. We are a country born in violence and continually formed in violence—the violence of conquest, colonization, conversion, and civilization. (FN: Soul Work). The macrocosm of American culture and history is reflected in the microcosm of faith communities and Unitarian Universalist (UU) congregations.

Each day we read the news stories detailing the latest allegations and arrests of sexual abuse, clergy misconduct, and acquaintance rape in communities across our country. The culture of "talk radio" has entered our lives, our communities, and our congregations. Family conversation and congregational discussions often take on a level of violent language and heated rhetoric inappropriate for a UU family or a faith community. It happens in UU households or UU congregations when one person offers a different perspective or asks a difficult question, when one member passionately takes a position or accepts a leadership role. If this disrespectful, uncivil behavior is not confronted and addressed, it becomes accepted and condoned. We must name the abusive behavior, overcome secrecy, and address interpersonal violence. Until all relationships between young and old, black and white, gay and straight, rich and poor, liberal and conservative can be respectful and healthy; none of us will be safe.

Our religious heritages—Unitarian, Universalist, and Unitarian Universalist—compel us to address the important, widespread, and complex social issues of abuse and interpersonal violence. Violence in interpersonal relationships, whether sexual violence—physical/emotional/sexual/spiritual abuse, sexual assault, and sexual harassment—or domestic violence—family violence, partner abuse, child abuse, and elder abuse—profoundly affects all participants by diminishing human dignity and free choice. In our religious communities, breaches of trust, faith, and safety in congregations undermine our foundations of covenants, personally and communally.

Our faith demands our service in promoting and creating communities of peace, love, and justice for all. Our faith calls us to practice our relational theology by respecting the worth of every person and the sacredness of every person's sexuality while honoring the wholeness of life in the interdependent web of existence of which we are a part. Our faith calls us to treat others with justice, equality and compassion while we work to create environments, locally and globally that lend themselves to modeling liberty, peace, and justice in human interactions. Our faith calls us to act in ways that foster well being in ourselves and others by doing no harm and to act responsibly in creating communities and institutions that are safe and non-violent. Our faith calls us to the ongoing search for truth and meaning, spiritual freedom and ethical responsibility and to be courageous and committed leaders.

Identifying the Problem and Defining the Terms

Abuse and interpersonal violence can take many forms, including rape, sexual abuse, incest, sexual harassment, family violence, and child abuse. It is impossible to obtain complete and accurate data, but researchers estimated that one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 16. (FBI, 1990) Seventy-five to ninety-five percent of these abused children have been victimized by someone they know—brothers, sisters, mothers fathers, stepparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, neighbors, or teachers. (FBI, 1990) The vast marjority of abusers are adults on whom the victims are dependent, physically and emotionally. In 2000 three million incidents of abuse were reported in the U.S. (Child Help, USA) But that shocking three million reported incidents actually involved nearly five million children and youth. Child advocacy experts estimate that six million more incidents go unreported each year. (U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services)

Types of Abuse

Physical Abuse is when there is deliberate and intentional harm to the body of a child, youth, adult, or elder. Examples may include violent battery with a weapon (such as knife or belt), burning, choking, fracturing bones, and other non-accidental injuries.

Emotional Abuse is when there is harm that deeply affects the child's, youth's, adult's, or elder's self-esteem. This type of abuse exposes the person to spoken and/or unspoken violent language and emotional cruelty.

Sexual abuse is when there is sexual contact between the child, youth, adult, or elder and another person who is usually older and more powerful. Examples of sexual abuse include fondling, intercourse, incest, and the exploitation of and exposure to pornography and/or prostitution.

Neglect is when a parent, relative or caregiver endangers a child's, youth's, adult's, or elder's health, welfare, and safety through negligence. It may include withholding food, medical care, affection, or proper living quarters for a long time.

Abuse is the misuse of power in a relationship to manipulate, control, or hurt. Abusers use their power—their age, physical strength, authority, knowledge, and resources—to take unfair advantage of their victims. There is a continuum of abuse and without some kind of help, the violence usually gets worse. For example, verbal/emotional abuse may start as name-calling and criticizing and escalate to yelling and humiliation and could end in suicide. Sexual abuse may begin with unwanted touch or viewing pornographic pictures, and escalate to sexual talk and forced sex and could end in rape.

Sexual Assault

Rape is simply defined as "forced sex." Stranger rape is perpetuated by a person unknown to the child, youth, adult, or elder. Martial rape or spousal rape is inflicted by a marriage partner, usually the husband. Coercion sex is an activity in which consent is finally given, but partly out of fear that rape will otherwise occur.

Acquaintance rape is rape occurring between acquaintances, including family members and dating partners.

Date rape occurs during dating activities.

Sexual Harassment is any unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. It is the use of one's authority or power, either explicitly or implicitly, to coerce another into unwanted sexual relations … or the creation of an intimidating, hostile or offensive environment through verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission)

Acquaintance rape and sexual harassment are forms of sexualization, the use of sexuality to influence, manipulate or control others. Stereotypes of gender-role behaviors strongly promote sexual harassment and acquaintance rape.

These various forms of interpersonal exploitation range from harmless manipulation (flirting) to extreme violence (rape). Sexualized behavior includes various forms of touch and other physical as well as verbal behavior is the label for the kinds of words/touch/actions that convey or communicate sexual interest to us. Sexual harassment is by definition abusive; sexualized behavior is in itself neutral. It becomes good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate, as a result of the balance or imbalance of power in the relationship and/or the presence or absence of choice. But this concept of sexualized behavior is complex because it varies between cultures as well as between subcultures. For example, for a woman to meet a man's gaze is considered provocative in some cultures, whereas in other cultures, it is neutral or confrontational. For males to hold hands is considered an indication of sexual interest and/or homosexual orientation in mainstream North American culture, whereas in other cultures, it is routine and says nothing about sexual orientation.

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is the mistreatment of one family member by another. Domestic violence refers to a pattern of violent and coercive behavior exercised by one adult in an intimate relationship over another. (Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence (CPSDV), now the Faith Trust Institute) Most often perpetrators of abuse and battering are a spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend or lover. Most often victims of abuse are women and children. The abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and psychological. (Family Violence and Religion)

Domestic violence is a problem of epidemic proportions in our country and in our communities. Every 15 seconds, a woman in the US experiences the terror and humiliation of being battered by a spouse or partner. Two to four million women are assaulted each year by their husbands or boyfriends. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner, according to the U.S. Dept. of Justice (CPSDV).

As UU leaders we must teach that violence is not the inevitable result of conflict. As clergy we are present as officiate and symbol at almost every significant rite of passage and occurrence in the lives of the people in our congregational community. As lay leaders we can fill an unparalleled role in offering care, healing and hope to abused women (men), children, and elders. Our help must include compassionate caring, practical guidance and nurturing faith.

UU clergy and lay leaders must understand family violence and respond appropriately. We must acknowledge both secular awareness and religious concerns. We need to identify how the issues of diverse theology, ethnicity, age and community define (and particularize) the characteristics of family violence. With greater knowledge and understanding, we can resist evil, protect the harmed, and affirm the purpose of families. (Violence in the Family)

In breaking the silence around violence in the family, we (religious professionals and lay leaders) need to name it for what it is and become a prophetic voice and a powerful antidote to the cultural and religious norms in our society. By confronting the myths about domestic violence, we gain understanding of the problem of family violence and clarify our pastoral responses.

What are the Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence?

To further our understanding of domestic violence consider the following myths and facts adapted from the Domestic Violence Project, Inc. in Ann Arbor, Michigan:

Myth #1 Domestic violence only occurs in minority, poor, poorly educated or "dysfunctional" families.
FACT: There are doctors, minister, psychologists, and professionals who beat or abuse their wives. Battering happens in rich, white, educated and respectable families. About half of the couples in the US experience violence at some time in their relationship.

Myth #2 The problem is not really woman abuse. It is spouse abuse. Women are just as violent as men.
FACT: In over 95% of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. To end domestic violence, we must scrutinize why it is usually men who are violent in partnerships. We must examine the historic and legal permission that men have been given to be violent in general, and to be violent towards their wives and children specifically. There are rare cases where a woman batters a man. Battering does occur in lesbian and gay male relationships.

Myth #3 When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and, therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.
FACT: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Many women who are battered make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members' behavior will not cause or influence the batterer to be nonviolent.

Myth #4 Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated in incident.
FACT: Battering is a pattern, a reign of force and terror. Once violence begins in a relationship, it gets worse and more frequent over a period of time. Battering is not just one physical attack. It's one person dominating and controlling the other. It is a number of tactics (intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, psychological and sexual abuse) used repeatedly.

Myth #5 Battered women always stay in violent relationships.
FACT: Many battered women leave their abusers permanently, and despite many obstacles, succeed in building a life free of violence. Almost all battered women leave at least once. The perpetrator dramatically escalates his violence when a woman leaves (or tries to), because it is necessary for him to reassert control and ownership. Battered women are often very active (and far from helpless) on their own behalf. Their efforts often fail because the batterer continues to assault, and institutions fail to offer protection.

Myth #6 The community places responsibility for violence where it belongs on the criminal.
FACT: Most people blame the victim of battering for the crime, some without realizing it. They expect the woman to stop the violence, and repeatedly analyze her motivations for not leaving, rather than scrutinizing why the batterer keeps beating her, and why the community allows it.

Myth #7 If a battered woman wanted to leave, she could just call the police.
FACT: Police have traditionally been reluctant to respond to domestic assaults, or to intervene in what they think of a private matter. People of color tend not to call the police because law enforcement officers often exemplify racist attitudes and behaviors.

Myth #8 If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could easily get help from her religious leader.
FACT: Some priests, clergy, and rabbis have been extremely supportive of battered women. Others ignore the abuse, are unsupportive, or actively support the assailant's control of his partner.

Myth #9 Men who batter are often good fathers, and should have joint custody of their children.
FACT: At least 70% of men, who batter their wives, sexually or physically, abuse their children. All children suffer from witnessing their father assault their mother.

Myth #10 If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could just pack up and go somewhere else.
FACT: Battered women considering leaving their assailants are faced with the very real possibility of severe physical damage or even death. Assailants deliberately isolate their partners, and deprive them of jobs, of opportunities for acquiring education and job skills. This, combined with unequal opportunities for women in general and lack of affordable childcare, make it excruciatingly difficult for women to leave.

Ministry in Response

The stories of interpersonal violence against children, in teen relationships, against women are everywhere. Tales of abuse in families are common in our communities. Often people—mostly women, children, youth and elders—first turn to their religious community for help. Clergy must respond pastorally. Marie Fortune in her essay "Ministry in Response to Violence in the Family: Pastoral and Prophetic" states that the task of ministry is to provide the resources of faith and of the congregation to accomplish the following three goals:

Protection of the victim/victims from further abuse. The immediate safety of the person(s) harmed must be served.
Stopping the abuser's violence. This means immediate cessation of the abusive behavior and calling the abuser to accountability for it in order to prevent its continuation. The minister can make it clear that this behavior is intolerable, immoral and maybe criminal.
Restoration of individuals and, if possible, relationships or mourning the loss of the relationships. But restoration of a relationship is impossible prior to the authentic achievement of the two more urgent goals. (Violence in the Family)

Religious professionals and lay leaders need to respond to interpersonal violence and abuse prophetically. By breaking the silence and speaking openly from the pulpit, in communities or in congregational newsletters, ministers and leaders should be prepared for disclosures from congregants of any age.

Religious educators can do their greatest ministry to families by providing education that supports healthy, just family relationships and education that prevents abusive relationships. The opportunity is there at significant points in the life cycle to provide healthy norms and expectations for right relationships through the Our Whole Lives lifespan sexuality education curricula series. Children need prevention education. We need to teach them self-respect and self-confidence and give them permission and the skills to say "no" to any adult who would harm them. Teenagers who are exploring their sexuality and their relationships need accurate information in order to have expectations about mutuality, choice, and respect in a relationship. Adults who are approaching marriage and life-long commitment need to have opportunities to reflect carefully on their expectations of each other and their relationship. Adult children who are facing the illness or disability of an adult parent need information, resources, and support that a congregation can provide to deal with the stress of possible older abuse or neglect.

Conclusion

Is a faithful response to interpersonal violence and abuse possible in our congregations in these days of war, fear and terror? When political and moral ambiguity is the substance of our everyday lives, can UU clergy and lay leaders speak prophetically and respond pastorally to all forms of interpersonal violence? Our faith calls us to work for justice that makes for healing and justice that makes for equality and compassion. May we cast our lot with those workers who Adrienne Rich names:
My heart is moved by all I cannot save: so much has been destroyed. I have to cast my lot with those who age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world.

For more information contact youth @ uua.org.

Last updated on Saturday, April 19, 2008.