Tell All
By George BrownHello, my name is George Brown. I
am an average height, seventeen year old, early high school graduate, black
male, Person of Color, bridger, heterosexual, omnivorous, college student with a
dry sense of humor, and, if I may say, very good looks to boot. This
Gentlewomen, Gentlemen and Gentlezees, is the formal introduction of the
conference- and workshop-participating Unitarian Universalist. For several years
I imagined that with these eleven brief statements I had a complex yet concise
understanding of my self, and could therefore not only convey my very being in
twenty eight English words to a random stranger (not counting words that could
be shortened and numbers not written long hand, of course) I could also use this
as a platform to delve deep into the social and psychological plot of land which
is George Brown. Uprooting the weeds known as oppression and social ignorance
which society has sown on my nappy little head; and planting the seeds of
ecological truth, social justice and the anti-oppressive way! I wouldn't go as
far to say that this simple understanding of self has been bullshit in helping
me understand who I really am, but I will say it has worked as insufficient
fertilizer on the plot of land which is George Brown. In retrospect, I feel like
it has worked as a very expensive and odorous mulch which covered the less
nutrient and good looking parts of who I am; making me into what I am perceived
to be, a new land with rich black soil. With all the horticultural jargon aside,
I now understand that the complex-concise identification process I had grown
accustomed to would help me quickly understand the concepts and theories I would
soak up in years of mind-exhausting weekends, but didn't help me grow as a
person and anti-oppressive human being. So, Gentlewomen, Gentlemen and
Gentlezees, in the immortal words of Sean Carter: allow me to reintroduce
myself.
This is by no means concise, and in some ways complex. I warn those who would like to simply know me as George Brown: a nice kid who has always been that way, to not read further. I am attempting to delve into and divulge my memories, stories, experiences and perceptions of myself making up the plot of land which is me: good, bad and ugly.
My name is George Bejohn Brown. I
am of African-American and West African Descent, which in my opinion means both
a little and a lot, for I spent the first thirteen years of my life pretending
to be a white person in black skin. I am a male in the nebulous years between
adolescence and manhood. I know for a fact that in the quest to understand what
it is to be a man, I have been and still am a sexist. In hindsight I know for a
fact that there are a palm-full of young women who I have sexually harassed
intentionally because I believed I had, if not the right, then the privilege, to
say what I wished, to any woman I wished, whether she wanted to hear it or not.
This doesn't count the monolith of young women unknown to me that I could have
possibly made feel uncomfortable with the slew of jokes, comments and poorly
judged thoughts I heard, confirmed, said, made up and repeated. If I touched a
girl without consent or propositioned her in any form crude, rude or otherwise,
I believed they would get over it eventually. Though in public I may seem to be
unwelcoming and in deep thought, this is a façade I created to hide the fact I
can speak in public and take leadership roles but I'm really shy and don't want
to let people know that in reality I'm a dopey nerd that enjoys Hip Hop, comic
books, anime, Basketball stats, Jazz, martial arts, sexy women and pizza. See,
there goes my sexism again, my bad. Ever since I can remember I have had a hard
time talking to women which caused me to view women in terms of my sexuality as
nearly unattainable trophies who only those of exceptional skill could procure;
not people who could just enjoy the company of other people in a non-sexual and
friendly way. (I swear to this day I still have a problem with staring and
keeping my cool when a woman who I find either psychologically or physically
beautiful comes my way).
On the topic of sexuality, I could
possibly be one the worst heterosexist offenders to date. No, I haven't beat any
homosexual people in the street, which I shouldn't really deem as an
accomplishment because that is the same as saying "I haven't hung any niggers
yet, can I please have a cookie?!" Yet, I know I still slip up and call things
"gay" when I'm around my peers who use the expression. I know I don't treat
effeminate men, gay or heterosexual, the same way I treat others. Just recently
when my cousin took me out to what was supposed to be a New Years party filled
with beautiful drunk women ready to take their clothes off at a moments notice
(yes…I know…sexism again...), it was rather filled with drunk gay fraternity
brothers, where I was actually propositioned and inappropriately touched. I
realized later, much to my disappointment, I believe I used the word faggot,
such prefixes and conjunctions, more than I had pre-anti oppression
workshops.
Might I add, while I'm on the topic
of bigotry, I realize that despite being black and I have felt racial
oppression, I have had moments of race hatred so terrible that Bill O'Riley
could look like an anti-racist in hindsight. Up until the last couple of months,
I would mislead, ridicule, disrespect and lay judgment on white people to their
face with no feelings of remorse. In my mind I thought "I'm black, I had the
privilege to do that shit." Even People of Color weren't safe from my oppressive
eye. Around Black Muslims I would speak of how the Asians were siphoning money
out of the 'hood. In the barber shop I would sit and enjoy, in complete ignorant
silence, conversations of how Latinos were "stealing" all the jobs. Be thankful
you have been spared my hour-long conversations with my Niggas about how
coon-like they are. Funnily enough, because I had "reformed my ways" and have
spent the past three years almost exclusively with black people, I began passing
judgment on those black folk like myself who enjoyed the company of white
people. Can you believe the boy who was once called Oreo began calling other
people Oreos? Those include my father, my ex-girlfriend, my best friend and my
younger cousin who looks up to me.
Now after reading my lengthy introduction, can you honestly say that I should be teaching you or anyone else to be an anti-oppressive person? After reading what would be considered an AR/AO [Anti-Racism/Anti-Oppression] trainer's worst nightmare, do you think you could actually come to me with any secret oppressive conviction you have? Honestly, sending this out I'm a little scared any young woman would try to ask me directions at GA [General Assembly] much less have a conversation.
I bet right now there are burning
questions in your mind:
"George Brown, why the hell did you write this long
ass piece? Was it for sympathy?"
No, actually, I hope there is nothing
sympathetic about this piece for I feel no sympathy for myself.
"Is this an apology?"
Well, let
me formally apologize for those I have intentionally and unintentionally hurt
with my past actions, but by no means am I asking for forgiveness either. I have
said what I have said and done what I have done and no amount of sorry(s) will
change that.
"So then why did you write this at
all…I thought this issue of Synapse was about consent?"
Great question.
Couldn't have thought of a better one myself! Oh wait, I did. Anyway in all
seriousness I am telling all of you this because as an anti-oppression trainer
and organizer, I don't believe it is my job to be your tearo (teaching-hero),
mentor, shepherd, or even to pretend to be some self-righteous do-gooder of a
world that contains right, wrong and a whole lot of gray area. As a trainer, I
am a normal person that deals with the same issues and problems that one has
with checking, balancing and changing their own personal privileges and
prejudices against what is moral and anti-oppressive. I am doing this for two
reasons. First, to give those of you who would like to come to one of my
trainings a chance to truly know the person who is giving you information. I
want your consent as a participant to allow me to share the things I know and
believe. Second, I am asking your consent to share with me and the many other
great trainers and organizers out there all of your stories, your experiences
and your memories. Not just what gender, sexual orientation, race, and dietary
habits you may have; but yourself. The great, good, general and grotesque self;
that makes up the plot of land which is you. I believe if I tell all, and you
tell all we can intimately change ourselves into better social justice leaders,
organizers, trainers, apostles and maybe even people.
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Friday, April 18, 2008.
