Not That Girl
by Carly GaylePam walked into her room, the one she'd lived in for six years. Just two weeks ago, it had been a normal room, a little small, with a bed, desk, dresser, and a pink carpet. But all her books, toys, and furniture were packed up into cardboard boxes, being shoved thoughtlessly into the moving truck. Now the room was completely bare, stripped of all life.
That was sort of the way Pam felt. Even though she disliked school, the kids at her school, the kids in her neighborhood and pretty much everything else about Jeffreysville, she still did not like change. It had been a major step to paint her walls a different color—now, her walls would not only be a different color, but different walls, in a different house, in a different state. She hated her parents for making her move, even though she knew that it wasn't her mom's fault that the textile company was making her switch to a different plant.
"Honey, we need to leave in fifteen minutes. Eat your cereal and brush your teeth." Pam's mom urged her to hurry up. Mrs. Buren was fluttering around the kitchen, packing up the last of the appliances and such.
Pam sat down and pulled the box of Krunchee-Bitz toward her. The table was gone—it was already in the moving van. She sat on a box marked "Christmas junk," and ate out of a Styrofoam bowl with a plastic spoon. This was the last meal she was ever going to have in the house. It kind of saddened her.
She got up when she was finished, walked to the curb to throw out the bowl and spoon (their trash cans were in the truck) and brushed her teeth. The last time she would ever do so in this house…or even in the whole state of Michigan. She grabbed her backpack and headed out the door, pausing and turning around to look at her house. Small and kind of ugly, it was nonetheless hers. Just as they were about to leave, a familiar red Pontiac drove up to the curb next to Pam's house. It screeched to a stop, and out jumped Kerri, her best friend ever since she had moved to Jeffreysville. Kerri gave her a huge hug and a bar of Hershey's. Tears streamed down Pam's face as she got in the car and huddled in the backseat along with her two pillows and three blankets. Her mother and father got in the front. She heard the doors slam and the ignition start. Looking out the back of the window, Pam saw the waving Kerri grow smaller and smaller…and they drove away to a new life.
While in the backseat by herself, Pam had time to think about what she'd do when she got over to her new town. Poplar Springs, IL, population 20,650, was where she would live next. She wondered about the kids there—would they be friendly to her, or mean? Would she find a best friend quickly? Images of Kerri floated into her mind. Pam didn't think anyone could be as good a friend to her as Kerri had been. But she hoped that she was wrong. Even though she semi-loathed Jeffreysville and almost everyone in it, it was definitely not easy for her to leave everything she'd known her whole life. Even if she was kind of miserable, she knew her place, and had more or less come to terms with it.
The last time Pam had moved (to Jeffreysville) she was nine. She remembered her first day getting on the bus, heading to Ulysses Grant Elementary. She was a scared nine-year-old with huge glasses, braces, thick frizzy brown hair and her beloved Barbie backpack, going out to meet her new life. She had walked to her old school, so she was very nervous as the big yellow bus drove up to her street corner. The big doors opened with a squeal and Pam took a deep breath, and then climbed the stairs.
She chose a spot near the back to sit. She was one of the first ones on the bus, and figured that she would be invisible in the back. But on the next bus stop, a horde of students got on, and proved her wrong.
There were two girls and three guys, walking down the aisle in unison with a superior air. They stopped when they saw Pam in the back.
The tallest boy, with
red hair and freckles, stepped forward. "Just who do you think you are, sitting
in my seat in the back? Don't you know that the babies sit in the front of the
bus? Only sixth-graders sit here"
Pam took a deep breath and sputtered very
quickly, "I'm Pamela, I'm new here, and I never rode a bus before,
sorry."
The guy looked at all his friends. "Fine, we'll cut you some slack, but move up to the front; I never want to see you here again—Spamela."
Pam stood up abruptly, cheeks flushing, as the others laughed and filed into the seats. Each girl sat with a guy, but the black-haired guy with glasses sat by himself. He said nothing, but looked at her with an especially menacing stare that scared her. The bus was already moving, but she fled to the front and sat at the only empty seat, next to a girl with braids who was staring out the window. The girl didn't move a muscle as she sat down. Tears were brimming in Pam's eyes, and she knew that her face was getting red and blotchy like it did whenever she cried. The bus screeched to a stop in front of a faded, ugly brown building with a dismal playground in front. The doors opened and kids started getting off. Pamela got up after all the kids in front of her were off, but someone coming in from behind pushed her rudely. She automatically cowered into the nearest seat as all five of the smug sixth-graders walked by. Then she nervously ran to the front of the bus.
The bus driver was a grizzled lady in her mid-forties with several piercings and a rose tattoo on her arm. She was very stern and cross as she snapped to Pam, "Hey, girl, don't nobody run on my bus. Ain't you that gal who was a-walkin' while the bus was moving earlier? What's wrong wit'cha?"
That did it for Pam. She burst into tears, sobbing, "It's my first day here and I never rode a bus before and this kid with red hair was really mean to me and made me go to the front of the bus and called me names and I'm really scared because I've never lived here before and someone hates me already and I have no friends and I don't know what to do!" She sat down on the seat and rubbed her eyes.
The bus driver immediately softened. "Alright, hon, it's okay. The biggun with red hair, ya say? Yeah, I know bout him. Given me a right bit of trouble last year too. I'll fetch Principal Mullins and we'll take care of him. Okay? You wait right here."
Sniffling, Pam agreed. Bobby was brought to her, and forced to apologize, but when the adults' backs were turned, he smiled evilly, mouthed "tattletale" and made a motion of slitting his throat. From that day on he was her enemy.
"Pam, honey, do you need to use the restroom?" Pam's mother turned toward the dingy gas station and remarked, "Not that I'd particularly want to pee in this dump."
Pam was jolted awake from her daydream. "Uh, no, mom, I don't, really, I mean, need to go right now." She shut the car door and nestled back into the pillows.
Where was she? Oh yes, she remembered, she was thinking back on the last time she moved. After that first day she had lived in fear not only of that redhead, whose name was Bobby Pruitt, but of the rest of the school, too. No one was particularly friendly to her—the ones who weren't outright mean just avoided the dork with glasses, braces, and frizz. Taunts of "four eyes", "metal mouth", "train tracks" and "Hey Spamela, you got baloney for lunch?" and "Barbie's for babies," invariably followed by snickering, floated into her ears everywhere. Her world was a mess. Pam hated just getting up in the morning. And then, in November, another girl moved into her school. Her name was Kerri Bore, and because of it she got teased a lot. But instead of hiding her face or running away, Kerri mouthed off to her tormenters. Because of this, she was not very popular. She and Pam, the odd ones out, became fast friends and bonded to navigate the raging waters of elementary school.
Kerri had often berated Pam for not standing up for herself, and Pam had cowered and nodded meekly, promising to do it the next time. But both of them knew she never would. And she never did. She always hid quietly behind Kerri's bratty, outspoken personality, and only came out of her shell when she was alone with Kerri. This is how it was the rest of fourth grade, into fifth grade and sixth, and all the way through the end of junior high. She'd never had a boyfriend, or any other friends for that matter, but she and Kerri had had each other. It wasn't ideal, and Pam often envied the popular girls, with long straight hair and preppy clothes and boyfriends constantly attached to their arms. It seemed like the good life. But Pam was always grateful to Kerri, because she knew that without friends there wasn't much to life…and Kerri had protected her from Bobby and the others who made her life miserable (though Kerri had also aggravated Bobby). Until the end of ninth grade, the end of junior high, this was how she had gotten by day to day.
When had her parents decided to move? Mrs. Buren had received notice that she would have to move within three months, in May. They had decided to wait until the end of the school year, at least, so Pam could finish junior high and her exams too. They ended up moving on August 12th. Pam was able to spend one final summer with her best friend before moving.
But now that summer was almost over. While speeding along the interstate, Pam leafed through the welcoming packet for Poplar Springs Senior High. She highly doubted she'd be welcome there. She was already beginning to mentally prepare herself for another spell of torment, until she found another outcast to cling to. She wondered if high school would be different.
"It's all in your attitude." Pam looked up in surprise. The line had come from the radio in the car, but it gave her an idea. What was Pam's attitude? Pessimistic, timid, and appeasing. What had Kerri always been telling her? Become more assertive. What was stopping her from doing that? Well…she searched for a reason…nothing, really. The people in Illinois had no idea of the quiet girl she'd been. Why, she could become outgoing and no one would think it strange! They would just think it was how she'd been her whole life!
Pam mused over this new knowledge all the way to Illinois. She thought about it as she brought boxes up to her room and unpacked them. School started in five days, so she had that long to get a mental makeover. She said to herself over and over, "I am Pamela Maria Buren, I am assertive and outgoing and I am not the person I was last year."
The first day of school, Pam woke up, took a shower, put on the outfit she'd laid out the previous night, and went downstairs. She ate Cheerios that morning (she was kind of sick of Krunchee-Bitz, and had just eaten it out of habit, really) and brushed her teeth. She walked to the bus stop very nervously, but repeated her mantra until she felt more confident. As she boarded the bus, Pam gazed around at the different faces surrounding her. Most of the people looked like they were her age. She realized that the upper classmen probably drove themselves to school, and that these people were 10th graders, just like her—and new to senior high and scared, just like her! The thought comforted her as she walked down the aisle, and sat in a seat across from a quiet blonde who was reading Jane Eyre.
Pam took the plunge. "Hi, I'm Pam."
The girl closed the book and looked at Pam with an amiable expression. "Hi, I'm Lisa. Are you new? I don't recognize you from junior high."
"Yeah, I just moved here from Michigan."
"Really? My cousins live there. What part are you from?"
"Jeffreysville. It's kind of small, near Detroit."
"Ah, well, they live near Lansing. So what do you like to do?"
"I like riding horses, writing poetry and laying on the grass, staring at the sky for hours." Pam had no idea why she said that, but it sounded like something a confident and assertive person might say.
"Yeah, I like all that too," Lisa made a sudden grimacing face, "minus the poetry. You know, we should join Equestrian Club. And maybe start a Staring at the Sky Club." Lisa giggled. "Think people would join?"
"Undoubtedly!" Pam was relieved that she'd made a friend. All of a sudden a face poked out from the seat behind Pam.
"Yo freaks, you wanna gimme all yo cash?" a tough-sounding voice slurred.
Lisa looked scared, made like she was fishing around in her bag, and handed the girl a dollar, which she greedily snatched up before turning to Pam. "Cough it up, yo."
Pam thought for a fleeting instant, and then got angry. This girl had no right to intimidate Lisa, or take her money. The new assertive Pam would not let this happen. All the pent-up anger of years of being bullied had finally gotten to her. "Listen, you're the only freak around here. I wouldn't give you money even if I had any, which I don't. Now leave us alone and bring your own money next time."
Pam stood breathless, along with the rest of the bus. She hadn't realized she'd been shouting. Slowly, she shrank back into her seat. Lisa started clapping, and slowly the rest of the bus joined in.
A boy with tousled brown hair poked out from the seat in front of her. "Unbelievable! You stood up to Corinne! She scares me so bad, she must have mooched a hundred dollars off me last year alone. How did you do it?"
"Well, I just did. You can't live your life scared of everyone around you. You just need to step out and stand up for yourself sometimes. Before I moved here, I was really shy and unhappy so I decided to try being confident."
The bus driver stepped in. "You know, I was going to give you a warning slip for profanity, but goodness knows how someone needed to bring that girl down, and there's not enough self confidence going around young girls these days. Just don't do it again, hear?"
"Okay," Pam agreed. She spent the rest of the day with her new friends, having a great time. When she got home that afternoon, there was a call from Kerri on her answering machine.
She called Kerri back and they talked for hours, about how senior high was going, and about Pam's new life.
"So, Kerri, made new friends yet?"
"Yeah, people from the other side of town seem to be a lot nicer than the people we know. How about you?"
"Yeah, I have, actually, lots of them."
Kerri gasped in mock surprise. "No, really?"
Pam giggled. "Shut up! Yes, really. I took your advice about standing up for yourself, and I actually yelled at this one idiot girl on the bus when she was rude to me."
"Amazing! What about the old Pam? Where is she?"
"Outdated and useless. I'm not that girl anymore."
Carly Gayle is 15 years old, and attends Unitarian Universalist Church of Rockville in Rockville, MD.
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Saturday, April 19, 2008.
