Fishbowl - For Adults Who Practice Ministry with Youth
Book Review
Secret Encounters:
Addressing Sexual Behaviors in Group Settings
by
Michael Shelton
Reviewed by Tera Little
Last summer I had the good fortune to stumble across a great book dealing with children and youth sexuality within the camp setting. The book is Secret Encounters: Addressing Sexual Behaviors in Group Settings by Michael Shelton, and the American Camping Association (ACA) published it in summer 2004. His book covers areas from creating an atmosphere that discourages inappropriate sexual behavior to screening staff, to setting up a safety plan, how to talk with staff about safety, and dealing with sexual harassment, sexual abuse, and sexual assault.
I had imagined the book would be a stale, clinical look at the sexual behaviors of young people and how we, as adults, should work hard to stamp this out at every possible turn. I was so wrong! Shelton's attitude toward the sexual development of children and youth is very much in keeping with the Our Whole Lives philosophy; people of all ages are sexual beings, and there are developmentally appropriate ways of demonstrating it. Shelton goes on to say that just because a child, youth, or adult is going to camp (or entering a religious education program, or attending a youth conference) that does not mean he or she is able to turn off this part of themselves. Rather, it is up to us to ensure that we create a culture of safety and respect in which harmful behaviors such as sexual harassment, assault, or abuse will not be tolerated.
As an adult who has worked in youth ministry since 1996, one of the most useful things for me in this book was Shelton's assertion that no matter what, we are never going to stamp out sexual activity in the camp (or religious education program or youth conference) setting. These places are some of the most romantic atmospheres in our society—time away from “reality”, in close proximity to your peers, and in situations that foster physical and emotional closeness. Shelton says that if you have a zero tolerance toward sexuality in your program, the only thing that will accomplish is driving sexual behaviors underground, making them even harder to detect by youth staff, advisors, teachers, etc. He advocates a more open policy toward sexuality with the understanding that this will encourage greater communication about sexual activities and will make it more likely that aberrant behavior such as abuse, harassment, or assault will be reported. This does not mean that we throw caution to the wind and encourage 'free love' among participants; rather, that we allow and acknowledge appropriate, age-related sexual expression and that when faced with a situation that involves a more intense contact than is allowed, we do not immediately panic and banish the parties from the conference or camp.
Shelton also points out that we can never absolutely make our space 'safe.' We cannot prevent against every imaginable situation. What we can do is work on prevention, and creating an environment in which unhealthy behaviors cannot thrive. He offers a safety survey, one for staff members and another for children or youth participants, so that the leadership can begin to adequately assess how safe people feel in the program. Once you have an idea of the level of emotional, physical, and sexual safety people feel, then you can begin to craft a safety plan.
One of the most powerful aspects of Young Religious Unitarian Universalism (YRUU) for me has always been the belief and commitment to making the community space a safe space for the youngest members. There can be huge physical and emotional differences between a savvy seventeen or eighteen year old youth leader and a brand-new-to-conferences fourteen year old. Our Unitarian Universalist philosophy of youth ministry engages both the youth and adult leaders in how to best create a nurturing atmosphere for both. It's imperative for all of us to engage our minds and hearts and figure out how we can form communities that are sexually safe for everyone, and allow for appropriate sexual expression. I do not think this is an easy task. This will be unique to individual communities, and requires ongoing, frank, and honest discussions among youth, advisors, and parents.
There are very good chapters in Shelton's book that deal with sexual assault between members of your staff (this translates to sexual assault between members of your youth group or participants at a youth conference), sexual harassment, and sexual abuse. In the sexual assault chapter he discusses triggers for assault within relationships, such as jealousy, anger, alcohol, trying to control the behavior of another, trying to gain revenge, or trying to protect one's image. He also gives a very clear outline of how to deal with sexual assault if it occurs in your program:
- Stay calm.
- Give the survivor partial control of the situation.
- Do not act as judge—Shelton is very adamant that this is the role of the legal system should the survivor decide to press charges. It's the role of leadership to create a safe environment and make all efforts to prevent similar assaults.
- Do not act as therapist. While we may be empathetic or call ourselves chaplains, most of us are not trained counselors or social workers, skilled in dealing with interpersonal violence. We need to have resources available in the event this does take place.
I think this book would be well worth having in your YRUU or church library. It was very helpful for me in terms of looking at ways we assess safety at camp and conferences.
To order, visit the American Camping Association, then go to bookstore or call the ACA bookstore directly at (800) 428-2267.
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Saturday, April 19, 2008.
