Polyamory and New Family Structures
by Kenneth R. Haslam, MDOnce upon a time a family was Mom and Dad, Bro and Sis, Spot and Fluff and a little house with a white picket fence in a pastoral suburb. Or so the story goes. But it is all a lie. The real family of today is all too often made up of two or more families where the kids are adopted, foster, his, hers, and ours. And single parent households are all too common. Increasingly, although it is rarely talked about in “polite society,” there are loving gay and lesbian families with two parents of the same sex and/or gender. And to complicate matters further there are families with three or more parents, who, along with the kids, live and love together under the same roof. These include polyamorous families.
Just as a parent can provide an equal amount of love for each of several children, the polyamorous parent loves equally not only all the kids, but also the other adult members of the household. Because the concept of consensual multi-partnering (polyamory) is not widely accepted in mainstream North America many members of this kind of family can feel out of place. Many feel that they are the only ones who live in a multiple parent group and keep very quiet about their living arrangements. They have to live in the closet because of "what the neighbors, coworkers, friends, etc. might think."
And to make matters worse, there are those who believe that children being raised in a household with more than two adult "parents," no matter how caring or loving the parents might be, might be emotionally damaged. Some feel so strongly about these unconventional families they have interfered, had the children taken away, and the family broken up.
Not all polyamorous families have children, and not all live together under the same roof. But in all, there is a deep love and caring among the members. They live otherwise normal lives with the exception of loving more than one partner consensually and concurrently.
Over the past several years, some Unitarian Universalists who loved more than one openly, consensually and concurrently have found each other on the Internet and at polyamory conferences. In the beginning they thought they were the only ones who loved more than one, and were overjoyed to find that there were others with the same life path. Almost all were "in the closet," ashamed and afraid to tell of their multiple loving relationships and unusual families.
Ultimately these Unitarian Universalists (UUs) got together at the Nashville General Assembly (GA) in 2000 and formed Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA). They met again at GA in Cleveland, Quebec, Boston, and Long Beach. At each of these meetings workshops on polyamory were presented, and were well attended by both lay and clergy UUs. A workshop on polyamory is scheduled for General Assembly in Fort Worth in 2005 where a young woman from a p oly family will tell her story.
There are currently about one hundred members In UUPA supporting each other as well as newcomers to Polyamory. There is an email list called UU Poly where members discuss the joys and concerns of being part of a poly family.
At UUPA you can read brochures on polyamory written by UUs. Read the comparison of UU and UUPA principles and our Mission Statement. Come and read the stories of other beginning polys and find out about UUPA.
So if your "family" has more than two parents, or you find you love more than one, you are not alone. Come and find us. We will welcome you to our "family".
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Saturday, April 19, 2008.
