Coming Out
by Jason Lydon and Betty Jeanne Rueters-WardComing out as bisexual, gay, genderqueer, intersex, lesbian, queer, questioning, or transgender is a process. It can be a celebration or the scariest horror flick ever. Coming out is something different for everyone and luckily there are so many resources available to those choosing to come out as well as for those learning of someone close to them sharing their sexual orientation or gender identity. The most important aspect of coming out is that it is YOUR decision and yours only. You need to concern yourself with what is best for you and makes you most comfortable. Others often think they have the best understanding of when you should come out and you may hear things like, "Just don't tell your grandparents, it would kill them." Or, "You have to be out at school; I am, you should take the heat too." You have your own decisions to make and do not need to do what others tell you to do. That doesn't mean you have to completely disregard other people's experience or knowledge. At times, others are sincerely looking out for your best interest and can be a support from their own experience, or act as an ally while you struggle through each decision.
Coming out doesn't look the same for everyone. Coming out isn't just a one-time event. Sometimes you may want to tell every person you meet, other times you may choose to wait till you feel safe, and there may be people and situations where you choose not to be "out." But what is "coming out" really about? What does an "out" person look like? The trick here is that it is very different for each person. Some people sit their families down and tell them about their self-discovery. Other people start wearing rainbows and hope that people pick up their signals. There are people who write letters, make phone calls, scream and cry at family barbecues, kiss lovers publicly, even make announcements at church. If you are deciding to come out it can be helpful to find some sort of support base, either a Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (GLBTQ) group, a loyal friend, a minister, or wherever you feel safe—because there will be hard days and there will be fun days. Some folks you tell may claim to already know, some will act awkward, some will celebrate with you, and unfortunately some may not take it well. Often GLBTQ folks are told to be patient with those having difficulties. Those people are not your responsibility. You deserve love, respect, friendship, and kindness. When those who are uncomfortable are able to accept you as your full self they will. Directing them to resources may speed up their process, but it is not your responsibility to hold anyone's hand as they engage in their own struggle to unlearn bigotry and judgment. It can be helpful to direct those who are your hetero allies to the others in need of someone to process with. You have enough to deal with, and friends addressing their own ignorance should not be yours to have to take care of. Coming out can be a big deal, and allowing yourself time and space to have and express your feelings is healthy and good. So whether you are quietly coming out to yourself or yelling to strangers in the middle of the street, remember, you're in a process and more people than you will ever know are struggling right along with you.
This is an excerpt from a new series of resources for BGLQQT (Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Queer, Questioning, Transgender) youth currently being developed by the Youth Office. Let us know what you think!
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Friday, April 18, 2008.
