Wink - Youth Office Editorial
On Consent
by Brian Kuzma
Wow, the theme of this issue is quite encompassing. There is so much to write about the topic of sexuality. I'd like to state that sexuality education, homophobia, heterosexism, relationship structures, gender binary issues, lookism, healthy sexuality and much more all deserve and need to be discussed within and outside our communities. In writing this editorial I wanted to focus on something that our Unitarian Universalist (UU) communities and our larger world struggle with. Sexual violence is something that we can all work to stand up against. Here are some basic tools to start an active resistance against sexual violence.
- Everyone has the right to say
"No"—you, your sexual partner(s), and everyone else. These rights are too
often violated and part of why sexual violence is a problem within our world. If
something doesn't seem quite right, if you aren't ready, if you aren't sure, if
you're uncomfortable, if you just don't feel like it, or even if you don't have
a reason, you still have the right to say "NO". And to those who aren't sure
what "no" means, I'll explain; no means no. It does not mean "sort of," or "I'm
just playing," it means "no."
- "No" is not always said
explicitly—BE AWARE. When someone says something like, "Not tonight," or
"I'm not sure I am comfortable with this," you should take such a statement as a
"no." Furthermore, a "no" does not always come in a verbal answer. If someone
backs away from you if you try to get close, or if they move your hand away from
them, this means "no."
- Ask for consent—Often we have the notion that our sexual encounters are supposed to naturally flow without any form of real communication between partners. This assumes that all of the people involved want and feel comfortable with what is happening "in the heat of the moment." You may feel comfortable, but you've got to ask if the other person(s) is/are happy and willing to continue with what is going on. Silence does not mean "yes." So instead of just kissing someone, or anything else that involves physical contact, ask, "May I kiss you?" Some might think that this ruins the mood. I have two answers for that:
- You can definitely ask in a loving and compassionate way that doesn't ruin the mood.
- The mood is
REALLY ruined when you hurt someone and you end up with a plethora of negative
consequences including knowing that you have caused pain or the possibility of
winding up in jail. Asking can be hot and can be super validating. Furthermore,
having asked for and gotten permission to kiss a partner once does not mean you
have permission to kiss that person another time. Always ask for consent,
because even after being sexually active with someone for years does not mean
that a person is comfortable with having sexual contact another time. People can
consent in advance by saying, "From now on, you don't have to ask for a kiss."
Communication is important and giving consent ahead of time in no way waives a
person's right to say "no." Sex is not a right and no one is entitled to it.
- Consent isn’t possible when
drugs are involved. This includes alcohol and other drugs that impair a
person's ability to make decisions. If a person(s) is/are under the influence of
any such drug they cannot make a decision to give consent to sexual activity.
Even if a person says "yes" it still doesn’t mean that you have
permission.
- It's not their/your fault.
It is not the fault of anyone that they are a survivor of sexual violence. No
matter who they hung out with, what their behavior was like, what they wore, or
anything else. Some people hold the belief that by some small factor, people ask
for violence to be brought upon them. This way of thinking only keeps the
culture of rape and sexual violence deeply imbedded within our society and ends
up making survivors of sexual violence believe that it was they who brought the
violence upon themselves.
- Other Resources. On page 30 you will find The Sexuality Resource List. The list has links to resources that you can use to educate yourself and others about sexual violence. If you or someone you know is a survivor of sexual violence, or even if you aren't sure what sexual violence is, know that ministers, school counselors, local shelters, and help lines like the National Sexual Assault Hotline—1-800-656-HOPE (4673)—are there for you.
We live in a Rape Culture, and we need to work to change that. Silence is one of the biggest perpetuating factors of sexual violence. Educate yourselves, be aware, and speak up. We all have a part in this struggle. Remember…SENSUAL is a part of conSENSUAL!
A Song About Consent
This is a song the Ohio Meadville District sings at conferences after they explain that “no means no."My body’s nobody’s body but mine
You run your own body
Let me
run mine
Sometimes it’s hard to say no
And be strong
When the “no”
feelings come
Then I know something’s wrong
Cuz my body’s mine
From my
head to my toe
Please leave it alone
When you hear me say
“NO!"
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Saturday, April 19, 2008.
