Is it a Boy or a Girl?
The Importance of Gender Pronouns
by Alex G.
"Is it a boy or a girl?" is always among the first things asked about a new baby. After all, we don't want to call the baby an "it"! And without pronouns it can sound really awkward (e.g., "Who does the baby look like? Ooh, the baby has your nose! Isn't the baby adorable?"). But what hardly anybody realizes is that, despite all the pink or blue booties, the little dresses and the overalls, there's truly no way to know the answer for sure.
We automatically assume that boys will be boys, and girls will be girls, as the old saying goes. For instance, what comes into your mind when you hear the word “Boy”? What about “Girl”? Most people have entirely different images, built on memories and experiences, which make them treat boys and girls very differently. But there are several flaws in that saying. For one, just about everyone has met a feminine male or a masculine girl. They are easy to pick out. The boys tend to be the ones being made fun of, and the girls tend to be the tomboys getting in trouble. Sometimes it is just a behavior pattern, but sometimes it means that the person is transgender. In which case, inside, “he” is really a she, or “she” is a he! If that is true, which pronoun should be used for the person? That of his or her physical sex, or the real gender he or she has?
Every day of the week people use pronouns, constantly. Try not to use a single “he”, “she”, “him”, or “her”. Good luck! They're so omnipresent in our vocabulary, but people never seem to take a good look at them. Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a sixteen year- old male-to-female transsexual named Alexia, my birth name being Alexander, and I attend a public high school in Massachusetts. I am one of the fortunate people in my situation that has been brought up in an open and loving community—my mother is the secretary to the Unitarian Universalist (UU) church here, so you can imagine how involved I am there. A long time ago, I realized that I didn't just want to be a girl, I was one. The more I learned, the more I realized it is not some freakish perversion like it is made out to be and I began to fully think of myself as a girl. That was the moment that I realized just how many pronouns people use. Every day it seems like I'm assaulted by the word “he”, and “him”, “his”, “sir”—the list goes on. Each time someone uses a masculine pronoun for me it feels like a solid kick to the stomach.
"Why do they hurt so much?" I've often thought about that question. I understand why people do it, because they see a physical boy and think that it's what I should be called. But what about people that know about my situation, as many at my school, including all my teachers (who all use masculine pronouns) do? Every time they use the wrong pronoun for me, it creates a gigantic internal conflict. I want to correct them, but I realize that I am ashamed of who I am, and it can be very hard to say what I want to. All in all, it's a terrible feeling, and puts me in an awful mood. But, if someone uses the proper pronoun, I feel elated! Someone really understands and respects me! It truly brightens my day, and I wonder why people can't just do me the one simple favor of cheering me up instead of kicking dirt in my face, as it feels like they are doing.
My experience with pronouns is often the same as that of other people in my situation, and it can be especially frustrating to people who are too ashamed or afraid to admit to who they are. Psychiatrists tend to predict that one in 30,000 Americans are transgender, but other groups believe that it's far more common, at about one in 2,500.
This means it is somewhat likely that you know someone who is going through this, whether you realize it or not.What can you do about it? It is actually very easy—just ask. If you have children, please, ask them what gender they view themselves as! If they have any sign of doubt or confusion, they could be going through gender dysphoria (a conflict between one's gender and physical sex). You could make his or her life a whole lot better just by asking, and it honestly can't hurt. Even the most masculine of boys and the most feminine of girls can be transgender—and often are, because they tend to overcompensate in an attempt to hide themselves. Once you acknowledge their true gender, ask what pronoun he or she would like you to use. It's good to know that “he” and “she” aren't the only choices, there are also “heshe”, “shi”, “hir”, and many other variations if he or she doesn't feel like either gender has a good enough label.
Pronouns have a profound effect on the lives of those who are in conflict with them, yet such a small effect on those who are comfortable with their physical sex. If you have any suspicions that someone you know may be transgender, just ask him or her what pronoun you should use. It truly cannot hurt, and if it ends up being true, you would be the hero! Believe me, it can be a very wonderful thing to be recognized by someone else as who you are, and pronouns tend to be the biggest boundary to cross.
Is it a boy or a girl? You may not know the answer for a few years. Until then, you might as well use the pronoun assigned to the sex he or she is born with. But not soon after the child can talk, you should ask who they feel they are. The earlier they hear the right words, the better their lives can be.
For more information contact youth @ uua.org.
Last updated on Friday, April 18, 2008.
