Home > Leaders > Leaders' Library > Conflict Resolution: Guidelines

Conflict Resolution: Guidelines and Suggestions for Success

Our Covenant
From UU Faith Works, Summer/Fall 2003
Shared by, Rev. Deborah Mero, Interim Minister (2000-2002)
All Souls Church Unitarian Universalist Brattleboro, VT

STEP 1

Talk directly with the person (fellow member, minister, etc.) with whom you have the disagreement.

Examine your own role in the conflict. Why is this matter important to you? Do some soul searching.

At this step, and at all succeeding steps that become necessary, own your issue. Anonymous complaints are not acceptable.

Get a reality check from a trusted third party. Compare your perceptions. Did they see it or hear it in the same way?

Based on your telling of events and your feelings about it, would they feel the same way?

Agree on a mutually acceptable time and place to talk in private and as soon as possible after the incident.

Use "I" statements in your discussion ("I feel..." not “You did..."); use active listening.

If a direct conversation is too difficult, consider putting your thoughts into writing. Be available to hear the response.

If you feel that safety is an issue, use an appropriate third party or committee to provide a safe environment for the discussion as in step 2 below.

If the conflict is less with a person than with how they are performing a job (staff, religious educator, etc.), address the concern to the proper supervisor so that individuals are not being "supervised" from all sides.

STEP 2

If unresolved, go to the minister for counseling regarding the issue.

If all parties agree that the minister is neutral and appropriate, the minister mediates.

If the minister is not appropriate, the minister will direct you to the correct mediation body.

If the conflict involves the minister, the mediation body is the Committee on Ministry.

STEP 3

If still unresolved, the matter is taken before the Conflict Resolution Committee. The minister (or mediator in step 2) will call the committee into action if their mediation is unsuccessful.

This committee will be a standing committee of at least three members (appointed by the minister, Board and Committee on Ministry) selected for their mediation skills and knowledge of various aspects of church functioning, who serve on an “as needed” basis. The committee members will receive training which will be an expense identified in the annual budget. Members will excuse themselves from any conflict for which they have an inherent bias based on the individuals or the topics involved. (Additional members may be recruited, if necessary.) A single member, the entire committee, or any combination thereof can be employed in seeking conflict resolution. The committee will report to the Board on the nature and outcomes of all conflicts for which they are called into service. The committee will determine a record-keeping format that provides an abstract of events while allowing for privacy considerations.

The Conflict Resolution Committee is empowered to make recommendations, behavior contracts and judgments. They are not limited to achieving compromises; when they believe that a situation exists where behaviors are harmful to the church, or not expressive of our collective values, they can recommend counseling, limits to participation in church life, or other behavior changing strategies. Should one or both of the parties refuse to participate in the resolution process, the behavior is unchanged and/or the belief of the committee is that the behavior is a threat to the church, the matter will go to the Board for consideration.

STEP 4

The Board will consider matters coming from the Conflict Resolution Committee and take action as they deem appropriate. The Board can solicit assistance from the UUA.

The Board can endorse the committee's recommendations or it can set its own recommendations and require the recommended behavior.

The Board can take action to exclude a person from attending for a period of time based on a refusal to honor our church covenant.

The Board, given just cause, by a two-thirds majority can exclude a person from the church and the church premises and remove their name from church membership.

The Board may specify conditions for returning as a welcomed member of our community and set criteria for evaluation of compliance.

Assent of the Board by a two-thirds majority will be required for return to the community.

The Board can call a congregational meeting to address the conflict with the collective compassion and shared wisdom of the entire body.

We hope that most conflicts can and will be resolved by effort on the part of individuals to live our covenant and Principles and approach the individual with whom they are having a conflict directly. We anticipate that these later steps (3 and 4) will be necessary only when behaviors are seen to be dangerous (threatening to people or property), disruptive (interfering with essential church functions), or image tarnishing (driving people away). We further anticipate that all who participate in the process will use the Unitarian Universalist Principles and Purposes to inform their own actions and will treat everyone with compassion and dignity. Finally, when no resolution is possible, concern for the well-being, openness, safety and stability of the congregation as a whole shall be given priority over the feelings or actions of any individual.

Last updated on Friday, April 18, 2008.